Happy Labor Day!!

What a crazy couple of weeks. School starts and the time vacuum starts with it as well, I have no idea where the first two weeks of school went!!

Personally, I have an appointment next week to watch this cyst I have in my ovaries, they swear it's fine and no cancer, they run lots of blood tests, etc. Just wish it would go away and I could put it off my list. A friend of mine who's going through chemo started the "hard" chemo last week and had a rough go, it makes me so sad, it almost brings back my feelings of how I felt during that time. I ran into someone at meet the teacher night and her brother had died May 1st of lung cancer, he was diagnosed about two months after I was. I just started crying in the middle of meet the teacher, sigh, thank goodness the school is really small and the teachers really know me!! I swear, you could be my worst enemy and if you tell me you have cancer, I'm gonna be your best friend.

More fun times in my life, being a mother of teenage boys. William broke up with his girlfriend this last week. Breakups are hard enough, but he didn't just break up with her, he broke up with her mother as well. Ridiculous. The mom started texting ME wanting answers (REALLY-this is HIGH SCHOOL- they aren't married, or engaged or promised-they are just in HIGH SCHOOL) THEN the mother posted on Facebook " I know I've said this before, but it bears repeating, I HATE teenage boys" then texted me as though I couldn't read her post. Seriously, lady!!! I just hope he gets his jacket back. I remember when I was in high school and I had a boy break my heart. I'm guessing I might have acted a tad bit like Will's ex gf. I might have been a bit clingy and talked about the future. I didn't get it then, but I sure get it now, 17 year old boys don't want to talk about the future or be texted every 30 seconds. They just want to see what having a girlfriend is all about.

I really love Facebook, but I can see where it is allowing parents the ability to parent wayyyyyy past their parenting years. I took a lesson from it myself, they have to make mistakes, they have to learn, they have to "almost get caught" and the parents don't need to know. How will they ever grow up if they don't. What kids need to understand is Facebook isn't an open diary, or at least don't treat it like one.

I know a friend who's daughter's job is to READ Facebook for a living for undergraduate admissions to a university. She reads the parents pages, the siblings pages, the grandparents pages, the aunt/uncles, you get it. When I found that out, I promptly changed ALL of our privacy things and had a chat with my kids. Innocent pictures can change a lot.

It really isn't fair to our kids, they get no chances to screw up. I mean none. They can't have any sort of police mishap and get into college, they can't post one wrong thing and get into college, they can't learn from any mistakes because they can't make any mistakes and this is what is making parenting so hard. If you take the approach that your parents gave you, and you miss that one mistake, it can completely derail a child,

So where do today's parents draw the line. Do you quietly monitor all the postings, pics, blogs, etc or do you interactively (I'm talking about in junior-senior year of high school) participate? I don't know the answer, I'm going through it day by day. But I know one thing for sure, a common high school break up has caused a division in my Facebook friends, isn't that sad?

Summer's almost gone.........

School starts Tuesday for my kids and one of my babies is a SENIOR how the HELL did that happen? I remember picking out their outfits for MDO and for kindergarten and now I turn around and he's a SENIOR....how am I going to make it through this year?

I am going to be semi-retired soon and that just makes me sad. It will be a forced retirement for sure. Do you think they will let me be an RA at FSU? I would be really good at it.

We usually have one of our "family end of summer days" but the jelly fish weren't playing and Will has his own life now. Sad face-happy face, very confused face. I am so proud of William. He is a dream of a child (both of them are) he has good grades, he is a safe driver, he has a great disposition and a wonderful girlfriend. There is nothing more dreamy than new young love, it's so sweet to watch. It's natural, he needs to be with friends and his girl, not his parents, but no one told me that this would happen SO FAST. I am so proud to be both of their mother, I think I've done a good job thus far and hope it continues.

I try really hard not to be sad and to think about all the wonderful things he has ahead of him his senior year. Just the beginning of all that fun, then college, then life, it all comes so fast.

Heads up, I bet I blog about this a lot, it is a cheaper than therapy!

I can do this, I can get through this senior year and this time next year I can take him to school and I can leave him at college, right??

Happy Day!!

I've been stuck at a plateau that was a HUGE plateau for about two weeks now but today I BROKE IT!!!! I'm so excited!!!! YAY ME!!!! AND now I have another problem, hardly anything in my closet fits. I know, tough problem, but it's frustrating. You work hard and you want to show off that work. When your clothes are hanging on you, people only notice that your clothes are hanging. I still have another 24 lbs to lose and I'm sure those will be challenging, but after those cross fit workouts, I'm UP for it!!

