I didn't address the battles in my life with the correct approach in the past. I thought if you ignored it long enough it would either 1) go away or 2) solve itself. I think that is why cancer is so..............so............battle engaging. You have no choice, you have to battle it and you have to be strong and tell yourself it is going to work. All these chemicals you are pouring into your body by choice is going to work and you're going to live a long solid life. Although this was clearly out of my comfort zone, what other choice did I have? It wasn't like I was 86 and I'd lived a long and wonderful life, I was 41 and I have many years ahead of me. So I put on my big girls pants and went into battle.
Much like a soldier going into battle I was confused, scared and was grateful to see each new day again. The real battles are easy, the ones you are in and physically fighting. But the silent battles are definitely the hardest, ones that truly eat you up.
I think raising teenagers is a good example of a battle that isn't physical. It is so emotional, so hard to find the line of where to be a parent and where to be an observer. Part of being a good parent is being a good listener and a good observer and keeping your opinion in a deep dark place where no one really sees or hears it. It's so hard to do the simple things like let them drive in I-95 or watch them make decisions you know will not work out. But if you don't, they don't grow and the problems just grow bigger and bigger.
I have great children. I'm really only exposed to great children. I have outstanding nieces and a nephew, cousins, friends kids, etc. I am surrounded by goodness but terrified at the same time. I wonder if I wasn't worn out with the physical battle of last year if my silent battles would be a little easier. Who knows, right, all parents of teenagers have a little bit of a lost look.
My rock was awesome, I loved living under it, why did someone move it???
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Monday, April 18, 2011
NO BS ZONE
I was talking to my sister the other day and she said something that really hit home with me. She said (paraphrased) "I've noticed that people who have gone through cancer have a considerably diminished capacity for bullshit."
That's probably the best thing I've heard so far!!
It's so TRUE!! I have ZERO tolerance for bullshit. If you're treating me like l need to kiss your ass, it's ain't gonna happen.
I think this is why I have such issues with the Ghost (Ron-conartist sociopath) and the family that goes along with me. Really, really, this behavior is ok?? NO it's NOT ok and the law doesn't think it's ok, that's why he hides and runs and that's why the family covers for him. Come on Universe, it's TIME!!! It is mind boggling how violent he is, how he threatened my life, how he drugged me, how he stole medications, how he stole money, how he scared the boys, this guy is bad and he attacked me while I was under attack, and thinks he doesn't have to answer for it. I sure hope he answers sooner than later. Am I harping on it every day, every minute, no hardly. I think about it a few times a month. I get a lot of emails from people he's scammed and it brings it back up, but I am not keeping it in my mind all the time. I do have to believe that karma will kick his ass.
I also have issues with it in my church. There is a bully who thinks he can say and do anything he wants because he's an elderly elder and a really tall man. He is nothing but a bully and I refuse to put up with his bs and all the political bs that goes along with him. SO we're done for a while. I will say that there are a few people from church we will miss, but I usually see them at the gym. I will give credit where credit is due, the church led me to 2 of my best friends...and for that I'm grateful.
It's true...I'm on a NO BULLSHIT zone and it may be surprising to you if you're not used to me here!!
Better watch out....I'm feeling a NO BULLSHIT zone with my writing too! ;)
That's probably the best thing I've heard so far!!
It's so TRUE!! I have ZERO tolerance for bullshit. If you're treating me like l need to kiss your ass, it's ain't gonna happen.
I think this is why I have such issues with the Ghost (Ron-conartist sociopath) and the family that goes along with me. Really, really, this behavior is ok?? NO it's NOT ok and the law doesn't think it's ok, that's why he hides and runs and that's why the family covers for him. Come on Universe, it's TIME!!! It is mind boggling how violent he is, how he threatened my life, how he drugged me, how he stole medications, how he stole money, how he scared the boys, this guy is bad and he attacked me while I was under attack, and thinks he doesn't have to answer for it. I sure hope he answers sooner than later. Am I harping on it every day, every minute, no hardly. I think about it a few times a month. I get a lot of emails from people he's scammed and it brings it back up, but I am not keeping it in my mind all the time. I do have to believe that karma will kick his ass.
