Skip the Sympathy

My cancer was a shock. I am a healthy 41 year old with no family history of cancer. Especially breast cancer. It's so surreal when you get the call from the radiologist that you have a cancer and it's not benign. You hear the words and understand the results, you just don't digest the concept. Since cancer patients are tended too pretty quickly, you usually don't have much time before they start treatments. (Or you can be like me and know for 4 months and still not have taken that first step yet). Some people are really good at never sharing their feelings or their lives, I've always admired that quality in people. I never even stood in line for the "keep your life a secret" gene.

IF I had to do it again, I'd treat it more like a pregnancy and wait until I was already to the point of obvious before telling anyone. That is not to imply that ALL of the support, calls, cards, emails presents and words are not 1000% appreciated and desired. It's simply just a life lesson.

I was reading another pink pathers blog and she was talking about the inability to hide cancer. Just like pregnancy, it shows. There are plenty of diseases you can defeat without any physical signs. If there are some signs such as, fatigue or swelling, or lack of color (something along those lines) those are easily explained away with a mention of the most current virus or pandemic wandering around the world. But not with cancer.

Why am I mentioning this? Because I'm still caught up with the hair thing. I know it's vain, insecure, easy to grown back, etc etc etc but I'm still adjusting. I am reading blogs that from those who are charting their hair progress and seeing people/meeting people showing me their progress and with all this information I am still freaking out. I sent my girlfriend in Texas an email yesterday asking her to fix me up some hats, if anyone can make my head shine, it's Melinda, because I'm still trying to adjust to possibly not having any hair.

I don't want people to stare at me with the "oh, I feel sorry her , she's so young and she's got breast cancer" look. So instead of feeling sorry for me, do something else with that energy. Spend the 2-3 minutes making your Dr's appointment for your mammogram or pelvic exam or colonoscopy or prostate exam or when things just don't seem right. Take care of yourself, eat well 6 days and splurge 1 day instead of splurging 6 days and dieting on Mondays. Walk a few times a week, go outside an get some fresh air, and really really do it. I don't take pity well and refuse to accept that I am the kind of person who needs pity, so do me a favor and use that time for yourself.

P.S. This is not to be confused or switched with the 2-3 minutes a day that you pray for me or send me a card or make me a meal or pick up my child or send me an email, I still NEED that!!

Pink-Pathers

I just met another member of the pink club. She and I were exchanging war stories (her's post and mine pre) and she used the expression "pink path". I love it, I mean if I have to have a name for it why not pink path? Thank you Diane!!! I LOVE the color pink (pretty sure most of you already know that since 50% of the objects I own are some form of pink) so that is my new journey's name for this, the pink path.

I was emailing her and finally thought of a way to describe this to non-pink pathers. It's like being pregnant and the big delivery at the end is life. Everyone's pregnancy is different, everyone's surgery/chemo/radiation is different. You know how mother's smile when the new mother (pre birth) asks a tough question and just give the generic answer "billions have given birth, it will all be ok". It's similar with pink-pathers, they let you know it's a rough road but details are a no go. That's ok, I understand why, I am just glad I figured it out finally.

Another funny thing today. My sweet friend Judy (pink-pather survivor) gave me the sweetest gift today. She gave me her cancer bras. Isn't that the best ever, I mean she shared her bras with me. You have to wear special bras and she passed them along and they fit! She did follow it up with "I hope you never have to pass them to anyone else." But since I needed them, I found it so special that she was able to pass those to me. Special in a "wow, what an awesome friend" kind of way.

My new friend Diane told me the coolest idea. So if you're reading this and you have a friend going to cancer, pay attention. Her best friend set up "Chemo Fairies" that dropped off little presents and "lift me ups" during her chemo days. Isn't that just awesome, what an idea!! It's like Julia and my awesomely organized volunteer website. God Bless those friends, they are the best!!!

Kids Say the Darnest Things

So, yesterday I was headed to work out with my favorite trainer in the world and drove to my son's school parking lot and sat there for a bit. Then I looked at the clock and saw 11:44 and thought, "What, why am I here."

So I told my son Nick that and he said, "Mom, I will never know if you have Alzheimer's, you act like you already have it, when you get all mentally crazy it will just be another normal day for us."

Oh, the truth is so hurtful!!!!

And how does my body know that this cancer is being removed and I'm having surgery? I am wanting to eat anything that isn't tied down. Don't get me wrong, this happens to me usually once a month for about 15 hours, then it passes. But this has been going on for 4-5 days now. I'm not particular, I will eat a day old orange peeled and left on the counter, completely lacking any moisture. I will also eat any scraps the kids didn't get down their throats. Or a run to Walgreens (note great sale on candy bars this week) to pick up my favorite candy bar (s) because I now have about 10 "favorite" bars.

Don't worry, I haven't gained a pound. I am sure it's going somewhere. Maybe my third toe looks a little larger these days. AND I must stick up for myself and say that I don't just eat candy bars (yesterday) but I am eating healthier than I ever have. It's so easy in Florida to eat well, we have so many fresh fruits and vegetables and wonderful markets.

More cards today, LOVE them, thank you!!!

ECT Meets PMS (and it's not pretty)

I've just realized that the last week or so of entries is not even related to cancer, but people and how people act.

Yesterday I had my pre op Dr's appointment in a new building with a new doctor. I understand that I have lived here almost 4 years (yikes-really) now and I should be a little bit more familiar with the territory, but I'm not. So, I left in PLENTY of time (and for those who live in TX this is probably the hardest thing to adjust to-to get to the Everglades from my house-I live right by the ocean-takes(in traffic) a maximum of 25 minutes) so the dr is about 18 minutes from my house, anyway I was supposed to be there at 10:35 and I left at 9:30.