I actually know what it's like to be an offensive lineman now. I did prowlers and sleds today OUTSIDE in the 3000* and 4000% humidity and I am SO GRATEFUL I did because I finally broke through. Of course, breaking through on a Friday isn't always the best.....have to be really good this weekend.

I can honestly say, I haven't felt this good in SOOOOOO long. I'm not even sore.

One more pretty exciting accomplishment: I can put my hair in a PONYTAIL with no pins or anything and it all stays (better if it's dirty) but I can do it again!!!!

Such a happy day!

xxoo

Just sitting here

I am sitting on my front porch doing nothing, absolutely nothing. I know, lazy right?? The ocean breeze is in full swing and the wind as a cool touch to it, it's so nice. No bugs, huge draw. I'd like to tell you I've been solving world problems, not the case, literally nothing. I think it's because I'm so freaking worn out, even if I wanted to move, not going to happen.

Why you ask?? Remember yesterday I mentioned a trainer. I am actually in a class, a cross fix class with my favorite trainer in the world, Shondelle. This week was my first week with all five days, I've been doing three days and I have only been back about five weeks. HUGE difference between my rehabilitation gym and this gym. BUT, it makes a world of difference. Every morning I willingly get up and get my ass kicked my Shondelle and then I get up and do it again the next day. My body is cumulatively hurting, Monday it was just a little, Tuesday some more and Wednesday I'm just sitting. On Monday the pain wasn't until Tuesday morning, on Tuesday it started Tuesday night and today, it started when I left class. Man. Then I head over to yoga for an hour of stretching, that feels good.

I know I have to do this, EVERY single doctor I go to tells me that IF I WOULD JUST LOOSE WEIGHT ALL would be good. My dura would not produce as much extra fluid as it does because being fat makes you produce extra. My cholesterol would go down if I lost weight, one doctor spent 20 minutes telling me what a fool I was for not having a weight loss plan. WTF, really like I don't know I was fat? Yelling at me won't improve that, I don't respond to threats or belittling.

What really gets my goat is that I didn't just pork out and eat out and have dessert and just sit around reading my novels and having my bonbons. Nope, I barely ate at all, because I was still feeling the effects of chemo and radiation but my body was packing on those pounds. I know some people I saw last summer were like "holy crap-she's HUGE" but knew I was fighting enough to not say anything (to my face). I was embarrassed too because I wanted to celebrate being a survivor but I just looked like a glutton. AND let's face it, we all judge by appearance.

Just being bald told me that, people were SO NICE to me. I mean people who you know are complete assholes were nice (except one in particular). At first that sympathy made me mad, then I thought, "you know what-take it and enjoy it".

It's funny because when people see me, they literally do not know it's me. I could go streaking in Publix and no one would know it was me. My hair is so different, my body is different, my appearance is different, my attitude is different, and that has been a little bit fun, messing with people. If I don't feel like talking, I can just stand there and no one speaks to me. I could be a spy, maybe I'll do that, that would provide good writing material.

I feel like I have this weird menopause crystal ball, remember I went through chemically induced menopause. I was so excited that I would be "ahead" of the curve on that and be done with menopause. Silly me, of course I am not done, I get to do it again!! At this point, I could get pregnant again, my numbers are all back to normal. So typical for me, I do everything twice. Except marriage, I seem to have gotten that right the first time. I do know exactly what will happen though, so I guess that's better.......sort of.

Highlight of the day: had to get some new exercise shirts 1) they were on sale!! 2) guess what size, not my usual 2xl, or xl, OR L , BUT A MEDUIM!!!!

I can't believe it's been three months

Wow, three months since I wrote on my blog. So, hello, greetings, I'm a breast cancer survivor. It's one of my new titles, and I LOVE it. I love that I can say survivor and I love that I had breast cancer. What, no, the chemo did NOT fry my brain. Albeit, I would not have chosen breast cancer as my way of getting back to ME and who ME is, but since that's the way the good Lord intended for it to be, I accept that with open arms.