I also have issues with it in my church. There is a bully who thinks he can say and do anything he wants because he's an elderly elder and a really tall man. He is nothing but a bully and I refuse to put up with his bs and all the political bs that goes along with him. SO we're done for a while. I will say that there are a few people from church we will miss, but I usually see them at the gym. I will give credit where credit is due, the church led me to 2 of my best friends...and for that I'm grateful.
It's true...I'm on a NO BULLSHIT zone and it may be surprising to you if you're not used to me here!!
Better watch out....I'm feeling a NO BULLSHIT zone with my writing too! ;)
Thursday, April 14, 2011
It's been a while
I haven't written in a long time and I thought I would do a follow up on some of the things that were happening when I was going through my cancer journey. Actually, that is a concept I need to correct, I am NOT done going through the journey. Yes, the cancer is gone and the treatments are done, but I am far from being done with this journey.
I think most people mean well, they don't realize that because you have treatment, that doesn't mean you are "done". I have found with my own personal journey that most (not all) people who check on me, etc feel that we are "done". Nope, it's a daily struggle to get up and finish.
I stubble every day with the way having gone through cancer has left me. I'm a different person. I'm no longer the "walk all over me" person that I had become. Nope, cancer took a lot of things from me, but it gave me a MUCH needed backbone. I've had to make some really hard decisions the last couple of months that have required some really intense thinking and action on my part. I'm glad, I needed the growth. Would have preferred a different way, but this is the way I got!
One thing that I don't think many people consider is the journey when your done. No longer are doctor visits or emails with updates necessary, so I can jump right back in where I left off, right??
No, not right. I am JUST NOW feeling even close to the same level of energy I had before I was diagnosed. I started not feeling right about a 9-12 months before the actual diagnosis. Just in the last few weeks have I felt back to myself and that includes a visit to the ER and an overnight stay in the hospital last week.
They thought I was having a stroke. I get I'm chubby, seriously, and I am doing everything I can to combat that but my hormones aren't working with me. Hormones, another casualty with my breast cancer, I have no idea who they are anymore. Complete transformation and we're still at the introduction stage with each other!
It's just not as easy as "the cancer is gone" because it leaves a huge footprint in your life whether everyone wants to accept it or not. One thing that was awesome was the great support I had.
It was interesting, people I've had relationships with my entire life or most of my life would have been who I thought would have been there for me most. But I found that wasn't always the case. I get that this is my battle and my battle alone and I don't want to judge people for how they act when someone they love is diagnosed with cancer, but I will say that I was surprised by some of the people's reaction to MY sickness. It was like they wanted to own it and tell me how I should feel and act and how it affected THEM. No offense, but I don't give a rats ass how it affected THEM.
It was sad to me and unfortunately I had to make some decisions that were right for me, and that means I had to change some of my relationships. Which is hardly what you want to do when you've been in a full blown battle for over a year.
I will say the people who were there for me were absolutely outstanding and I couldn't have done it without them. My sons and husband were incredible, they were strong and kind and just perfect, I couldn't ask for a better family, I'm so very blessed.
Remember my HORRIBLE TERRIBLE LIAR cousin? He's still around (remember we're only related by marriage-unfortunately) I have a permanent restraining order against him in the state of Florida, but he's still stealing from people and he's still lying and he's still conning. Makes me sick. I am again reminded how his mother and step father (my blood uncle) knew about his horrible past and still didn't say a word to me (they knew I was sick)......wow.........sure says a lot about their values. And I would imagine that Ron isn't done, I bet he hits up as much family as possible. The good thing is there is a lot of information out there on him on the internet, so maybe it will save one person from his web of deception, lies and abuse.
I think that was part of my problem with recovery. Cancer is a HUGE battle (that's why they use the word battle) and then I had the thief come and steal from me, I think I just felt extra vulnerable and that really makes me mad. I needed that energy for recovery not another battle (I have to say it again, they KNEW and let him do it again). He threatened me and stole from me and threatened my children, all while going through treatment. There is a special place for him in hell.