True story, I dropped by Walmart for a few items and then headed there at 10:10. I got a little lost (which in in itself is funny since I had to make all of two turns to get where I was going) and I was in unfamiliar territory and on the phone.

I can't help it, the phone rings and I have to answer it, especially if its someone new I haven't talked to in a while and Stacey called to tell me good luck. She's probably rethinking that for next time.

ANYWAY, I was roaming around the very small ridiculous parking lot for a satellite hospital with three buildings , looking for a parking space. This nice man flagged me down and pointed to his car. So I was backing up for him to be able to get out of the space and this car behind me refused to move, I kept motioning for him to go around and he just sat there. Meanwhile the guy backing out can't move unless I move, so I pull forward and the guy backs out. And that stupid Mother F'er pulls in MY spot. I (still on the phone, threw it in the seat) got out of the car and he rolled up his windows as quickly as possible, I knocked on the window and he refused to look at me. I said THIS IS MY SPACE and he just stared ahead.

So I remarked that he had enough balls to steal my space but not enough balls to open the door? Got back in the car and drove off mad as a wet hen. I mean MAD and unreasonable. Poor Stacey, she got the ear full.

So I thought we were done and I found a new parking place and headed into the building. I got off the phone and realized I was in the wrong building and now it's 10:41 and I have to fill out paper work. So I called their office and she was "walking" me through getting to her building and I was in a breeze way and I hear "Hey white bitch in the turquoise (did you think any other color) shorts, what you need isn't a parking space, it's my huge nigga' dick to suck on ( WOW really you are yelling that across the parking lot genius)

And he kept going "I know you neva know what it's like to have a huge black dick giving you what you" and he stopped. (Holy COW REEAALLYYY???)

I was in shock and just kept walking with my head down. This was probably because Stacey reminded me after my first encounter, that the person was probably not right. Then I hear him SCREAMING F this and F that and at this point I looked up to watch a security guard escort the man off the premises. He was whining about losing his job if he couldn't take a "piss test". Aw, poor thing, what goes around comes around buddy!!

So I FINALLY find the Dr's office and my heart is going 90 to nothing. Got in there, got back in the room and then sat and sat and sat. By the time Dr. Newdr came in I was good and relaxed. We went through my entire history and he continually answered the phone. I was like "what the hell" why are you answering the phone. Didn't the Dr University give you the course in uncaring non-phone-call-returning manners. The fourth time he did this ECT let out a sigh and when he got off he phone he explained to me that while this was annoying right now, when he gets calls he takes them right then and there, period. Valid point, annoying when your in the office completely cool when your calling.

So he sums up my history and then says he doesn't require a rectal exam (seriously). Yea, right, like that was going to happen. Got an EKG, blood work and chest xray. I have no idea if I'll find out anything I bet I find out if something is wrong.

So I finished with all that at 1:45 and mind you I haven't eaten since 8:45 the NIGHT BEFORE and although I don't find myself moody or unreasonable, it's possibly that's not an accurate call on my account. I did have a bit of a headache and backache and they took at least 18 viles blood, so I was a little light headed. But it was Nick's first day of 8th grade and I was determined to be there on time when he got out. If you saw the crowd that he was released with you would be there too.

To get to his school all the newbie Mom's block traffic the first week of school, this is my 4th year to do this, so I know some short cuts. One of the short cuts is through an retirement apartment. I don't usually go through there because I know it annoys the residents and rightfully so. In 3 years of driving there I think I've done this one other time. So I turn to go through there to 1) not miss Nick 2) avoid all the newbies. Out of no where jumps an elderly man and stands RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY CAR. I move to one side, he moves ,I move to the other side, he moves. I have already made it obvious that I am in full ECT mode and now add in PMS and it gets ugly.

I roll down the window and he starts yelling at me to get off his property. I responded with "it's not your probably dumbass, it's the cities and there is no "no trespassing" sign posted so I am free to do as I wish and if you don't move your self I WILL HIT you."

He probably thought I was kidding.

I wasn't. I would have hit him.

He screamed at me as I drove by. Didn't see him today, thank God. Funny thing, I was driving Will's car which has like 47 stickers on the back of it HUGE stickers MARKING stickers. So I hope one night when I go to Public for a run I don't come out to a jobless black man holding his junk and a white bald guy beating my car with a bat.

Maybe I should just get a sign that says "Not Friendly, don't provoke"

Funny Things

I love that my friends/family are so wonderful. I get cards and goodies and I just LOVE it! I have one friend who has sent me a card a week for several weeks now and I love them, they are funny! Thank you J!!!! I have friends who send me books and eye covers to relax (thank you E) and family who send me a new CD and a note book (thank you C) and many many funny cards and emails. DON"T STOP!!! They make it "ok".

I have a Dr's appointment for 10:45am tomorrow, which is a good thing because it's the first day everyone will be gone and I'm usually just so sad on these days. But I can't eat anything at 10:45pm and you know, I am only about an hour from the cut off and I am having to really keep myself away from the kitchen. I don't normally eat at this time, but you know how it is when they tell you you can't have anything, it's a guarantee you'll want it. I can't tell you how many mornings I pour myself a coffee, take two or three sips, and then leave it somewhere. Tomorrow's coffee I already miss. Anyway, they will be testing me for the preop. I know I can't fail, I just am nervous and hope everything goes well.

I have started having some freaky dreams. I am sure they are all normal. Last night it was an invisible cobra. We all knew we would be bitten, we just didn't know when. Gosh, even my dreams are clique sometimes..............really.................. an invisible snake????

Picked up by a Guardian Angel

Today sucked, wish I was more eloquent with my words, but that sums it up. Started off great with a wonderful walk on the beach and a great workout. Got home and enjoyed some time with Nick, was headed to the store and the phone rang.