I have so much to share. My first big news, is I've lost 37 lbs!!! YAY me!!! It's not enough to just have breast cancer, but it has some awesome side effects aside from baldness, puking, menopause, blood work, MRI's, PET scans, you name it, one of my side effects was a massive weight gain. I know that I am not a doctor and I can't prove this, but I think my body was holding on to everything and anything that it could and it had to go through several cell "cycles" (if you will) to know that I was not bringing back that chemo. Once it "let go" the weight literally fell off. That and I work out with a trainer and a nutritionist plans my meals. BUT before all of that, I lost 15 lbs just thinking about hiring those awesome people!!

So I have all my skinny clothes OUT of storage and in my closet, again, yay me. I'm more than half way done, I hope to be down to high school weight when I'm done. I looked good then. I also have the most beautiful hair. It is a very pretty curly color, makes my eyes pop and my eye lashes are ridiculously long, love it!!!

But by FAR, the best thing that has happened to me is that I am alive!! I mean that both literally and figuratively. My heart beats every day and I am so grateful for those beats. My heart also beats to my drummer, the drummer I lost a while back. The drummer that allowed me to be walked over and taken advantage of, but no more. I joke with the boys that cancer gave me a pair. They, of course, don't find it nearly as funny as I do!!

I still have some naysayers in my crowd, but I've done my best to weed them out. I don't have time for people who don't want me to be me. Gone are the days of me being someone else just to make people happy. Good side effect of cancer.

It's interesting, the people who say "are you using your cancer card" really, yes I AM. I will still never forget, one of my friends (who is no longer a friend) said to me when I was first diagnosed, "I don't want you pulling that damn cancer card all the time." Ok, so if you're a diabetic, does that mean you don't get to pull you card or if you're a paraplegic should you just start walking and waving your arms. No, you shouldn't and isn't it horrible that I even said that, didn't you cringe a little bit? Well, you can see why we aren't friends anymore. I can damn well use my "cancer card" for the rest of my life if I want to, so there. But I don't need it anymore. I picked myself up, brushed myself off, and got right back on that horse. I'm so proud of myself. They say bloggers are ego manics, I don't know about that, but I am tooting my own horn right now!!

Life truly is wonderful and I really have my dear family and friends to thank for that. I made some new friends that I would not have if I didn't have cancer. Sadly, I've lost some friends to cancer as well, the ying and yang of life. I miss them.

I realize I'm not out of the woods yet, I still have 3 1/2 years to be considered for that title. But I feel positive about things. I met a girl on Friday night who's just started this journey and my heart goes out to her. Not because I don't think she's going to be ok (I think she IS going to be ok) but because I know what's ahead of her and it's not easy. It's hard keeping your spirits up. I realized that in my situation, I was keeping my spirits up for everyone else, not myself.

Every night I say a little prayer for all those who lost their battle and all those going through their battle, because Lord knows they need support and not judgement. They need every positive vibration from the Universe, they need all those prayers and most of all, they need to believe in themselves.

I want to be a writer. I don't think I suck at it, I know I have a long way to go to improve. I've been told "it's hard, too many blogs, no one publishes" etc, but I feel it in my bones. I sure have lots to write about, so I think I'll pick this up again.

Don't know that I will restrict it to just cancer, since I live with two teenage boys and some pretty funny local characters that provide so much writing material, even have that scary element ( remember Ghost-STILL around). As always, reading is optional!!!

xxoo

MRI Results

I got them and they are a ok!! Sigh, huge sigh of relief.

I don't get scared or worried when I'm waiting, I wait until I find out everything is ok to freak out a bit. I have like heart palpitations and a nervous stomach AFTER I hear everything.....strange.

I am in the worst mood. I spent five hours at the neurologist this morning. If you recall (or update if you didn't know) in 2007 I had my dura spontaneously combust. (which is a little funny because I always said I might spontaneously combust-watch what you say!!) They never knew why, 11 days in the hospital and they finally just gave me a blood patch and said "see you later."

I think I mentioned a few weeks ago they thought I had had a stroke because I felt as though my brain was "shaking." Literally, like someone was shaking it inside my head. The neurologist tells me, go straight to the hospital, so I did. EVERYONE looked at me like I was certifiable.

"What do you mean it's shaking"...........WTH...........can I be anymore direct and descriptive, it was SHAKING....LISTEN.

So they give me 100 tests, MRI/brain, more tests make me spend the night and when the neurologist who was with me back in 2007 said, "I don't know what you mean" and walked out of the room, I thought...oh it's neurologist shopping time.