I'm better now, one day at a time. But recovery is slow and it's daily and it's hard. Why do I tell you this, not to feel sorry for me but to give you insight. Not everyone responds this way, but it's pretty common to be diagnosed with post traumatic stress syndrome after having cancer. I'm not diagnosed, but I guarantee you I sit right on that fence every day and every day I make the choice to stay on the better side of the fence.
There's my update, maybe I'll start writing again........it's a great outlet!!
I think most people mean well, they don't realize that because you have treatment, that doesn't mean you are "done". I have found with my own personal journey that most (not all) people who check on me, etc feel that we are "done". Nope, it's a daily struggle to get up and finish.
I stubble every day with the way having gone through cancer has left me. I'm a different person. I'm no longer the "walk all over me" person that I had become. Nope, cancer took a lot of things from me, but it gave me a MUCH needed backbone. I've had to make some really hard decisions the last couple of months that have required some really intense thinking and action on my part. I'm glad, I needed the growth. Would have preferred a different way, but this is the way I got!
One thing that I don't think many people consider is the journey when your done. No longer are doctor visits or emails with updates necessary, so I can jump right back in where I left off, right??
No, not right. I am JUST NOW feeling even close to the same level of energy I had before I was diagnosed. I started not feeling right about a 9-12 months before the actual diagnosis. Just in the last few weeks have I felt back to myself and that includes a visit to the ER and an overnight stay in the hospital last week.
They thought I was having a stroke. I get I'm chubby, seriously, and I am doing everything I can to combat that but my hormones aren't working with me. Hormones, another casualty with my breast cancer, I have no idea who they are anymore. Complete transformation and we're still at the introduction stage with each other!
It's just not as easy as "the cancer is gone" because it leaves a huge footprint in your life whether everyone wants to accept it or not. One thing that was awesome was the great support I had.
It was interesting, people I've had relationships with my entire life or most of my life would have been who I thought would have been there for me most. But I found that wasn't always the case. I get that this is my battle and my battle alone and I don't want to judge people for how they act when someone they love is diagnosed with cancer, but I will say that I was surprised by some of the people's reaction to MY sickness. It was like they wanted to own it and tell me how I should feel and act and how it affected THEM. No offense, but I don't give a rats ass how it affected THEM.
It was sad to me and unfortunately I had to make some decisions that were right for me, and that means I had to change some of my relationships. Which is hardly what you want to do when you've been in a full blown battle for over a year.
I will say the people who were there for me were absolutely outstanding and I couldn't have done it without them. My sons and husband were incredible, they were strong and kind and just perfect, I couldn't ask for a better family, I'm so very blessed.
Remember my HORRIBLE TERRIBLE LIAR cousin? He's still around (remember we're only related by marriage-unfortunately) I have a permanent restraining order against him in the state of Florida, but he's still stealing from people and he's still lying and he's still conning. Makes me sick. I am again reminded how his mother and step father (my blood uncle) knew about his horrible past and still didn't say a word to me (they knew I was sick)......wow.........sure says a lot about their values. And I would imagine that Ron isn't done, I bet he hits up as much family as possible. The good thing is there is a lot of information out there on him on the internet, so maybe it will save one person from his web of deception, lies and abuse.
I think that was part of my problem with recovery. Cancer is a HUGE battle (that's why they use the word battle) and then I had the thief come and steal from me, I think I just felt extra vulnerable and that really makes me mad. I needed that energy for recovery not another battle (I have to say it again, they KNEW and let him do it again). He threatened me and stole from me and threatened my children, all while going through treatment. There is a special place for him in hell.
I'm better now, one day at a time. But recovery is slow and it's daily and it's hard. Why do I tell you this, not to feel sorry for me but to give you insight. Not everyone responds this way, but it's pretty common to be diagnosed with post traumatic stress syndrome after having cancer. I'm not diagnosed, but I guarantee you I sit right on that fence every day and every day I make the choice to stay on the better side of the fence.
There's my update, maybe I'll start writing again........it's a great outlet!!
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