Must insert some prior knowledge here. Two years ago I spend some time over at Memorial Regional (hospital in Hollywood FL) for a spontaneously combusted dura. The dura is the sack that covers the spine and the brain and has fluid in it. This happens to people usually with a head trauma, like football players or if your in a wreck, but mine was spontaneous. So, I was able to spend 12 days at the hospital high as a kite on diloted (sp?)(street name liquid heroin) and remember very little about the event. To fit it, they gave me a blood patch, which is a huge needle in your spine and they draw your own blood and re-insert it in your spine. It acts as a "fix a flat" and fixes the hole. Symptoms are a headache that you would eat someone's arm if the pain would go away and a complete dissoriented feeling. So, they fixed me and it hasn't reoccurred at all. When I went to Dr. New, she was able to see all of these records (same hospital) and said, "Give Dr. Headguy a call and make sure there isn't anything we need to know specific to your dura, ie, anaesthesia etc."

So, being the obedient little (ok, I will be honest I'm in no shape or form "little") patient I am I called the next day , and called, and called and called and spoke to no one. I left five messages for this Dr's "nurse" and "coordinator." I know he's only at the office two days a week, so I was giving him a little time.

"Caledonia Wheeler" complete tone and I sure is about 22 years old.

"This is she" Nice voice because I have caller ID and I knew she had something I needed.

"YOU have called our office a ridiculous amount of times and the Dr. said he's NEVER seen you and you have to have an appointment, I have one scheduled for September 24th." screams Nadia.

"Did you listen to my messages, I have breast cancer (or as Will calls it "the bc") and I have surgery scheduled for September 8th, I can't come in the 24th, I don't need to come in, I don't have any symptoms, I just need to talk to the Dr-" ECT

"You are so rude and you will NEVER be cleared for surgery without coming in." Nadia

Then it just gets ugly and frankly I don't remember word for word, but at the end of the day she hung up on me.

So, it finally happened, I fell apart. I sat on the bathroom floor (alone) and boo-hoo'ed for 30 minutes. How dare this 22 year old twit who clearly has few life experiences under her belt. I knew that I was going to be postponed for surgery and I knew that if that happened I would have a nervous breakdown. I was at a complete loss because I knew I was at the mercy of this stupid witch.

I finally got my act together and I called Whit. Of course, being the best husband in the world, he wants to solve the problem because I was so hysterical I don't even know the twits name. He called the office and gets her name and then was calling me back when the phone rang.

Phone rings and I don't recognize the number, so I answer it. A couple of reasons, William is back at school with his bronchitis and I don't know all the Dr's numbers yet, I'm completely unreasonable when I finally cry and it was...........Frannah (aka Guardian Angel)...............remember Frannah............friend who got me into Dr. New's office (which apparently is next to impossible). Donita, what's wrong, and I just sobbed the entire story into the phone. No composure no nothing just words flowing out of my mouth followed by large gasps for air. She informed me that she knew exactly how to fix this, and that she would do it for me but she runs an insurance company and had clients and had to get her daughter (I mean she's just a doll) and she instructs me to call and ask for the office manager and tell her the story and then demand to speak to Dr. Headguy.

So I waited a while until I wasn't gasping for air anymore and I called. Guess what, she listened to the entire story, never cut me off, was just as sweet as can be. Then she put me on hold and when someone picked up the other line it was Dr. Headguy and he was so sweet. It took him a while to remember me, but when he did he assured me that there is nothing special for dura patient and I will be fine with anaesthesia and even asked me about the rest of the course of action. Told me if ANYTHING happened to call him and he would write in my chart that they were to get him immediately if I called. Take that Nadia!!!!

Catastrophe averted and surgery still on!!!

I love Frannah, the Lord really does place people in your life for special reasons. I'm so blessed to have all of my friends and family and I love you all. xoox

Went on to just be tired today and have a great football meeting at Will's school and enjoy a good dinner with Buddy and Lucky.

I forgot to mention that prior to the phone call, I did have someone who I really care about really hurt my feelings. Maybe I am super sensitive (what a stray from my normal self) and I only average about 3-4 hrs of sleep lately and some people are just mean sometimes. Since my chemo has the possibility of sending me into early (way early) menopause, I have a feeling that this is only the beginning of my emotional roller coaster and tender feelings.

It's time for me to start "keeping the faith".

Such a Surprise

I have a friend, Gail, who is walking in a breast cancer walk from Portland to Coast on August 28-29th. She emailed me a few weeks ago and asked me if I had a "phrase". I didn't, but I searched around and found one that oddly enough my other dear friend Lori had sent me a few weeks ago. That one was too long for the poster, so we shortened it (Gail is walking for two of us) and voted on it and she's carrying a sign with our "phrase" on it. Gail is probably the sweetest person in the universe and I came to this conclusion in the 5th grade when I met her and she hasn't changed a bit.

Here's her sign. I just can't believe the love and support I am receiving, it is really overwhelming and I feel the love and the support and believe me I draw on it!

Buying Time

Probably not the best of titles, but I mean it in a good way. I am simply buying my time these last couple of days and the next couple of weeks until the surgery. Meanwhile, life continues, I continue to have meetings many nights of the week, I continue to have to drive everyone everywhere, and I continue to go about life as though the giant elephant is taken up residence somewhere other than all of my conversations with people. It's been a pleasant break, like people forgot! William started his sophomore year of high school today and I refuse to miss just one event of high school. These are the fun years, I spent the last 15 years getting ready for the fun years, hell if I'm missing them now!!! I did go get my nails done with no color (in prep for surgery) haven't not had color in 15-20 years. Then I colored my hair a darker color, closer to my natural color, and NO ONE has noticed or said a word. Guess I'd better reexamine my color when/if the hair falls out and I get a "redo".