I have the belief that looking for a neurologist when you need one isn't a good time. But I knew I needed to find another one fast. Oddly enough, the day I was in the hospital we were having some work on our roof done and Whit was late to meet the roofer and told him "sorry my wife's in the hospital...blah blah blah".....and John asked him why and he said she has dura problems and John said so does my wife. Ends up we were using the same doctor and we both thought he was a less than educated or effective doctor. I should have been blogging then (episode in 2007) the situation was beyond ridiculous.

I guess John went home and told his wife and then came back to the house with this name of a neurosurgeon down at University of Miami who only goes by word of mouth. Apparently John's sister's cousin's dog's nephew new him and said he was the best. I was a tad but skeptical, but had limited resources at the time and the idea of sitting in 10 neurosurgeon's offices and having to go over my history was more than I could handle so I thought, ok.....we'll give it a go.

Took 3 weeks to get into him and I had a 10 am appointment. Saw him at 1pm.....the office staff doesn't have a very favorable opinion of me, will take years to earn that back. Actually had enough time for Memorial to fax over 43 pages of my records, so I guess that was a good thing, silver lining.....


I get in there and we go over everything. He doesn't say a word (probably because he is the one who actually walked over when I was discussing with the front desk that a 2 hour wait was not acceptable and he said "I'm worth the wait." I might have responded, "I sure hope so." I didn't realize I said it out loud.......wink wink.

Actually backing up a little bit, when he was about to walk in the door where I was, another man came and found him to tell him his insurance had dropped him and he was freaking out, so behind closed doors they went for another 45 minutes. I burst into tears, literally sobbing in the doctors office (in the room by myself) and I could NOT get it together. Thank goodness for that 45 minutes, I'm so blessed he's such a kind man and spoke to the needy patient. Had resorted to solitaire when he walked in and just sat down.

Back to going over everything, he puts me on a table and does two tests, this is after me telling him an hours worth of my life history as it relates to the dura and tells me, "you have a leak". My biggest fear right there in front of me. My heart started pounding and all I could think was that needle going into my spine again.

"Caledonia (my real name) you have a leak. You will not die and you will not have it fixed. You will monitor it and if it becomes worse (headaches) we will give you some medication to reduce your ability to make spinal fluid. We will get you two vaccinations for meningitis and you will live everyday a safe and happy life with a slow leak. You're biggest threat is getting meningitis and if you get the incurable headaches we will do a blood patch or surgery, but you will not die and your brain shaking that you feel, is literally shaking, that is exactly what is happening. It means nothing. You're brain is like a meatball in soup and when the liquid capacity is adjusted the meatball moves, this is what is happening to your brain. The meatball never falls apart or burst, neither will your brain. You are safe and you are healthy, you just have a leak"

He went on to say "Reading your records I don't believe your dura burst spontaneously. This is brought on by trauma. (I was in a wreck in college) it takes years for the dura to react to traumas. (I've always considered myself so very lucky to have walked away from that wreck alive, logistically we should have both been dead, we were saved-literally and figuratively)


And with all those word I was set free of my dura prison. Set free from being terrified I was going to break it again, set free from wondering how in the hell someone spontaneously combusts, set free from all the fears I had from the unknown. I now know everything that is going on and I'm NOT crazy, my brain really shakes. But I'm not dying. I've been terrified I was going to die from this since 2007.

This should make me very happy right? Just like the MRI results.....you know what I did? Got into the car after being there five hours and it ONLY took five hours to solve something 15 doctors and 10 hospital days couldn't solve. Got into the car and burst into tears, cried for 20 minutes.

Now I'm just tired and Nick has a doctors appointment tonight, yay, more time at the doctors.

He was indeed right, he was WELL worth that wait!

MRI Fun

I had to have my annual MRI today, I hate it. No real reason to hate it other than it will tell me if I have cancer again. Makes me a little gun shy, don't really want to know the results. I mean I do, but I really don't. I am thinking positive, mostly, but in reality the day I have this MRI done, I don't think that positively.

Got to the check in and there were at least 100 people there. Maybe this is normal for some of you, but this is not normal for my experience at the Memorial Hospital on Johnson. No, they had a new system that they installed on May 1st. Saturday morning at 8am, they called me for a pre-registration setup. They woke my up on one of about 5 Saturdays a year that I don't have to be up for anything and they asked me to preregister for my MRI on Monday. I told the lady in my really sweet "you just woke me up on a Saturday" voice that I had just had an MRI not two weeks ago and NONE of my information had changed. Ok, but we still need to update it. So I twilighted my way through that conversation and figured I was ready to go.