I love Julia, she has taken on my surgery,chemo, radiation planning with such skills. Apparently there is a website you can set up to sign up for things, I just want to hug her, so appreciated! Note to people who live near me, you'll be getting that link pretty soon. xoxo

So when I was getting my nails done, there was a VERY loud plumb 55ish lady in there with a purple streak in her hair. I am not exceptionally chatty at the nail salon, I like to read the gossip magazines and get all caught up on Brittney and Lindsey. Anyway she is incessantly commenting on how she matched her purple hair with her nails, which are now a nice shade of purple. Again, I just want to read.

We get all done and go to the nail drying section and here is our conversation:

"What color did you get?" Crazy purple lady

"Clear" Donita

"Why clear?" Crazy purple lady (CPL)

"Because it's none of your freaking business" ECT Then Donita actually said " because I'm having surgery."

"What kind of surgery?" CPL

"Breast surgery" ECT

"Oh, wow, are you getting bigger boobs, do you really think you need bigger boobs, don't you know it will hurt your back later." (I know, I wanted her to breathe also) CPL

"I am having a lumpectomy I have breast cancer." ECT

"Oh, I USED (key word) be an oncologist nurse, are you scared you should be scared do you need to talk to someone" (this time I was hoping for a blue face and no air) CPL

"I'm good" ECT

"No you paused (yea because I want to rip out your purple hair and I am trying not to respond to you) I know your scared, I can see it in your eyes." CPL

"Really, I have sunglasses on and I'm good." ECT

"You can't hide behind those glasses (the hell I can't)" CPL

"I used to give patients their chemo and go to the bathroom and throw up because chemo is awful and your going to be so sick and your going to look the worst you have ever looked." CPL

"Why would you tell someone that?" ECT

and with that, I got up and walked out. WHY do people do this?????

More Information about today's Dr's Visit

Now that the email has been sent out and all appropriate people have been contacted, I can take a minute to go over in more detail today's visit. We got there at 2pm and left at 4pm. It was so nice, to not be a phone call, but to be a patient.

We started off with Kathy, a very nice nurse that asked me SO many questions, that was tedious and nice at the same time. A few of you will remember a few years ago when my dura spontaneously combusted and I did some time at Memorial (Hollywood hospital)and that they were never really able to explain why it happened. She even paid attention to all of that (and believe me it's a long and tedious story!) So she took my blood pressure, it's usually 98/69 (I know I wonder too if I'm really alive) and today it was 138/72 call an ambulance, that is WAY too high for me. She smiled and patted my leg and said "it's actually good for our office"

Dr. New (not her real name) came in and said let's get to it. My dear friend who got me in had already talked to her the day before and told her about my experience with Dr. Suave and his phone manners and she literally spent the next 20 minutes in "uninterrupted eye contact" with me and explained in words I actually understood, exactly what would happen.

But I forgot to say, before she came in she and Kathy met and went over ALL my history (LONG) I know this because Whitney went to get his parking ticket stamped (fidgety-it's ok I was seeing prisms on the side of my eye) and he could see them going over everything we had just talked about and pulling records from the computer and looking at films (can't believe I'm actually THAT important!) before entering the room. It gets graphic here if you want to stop reading and go to the next paragraph.

The night before my surgery I will have radioactive dye injected into my breast (and apparently it hurts) to prepare for a lymphatic mapping and sentinel node biopsy after the partial mastectomy or lumpectomy the next day. They call this the breast-conserving surgery. The lumpectomy removes the tumor and some of the tissues around it and the second surgery that day is the axillary node dissection, this is a procedure in which the lymph nodes in the armpit (axilla) are removed and examined by a pathologist to find out if breast cancer has spread to those nodes. The radioactive dye and sometimes a blue dye travel along the lymphatic ducts in your breast to the lymph nodes under your arm. The first node they reach is called a sentinel node, and this is usually the first node that cancer cell will go to if they have traveled outside of your breast. The surgeon uses a special machine that makes really loud noises activated by the radioactive dye or the blue dye to find the sentinel node and remove it, they also mark it. If for some reason they can't find the node, they must remove all nodes in the underarm area of the side that has the cancer. It is a two week recovery, no DRIVING for two weeks (this is when I will need some help for sure local driving friends) and no lifting at all. Then I move onto chemotherapy once the biopsy results (and healing from the surgery) have returned. Radiation follows chemo to make sure that all cell surrounding the lumpectomy are cancer free, incase one of those little guys cuts lose, they nuke 'em!

SO, there you have it, nothing held back. I don't have any answers about the chemo, but I knew that I wouldn't. She is requiring I get a pre-op physical and many tests run-blood work, etc and I must get a clearance from my neurologist before the anesthesiologist will clear me also. That made me feel so much better, Dr. Suave didn't even pay attention when I brought it up.

So your thinking I really paid attention today and really became suddenly very smart, not the case, Dr. New gave me a FOLDER with tons of information, even a page with a glossary. I'm so happy, praise Frannah, she is just so awesome!!!!! Also, I really need to thank Luann, I hated my obgyn the first time I went and Luann talked me into staying with him, he was so stinking persistent, and look what happened I caught it so EARLY!!! Thanks Luann and thanks Frannah, key people who the Lord has sent to watch over me.

I can't wait to call Carmen, I really want to jack with her bad, tell her that I think I will go the herbal route or maybe tell her I'm going to Mexico for a case study, but she'll probably have a tough time just finding my record.

The new scheduler Patricia, she had me scheduled, a list of Dr's close by (I don't have a regular Dr I usually just go to specialists and you know we just moved here (I know it was almost 4 years ago but I'm pretty healthy minus spontaneously combusting dura's) and I haven't needed a Dr. anyway she had four dr's lined up and I was able to get a new patient appointment and she already faxed them my orders from Dr. New. Isn't that cool, she rocks and she knows my name, she even called me Mrs. Wheeler and said I love your name, CALEDONIA, where did it come from??

So I left there with orders to get clearance from the neurologist, a new patient pre-op appointment, a folder with lot of reference materials and a huge boost of "it's going to be ok!"

Favorite cancer quote "Dr. New- Don't listen to anyone who isn't a Dr because they are idiots and while trying to help, they only spawn little idiot comments!" LOVE HER!!!!

New Doctor!!

Went for the second opinion today and they didn't change the cancer or the treatment, but they changed how they treated me and that was so awesome. I really feel like I'm a patient instead of a phone call. It was a two hour appointment and she was very detailed and explained so many things. I will be having a partial mastectomy on September 8th as well as a lymph node biopsy. I will know at that point the course of chemo, but that will be first followed by radiation. And the hospital is much closer to me and they have three breast oncologist that work specifically with this Dr. who are highly educated, up to date and know about all trials, etc. So, it'd done, I'm switching and I feel great about it.

Now, I get to call Carmen and cancel!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Second Phone Call with Carmen

"Hello"

"Cal caledonna" says Carmen

"Caledonia" replies ECT

"Wheeler" Carmen demands

"Yes" replies ECT

"Caledonna Wheeler this is Carmen with Dr. Suave's office, I know I talked to you but I have no record of it." Carmen the highly intelligent surgical scheduler.

"Yes, Carmen, we chatted last week about a surgery I have scheduled for August 20th, do you have a record of that" voice slightly raising ECT.

"Yes, spell your name again please (HOLY SHIT really?!?!?) C-A-L-E-D-O-N-I-A W-H-E-E-L-E-R, do you have that down correctly, I don't want to get there and be turned away for a misspelling" replied ECT so sweetly.

"(Giggle) Yes I have it correct but I have no record for speaking with you, did I give you directions for your surgery." Carmen says really seriously.

ECT "Directions, yes, I know where the office is located and I know that you don't want me to have aspirin for a week or vitamins, are these the directions?"

Carmen "Hold please"

It was at this time during the wonderful elevator music that I wanted to wrap my hands around Carmen's neck and leave an imprint. I was on hold for 3.25 minutes (phone times it).

"Ok, hi this is Carmen, how may I help you?" Really this shit is ridiculous!!

"Carmen, this is CALEDONIA WHEELER and you called me." ECT is now mad.

"Oh, (giggle) that's right, so you got the directions?" OMG I am going to react to this idiot, I can feel it coming.

"Yes, I have the directions, is there no pre-op orders?" ECT is holding back.

"Hey, Patricia, 'dis lady have any pre-op?" Carmen yells to her co-worker and here is there conversation:

Carmen: yea, she's a lump 8-20 no marks in folder

Patricia: you give direction?

Carmen: yea, directions-pre-op-what is that?

ECT actually answers outloud, "you stupid piece of cow dung, a pre-op is blood work you perform prior to a surgery."

Carmen " Ms. Wheller, you good, bye" click and we were done.

I sat there for a minute before it hit me that this IDIOT prepares people for SURGERY.................. deep breaths, new Dr. on Thursday, they can't possibly ALL be this stupid!!

So Many Changes

Last week I went to the eye doctor and heard those lovely words most 40+ hear, you need reading glasses. I picked up my reading glasses today, here are my new glasses. This was funny on my girls trip, trying on crazy glasses with dear friends. Having to wear them is a completely different story. Which brings me to my point today. SO MANY CHANGES this last couple of years. And I don't do changes well. It took me THREE YEARS to adjust to moving from Texas to Florida, that is a ridiculous amount of time for just change. Then my Nannie died, another change, then my Dad died, another change, then we moved to another new city in FL, another change, then my kids turned into teenagers (WOW good change) and this just keeps going and going until we get to the cancer change. I am about changed out. I understand this is life, but remember I live in a perfect little world and all this change is like me leaving my world and landing on another planet. I know, it's growing up, and I prefer to be like Peter Pan and refuse to grow up!! I think I'll just stay on my planet for a while, with new reading glasses!

Not Much to Say

I didn't blog this weekend because I don't have much to say. I am excited/nervous about going to the new Dr on Thursday. I haven't had any anxiety attacks since last week and I'm not taking the medication. It was so blooming hot this weekend that we just stayed inside. I have a book from a dear sweet friend Sandra about a woman who went through breast cancer. I can't decide if I should read it or not. On Friday night I picked up a magazine that someone had brought me (it was actually called The Cancer Magazine) and I happened to flip to the "what WILL happen to you page" which was a bad idea. I've read through the list of side effects with chemo, but honestly I think I was in shock and I don't seem to remember what they were, or at least all of them. Here it was, the horrible list and I mean horrible. I immediately shut it and handed all four magazines to Whit and told him to get rid of them. But unfortunately before I did throw it away, I did see the list, and I've always had a photographic memory. Great for tests, terrible for things you want to "forget". So I spent most of the weekend pushing it out of my head. Then sometime on Saturday I decided that I wasn't going to have most of the side effects, that I was going to live my life as though I was the exception to the "list". It's horrible knowing you have something that is at some point possibly going to hurt you. It's like knowing ahead of time that your going to get stung by a bee or bitten by a snake and you find out weeks before it actually happens. The sting isn't that bad nor the bite, but the anticipation is enough to make you crazy.

So I am mentally battling the "crazy" right now and forcing my head to stay in it's positive place, you know the place that everyone demands I stay in. I can tell the days I don't have enough distractions, I spend the day battling crazy vs positive. Good thing I have a board meeting tonight and booster on Wed, that keeps me busy and I sure do better busy. See, that's why I have decided that no matter what my body thinks, my head says that I am to live life normal and keep up everything as though the cancer (whisper it) isn't around.