It didn't really matter to me that they were running 2 hrs behind at the hospital EXCEPT I had already taken the valium that I get to take and I was ready to go. I told then when I got there that I had preregistered at 8am on Saturday, so I should be good to go. Oh yes, usually that is the case, today however, since they were installing new software they didn't have the ability to access that information and I would need to be registered again. My valium brain was cool with it and I just sat down. But I did acknowledge back somewhere in the back of the completely valiumed-out out mind that it was exceptionally annoying that this woman insisted on talking to me at 8am on a Saturday and the effects of my valium might not last as long as needed.

FINALLY, I got back to the MRI room and we were just about to get started and I started panicking. It was so uncomfortable. You lie face down with each boob in a separate area and you arms are above you. They you are backed into the MRI machine for an hour. AN HOUR. Seriously freaking out, wanted to leave.

Enters Prince Charming with another valium. Somewhere in my valiumed-out out mind I had forgotten that I had TWO pills and my awesome husband put the other one in his pocket. I swallowed and away I went for an hour. Typical of a hospital, they wake me up to tell me I have 15 more minutes of the MRI.....why can't they just let you sleep? I spent the next 15 minutes wondering how long I had until I could move my right arm and remove the painful numbness that had occurred during the last 45 minutes of peaceful sleep. Then it was over. Just like that.....and just like that......they will call me in 48 hours and tell me "it's all good" or "make an appointment".

A Battle Royale

I didn't address the battles in my life with the correct approach in the past. I thought if you ignored it long enough it would either 1) go away or 2) solve itself. I think that is why cancer is so..............so............battle engaging. You have no choice, you have to battle it and you have to be strong and tell yourself it is going to work. All these chemicals you are pouring into your body by choice is going to work and you're going to live a long solid life. Although this was clearly out of my comfort zone, what other choice did I have? It wasn't like I was 86 and I'd lived a long and wonderful life, I was 41 and I have many years ahead of me. So I put on my big girls pants and went into battle.

Much like a soldier going into battle I was confused, scared and was grateful to see each new day again. The real battles are easy, the ones you are in and physically fighting. But the silent battles are definitely the hardest, ones that truly eat you up.

I think raising teenagers is a good example of a battle that isn't physical. It is so emotional, so hard to find the line of where to be a parent and where to be an observer. Part of being a good parent is being a good listener and a good observer and keeping your opinion in a deep dark place where no one really sees or hears it. It's so hard to do the simple things like let them drive in I-95 or watch them make decisions you know will not work out. But if you don't, they don't grow and the problems just grow bigger and bigger.

I have great children. I'm really only exposed to great children. I have outstanding nieces and a nephew, cousins, friends kids, etc. I am surrounded by goodness but terrified at the same time. I wonder if I wasn't worn out with the physical battle of last year if my silent battles would be a little easier. Who knows, right, all parents of teenagers have a little bit of a lost look.

My rock was awesome, I loved living under it, why did someone move it???

NO BS ZONE

I was talking to my sister the other day and she said something that really hit home with me. She said (paraphrased) "I've noticed that people who have gone through cancer have a considerably diminished capacity for bullshit."

That's probably the best thing I've heard so far!!

It's so TRUE!! I have ZERO tolerance for bullshit. If you're treating me like l need to kiss your ass, it's ain't gonna happen.

I think this is why I have such issues with the Ghost (Ron-conartist sociopath) and the family that goes along with me. Really, really, this behavior is ok?? NO it's NOT ok and the law doesn't think it's ok, that's why he hides and runs and that's why the family covers for him. Come on Universe, it's TIME!!! It is mind boggling how violent he is, how he threatened my life, how he drugged me, how he stole medications, how he stole money, how he scared the boys, this guy is bad and he attacked me while I was under attack, and thinks he doesn't have to answer for it. I sure hope he answers sooner than later. Am I harping on it every day, every minute, no hardly. I think about it a few times a month. I get a lot of emails from people he's scammed and it brings it back up, but I am not keeping it in my mind all the time. I do have to believe that karma will kick his ass.