I actually mentally had a picture of me racing against cancer. (I used to be a swimmer many moons ago). It was actually a wakem (an awake dream). It was me, and four other people I know who have been associated with cancer, and I got second place, we were racing "cancer". First place was Teresa who has already won, that's when I decided that the side effects would be at best minimal.

Favorite cancer quote of the weekend "if I drink after you will I catch it?"

There's always someone richer,thinner, smarter, better

Skipped blogging yesterday because the day was almost as if I didn't have cancer, I didn't have time! Between working out, walking with Luann and Judy and going to BJ's (stop it, it's a store) and going to the beach, I ran out of time. But here is my favorite cancer quote from yesterday.

(in reference to my hair) "Do they all fall out together?" Yup, it's a suicide mission, they all hold hands and 1,2,3, JUMP!!!

The last couple of days have been interesting, I wasn't going to blog about it because I felt "weak" in a way, then I thought if I helped some random person that I didn't know was reading this, it might help them.

Starting Tuesday night, late at night I started getting heart palpitations. I haven't had these before (unless I drank too much tequila) and they were freaking me out a little bit. About a month ago, right after my girlfriend trip and early into the cancer journey (weird word, agree with Teresa, not really a journey but maybe you all can give me a better word) I had a full blown anxiety attack one night. Heart palpitations, elephant sitting on my chest, throwing up (almost I HATE to throw up-would rather have a toe nail extracted) diarrhea (I know this is a lot of information) and hot/cold flashes and little sleep. I called the Dr. the next day because I was pretty sure that's what it was and some of my dear sweet friends confirmed it for me. Anyway, I called my obgyn and told the secretary and they immediately called me in some zanax. Have used it occasionally over the years with moving, daily life, etc but had a 30 day rx that I had for 5 years, so obviously it wasn't much. So I had half a one for a few days then we headed off to DC and I was fine. But Wednesday night it came back fast and furious, so I took a whole one and went to bed. I don't like how they make me feel, I feel tired, but it's better than my heart freaking out.

Wow, I can't believe I admitted all that, be easy on me. One thing I did find out yesterday when I was in the Dr's office (new Dr) filling out all the paper work was that this is "normal". I told the receptionist about this and she said "Honey, that is very normal, take the rx." Whew I'm glad to know I'm normal. I have my appointment with new Dr on Thursday yesterday was just filling out paper work.

Another thing I've figured out these last couple of days, is (to quote Jack my father in law he told this to Whitney (husband) at some point in his life and it's something Whitney has always held onto) is "there is always someone faster, richer, smarter, and better" What I mean is that there is always someone with a worst story than mine, better story, different story, freaky story, it's like a fingerprint.

So I'm grateful I'm just where I am with this, I pray for those in a worst situation and rejoice for those in a better situation and I LOVE all of my friends and family so much. I couldn't do this without you all. I want to thank Blythe and Lori for our great chats yesterday and my Mom who checks on me daily. xoxo

I have figured out what is causing the anxiety attacks, it's the unknown. It's all the questions floating in my mind, will my hair be curly, dark, thicker, coarser, will my eye lashes be thinner, longer, the same, will I go through early menopause, will that be the end or will I do it again, will I throw up, will I lose weight (I hope!), will I be able to face the day, all these things (and many more) are floating around and I did NOT have a choice. It's not like a move or something you consciously decide, it's something just thrown at you that you HAVE to deal with, so I'm dealing with God's help, family's help, friend's help and a little zanax help!

National Dick Bath Day

So, aren't you wondering about the title? My Dad' name was Dick Bath (absolutely not kidding at all, Charles Richard Bath aka Dick Bath) and today marks the anniversary of his passing last year. My brother, Dick Jr. (whahahhahaha) not really Froggy, declared it national "Dick Bath" day, so here it is. "Give me an F!" (inside family joke)

Went to breakfast with my sweet friend Cammy and then headed to the movies with the boys, saw Harry Potter and Funny People. Incase you don't know, in Funny People Adam Sandler is dying from cancer, fun topic for me, nice to see some of what's ahead of me-NOT. Could have skipped it, so I don't know if it's a good movie or not, if I didn't have cancer and about to go through chemo may I would have found it funnier (I know that isn't really a word for the grammar police out there). But I liked Harry Potter.

Thank you for all the lovely compliments on my hair, I am digging all the attention ;0) it is kinda a fun do. My dear sweet friend who is a Dr but plays insurance agent, Frannah, has gotten me into another Dr. at my close local hospital for a second opinion. I go on Thursday Aug. 13 at 2pm for the second opinion. IF I like her and if she likes me and if the surgery date is not too far postponed, I will probably switch to her. It's not that I don't like Dr. Suave, it's that it's WAY closer and a better center. Not sure why I wasn't put there in the beginning, but that's the way it is, I LOVE Frannah for taking all the time out of her day to do this for me, thank you. xoxo If you need insurance and live in Hollywood, she's your lady!!!

Favorite cancer quote of the day "why do you need a second opinion, did you get a new cancer spot?" Wow............people....................:o

Great Day #2 and a new haircut

Favorite cancer quote today "three negatives make a positive" (sigh) clearly you did not do well in Algebra!!!

I got my hair cut today, I have always wanted a really sassy look and Kelly told me, "go do it" so I did!!!

So, since I've scheduled the surgery, I really don't have anything to do until Aug. 20th. So I walked with cancer survivor friend Judy(makes me laugh) and am headed to work out again with Shondelle (love her) and then do laundry (gads, I have no more excuses must do housework) and get the boys to their practices and then William is going to his first concert (without his parents) to Green Day. Wow, that is making me happy and nervous at the same time!!

Speaking of my children, everyone is asking me about how everyone is taking the cancer. ECT is extremely honest with the boys, she doesn't want them to be surprised by anything they may see, so she tells them everything. Actually, that's how I do everything, I just tell them the truth, no sugar coating. I am sure they are expecting me to look like Alien, and Nick said as long as he could rub my head, he would be fine.

William seems a little bit more worried, but he's the sensitive one. His friends ask him how I am, I think that's nice. It's such a tiny wonderful loving school.

Whit, he's just perfect, and always says the right things. He loves me unconditionally and I know that and I feel so very special to be his wife. He's scared and work is a monster right now but he's text book perfect and I love him dearly.

When I thought I was getting a double mastectomy all I noticed was boobs (and believe me they are prevalent here near south beach) big boobs, bouncy boobs, perky boobs, overdone boobs, saggy boobs, wear no bra boobs, wow, look in a mirror boobs, PEN boobs, everywhere.

Now all I notice is hair, long short red brown blonde flowing curly brown highlighted, you name it, hair everywhere. My dear sweet friend who I adore and miss (Renee) advised me to go get a wig now, awesome idea, think I will check it out and see what there is out there here in Hollywood, FL. You hope with a name like Hollywood and all the seniors here, I would find a decent shop. I think that will be on the short list to do, but I don't want to go alone, any takers?

I want to mention that Melinda made me lol with tears last night, thank you. Then my dear sweet friend Linda reminded me that everyone I come in contact with has a problem in their life right now and it made me realize that I shouldn't be having my own special lose hair TNBC pity party , although ECT is really having a hard time with that perspective. You need everyone in your life, love you Linda, thank you for helping me keep things in perspective.

I LOVE all you comments and emails to me, I'm like a tick on a June bug with the computer , I can't wait to see what wonderful messages and notes I have, thank you!!!!

Lumpectomy scheduled

Quote for the day "cancer can smell fear" WTF, really??!!??!! You can see why I get irritated..........

So I got the date for my surgery, it's August 20th, no time, they will call me the day before to schedule.

I didn't hear from Carmen when I expected, so I called Dr. Suave's office (not his real name) and was told she was on the other line, what did I want to do? I wanted to hold of course. So I was entertaining myself with the awesome listening music (an actual station albeit a bit staticy) when on came the phone answerer, "She's still on the phone, you want to leave a message" NO I'll hold." More fun music and static. "She's still on the phone and we need to open up this line, she'll have to call you back." Oh no, here's ECT "So you need me to release the phone line to patients who need to talk to your office." Phone answerer (PA) "Yes". ECT "so, basically, my need to talk to your office is mute because you are more concerned with who might be trying to call you than who is actually on the phone, I am feeling less than important and don't want to have a call back, I will continue to hold on." PA "Fine" she intermittently returns to tell me in an irritated tone "She's still on the phone". Finally 15:35 minutes later Carmen come to the phone.

Carmen "who's this"

ECT "Caledonia Wheeler"

Carmen "Who?" (wow, really, you have no idea who's been on hold this whole time)

ECT "C as in camel A as in Alice L as in Lion E as in Elephant D as in-

Carmen "What D or B"

ECT "D"

Carmen "D?"

ECT "D as in D O G"

Carmen "Daled"

ECT "NO It's C as in Camen A as in Alice"

Carmen "oh Wheeler, I found it, left breast correct"

ECT "No right breast"

Carmen "hold please"

Holy shit, clearly IQ is not required but I'm being patient because she has something I need, the surgery date.

Carmen "Caledonia, ok right breast lumpectomy"

ECT "Correct, I have triple negative breast can"

Carmen "oh, that's good, it's a good thing"

ECT didn't comment, no really didn't comment at all, but if I had, here's what I would have said

"Carmen, you work in a f-ing breast surgeon's office. You should know that triple negative is NOT a good thing, that is a horrible thing to say to patients that you are scheduling you freaking dumb ass moron."

Probably a good thing ECT didn't comment.

End of the day, I got my date, it's August 20th!!!!

Thank you today to Judy, Julia, Froggy, Tancie, Tarra, Whitney, William you've all made me really laugh today!

It's a new day

and I'm so glad it's a new day. Something interesting happened this weekend, you met my evil cancer twin (ECT) who seems to have emerged from the past, she's been around before (evil pregnancy twin, evil moving twin, evil life is shitty twin) but she's now got a new agenda, and it's the cancer. She moves in when fear gets the best of just happy go lucky (most of the time) Donita. She's evil and inconsiderate and ungrateful and very selfish, but thank goodness she's back in her hiding place and happy positive Donita is back. I'm sure she will re-emerge but one thing that really keeps her away is humor and regular life, who has time to dwell on cancer??

I love my family, they make me laugh and really don't allow me the luxury of having any sort of pity party for the TNBC.

I haven't worked out in two weeks and let me tell you it was AWESOME to be back at the gym, thank you SHONDELLE, best trainer EVER!!! I have a new walking friend, she's a cancer survivor as well, so she's fun to walk with and she "gets it" like few do.

It has been suggested to me to go about life and not let the cancer win, so I've decided that the best I can, I will do just that, go on as though the giant cancer elephant is still at the zoo. The great thing about this blog is if I want to talk about it, you will know!

Today I am fine with losing my hair, I mean it's just hair, it's not an arm or a leg or a lung, it comes back. I am ok with looking different and I can be strong for everyone who can't be because that's how I roll.

I am just patiently waiting for Carmen at scheduling to call me with a lumpectomy date so we can get this party started. I am wearing what my Mom refers to as my "Garfield smile" right now.......surely Carmen has all contact numbers for me right??!!