I also have issues with it in my church. There is a bully who thinks he can say and do anything he wants because he's an elderly elder and a really tall man. He is nothing but a bully and I refuse to put up with his bs and all the political bs that goes along with him. SO we're done for a while. I will say that there are a few people from church we will miss, but I usually see them at the gym. I will give credit where credit is due, the church led me to 2 of my best friends...and for that I'm grateful.

It's true...I'm on a NO BULLSHIT zone and it may be surprising to you if you're not used to me here!!

Better watch out....I'm feeling a NO BULLSHIT zone with my writing too! ;)

It's been a while

I haven't written in a long time and I thought I would do a follow up on some of the things that were happening when I was going through my cancer journey. Actually, that is a concept I need to correct, I am NOT done going through the journey. Yes, the cancer is gone and the treatments are done, but I am far from being done with this journey.

I think most people mean well, they don't realize that because you have treatment, that doesn't mean you are "done". I have found with my own personal journey that most (not all) people who check on me, etc feel that we are "done". Nope, it's a daily struggle to get up and finish.

I stubble every day with the way having gone through cancer has left me. I'm a different person. I'm no longer the "walk all over me" person that I had become. Nope, cancer took a lot of things from me, but it gave me a MUCH needed backbone. I've had to make some really hard decisions the last couple of months that have required some really intense thinking and action on my part. I'm glad, I needed the growth. Would have preferred a different way, but this is the way I got!

One thing that I don't think many people consider is the journey when your done. No longer are doctor visits or emails with updates necessary, so I can jump right back in where I left off, right??

No, not right. I am JUST NOW feeling even close to the same level of energy I had before I was diagnosed. I started not feeling right about a 9-12 months before the actual diagnosis. Just in the last few weeks have I felt back to myself and that includes a visit to the ER and an overnight stay in the hospital last week.

They thought I was having a stroke. I get I'm chubby, seriously, and I am doing everything I can to combat that but my hormones aren't working with me. Hormones, another casualty with my breast cancer, I have no idea who they are anymore. Complete transformation and we're still at the introduction stage with each other!

It's just not as easy as "the cancer is gone" because it leaves a huge footprint in your life whether everyone wants to accept it or not. One thing that was awesome was the great support I had.

It was interesting, people I've had relationships with my entire life or most of my life would have been who I thought would have been there for me most. But I found that wasn't always the case. I get that this is my battle and my battle alone and I don't want to judge people for how they act when someone they love is diagnosed with cancer, but I will say that I was surprised by some of the people's reaction to MY sickness. It was like they wanted to own it and tell me how I should feel and act and how it affected THEM. No offense, but I don't give a rats ass how it affected THEM.

It was sad to me and unfortunately I had to make some decisions that were right for me, and that means I had to change some of my relationships. Which is hardly what you want to do when you've been in a full blown battle for over a year.

I will say the people who were there for me were absolutely outstanding and I couldn't have done it without them. My sons and husband were incredible, they were strong and kind and just perfect, I couldn't ask for a better family, I'm so very blessed.

Remember my HORRIBLE TERRIBLE LIAR cousin? He's still around (remember we're only related by marriage-unfortunately) I have a permanent restraining order against him in the state of Florida, but he's still stealing from people and he's still lying and he's still conning. Makes me sick. I am again reminded how his mother and step father (my blood uncle) knew about his horrible past and still didn't say a word to me (they knew I was sick)......wow.........sure says a lot about their values. And I would imagine that Ron isn't done, I bet he hits up as much family as possible. The good thing is there is a lot of information out there on him on the internet, so maybe it will save one person from his web of deception, lies and abuse.

I think that was part of my problem with recovery. Cancer is a HUGE battle (that's why they use the word battle) and then I had the thief come and steal from me, I think I just felt extra vulnerable and that really makes me mad. I needed that energy for recovery not another battle (I have to say it again, they KNEW and let him do it again). He threatened me and stole from me and threatened my children, all while going through treatment. There is a special place for him in hell.

I'm better now, one day at a time. But recovery is slow and it's daily and it's hard. Why do I tell you this, not to feel sorry for me but to give you insight. Not everyone responds this way, but it's pretty common to be diagnosed with post traumatic stress syndrome after having cancer. I'm not diagnosed, but I guarantee you I sit right on that fence every day and every day I make the choice to stay on the better side of the fence.

There's my update, maybe I'll start writing again........it's a great outlet!!