Let me go on record and just let you all know, yesterday (by FAR) was the hardest day for me thus far, but I really am better today. I love my life, I have the perfect life, the perfect husband, perfect children, perfect friends, perfect family (most of you), and I really mean that, so I'm ready to get this going so I can be done and continue with this perfect life I've been blessed with. oxxo

I'm sorry, I really am

It seems in my newbie stage of blogging I have really not described my feelings well. I am not, nor was I ever, mad or upset with anyone who told me or wrote me to "stay positive." I get it, I've used those clever words many times in my past. I'm just a little feisty right now and still a little pissed about the whole chemo thing, so don't wear your feelings on your sleeve if you wrote that to me, I am sure I really appreciated it the day you did, really.

So, let's move on and stop dwelling on the positive thing, k??

Had a great time on the beach, didn't get in the water, but wondered if I got in the water with my chemo in my system if I would poison the fish? I don't care about poisoning a shark, because they scare me almost as much as the idea of chemo, but will I hurt the animals that live around me? I hope Buddy and Lucky are safe. And if we have a hurricane, can they just use me as the generator?

See, I have a great sense of humor!!!

Ok I lied, one more post today

Just to set it straight, I appreciate the "stay positive" comments, I do. I sometimes just want to be able to say how I feel without it being followed up with "stay positive" that is frustrating to me. I am staying positive and upbeat and still have a great sense of humor. Humor is the best and as Froggy said (my brother) I should invest in lots of it in the near future.

Cancer does make people uncomfortable, maybe I can help with that, just say the word. Not saying it doesn't make it go away, use it freely, that's what makes me feel like less of a freak. Unless your a Christian Scientist, then I'll give you a pass. :)

I am anxiously waiting for the nurse to call me next week to schedule the surgery date, the Dr. is on vacation all next week. I personally see that as a good thing, he'll be all nice and relaxed for my surgery, on his game.

I feel FINE, I feel GREAT, I have no idea I have breast cancer. Probably a reason it sneaks up on people......you don't know you feel bad until the MRI or Dr tells you you do. I love my family, my boys (all four of them, Whitney, William, Nick and Froggy) they make me laugh and they are so logical about this TNBC that has been placed in our lives. I love my Mom for her constant wonderful positive attitude (really mean that) and my friends and family who are so brutally honest with me who don't let me get away with too much and for my new facebook friends who have known me since I was 4,5 or 10 and are there for me again in life, praise facebook!!!

Headed to the beach for some beach time, which you will learn is my absolute favorite time.

Should be the last post today

I'm sorry for writing that the "keep positive" comments were bugging me. They aren't really, I mean I really do want to hear them, I guess I mean if I talk about it frankly to you, please don't respond with "stay positive"- have the uncomfortable conversation with me and help me through it.

BUT, if you want to post that to me, or fb it to me, or text it to me, that's great because I know your thinking of me and that's what's getting me through all of this, so since I have the cancer, just be patient with my not so though out comments and my wishy washy attitude. I believe that's called "pulling the cancer card." Get used to it....................xoxo :)

More thoughts

I seem to have a lot to say today, it's Sunday and Whitney and William are trying to fix the car outside (Whit backed into a palm tree in our front driveway) and watch Nick play xbox live, wow, it's interesting listening to him chat with his friends.

I'm not sad, I'm scared (not of dying-when I refer to being scared I NEVER mentally go there or mean that) there are so many possibilities of what I could react to, what might happen, etc. if your my friend or family and your reading this, you already know if some freaky thing can happen, it will happen to me. Maybe I've already covered that with the TNBC (triple negative breast cancer) I hope so.

I am absolutely sure of one thing: when you tell someone in person you have breast cancer, they stare at your boob. Teresa says it's like they are waiting for a monster to jump out of your breast, I agree. Are they waiting for a neon sign with an arrow pointing to the 9 o'clock position reading "CANCER HERE!!!" Seriously, do you look at someone's ass when they say they have colon cancer?

Just stay positive

Oh, I have heard that 6000 time, "just stay positive" and what, the cancer will disappear, my life will be charmed and golden, I won't have to do chemo??!! No, what it basically means is "you stay positive so I don't have to deal with your mood swings, physical changes, or deal with the fact that you have a life threatening disease". If you "stay positive" then we can co-jointedly ignore this together". I understand all of you who are possible reading may be offended, and I'm a little sorry for that, but not much since I'm the one with the triple negative breast cancer. In my defense, I have stayed as positive as possible, I tell everyone with a smile and a joke and even joke about being bald with my kids and husband, so I am staying positive the best I can. I haven't gone to all the deep dark places I could mentally, I have just dealt with the immediate future of having surgery and radiation and chemo and staying positive is quite the challenge with that menu. But the love,prayers, posts, cards and emails are helping. I love my friends and family, I really do and I know I will need them to do this.

Starting with triple negative cancer

I created this blog because I have been reading Teresa's cancer blog and it just seemed like a good idea. There are two ways you are supposed to respond to having breast cancer, the first one is how everyone expects me to go through this, and the second one is how I really will go through this. THIS blog is for the second reason. If you don't want to know how I really feel, then don't read it. I have triple negative breast cancer and no it's not a good thing to be triple negative. That is everyone's first response "oh that's good". No, it's not good. It means that I tested negative to three different things that make this cancer aggressive and unresponsive to hormone treatment. In a nutshull, it's more dangerous and more stubborn and OF COURSE more rare, because it's me and that's all I get. Although with all the "rare" crap I've gotten over the years, I've never had a bad outcome and I'm married to someone with a "horseshoe stuck up his ass" so I-in the end-will be FINE and live forever. But right now I'm just mad that I have this and mad I will lose my hair. That's today, I am sure it will change everyday. I got the call on Friday to expect a surgery date next week for my lumpectomy and then the Dr., Whitney and myself will discuss the treatments. My Dr. is good, he's reputable, he is responsive, he is just a man of little words and seems to save his words, treats patients more as a "need to know" rather than prepare. I say this because Friday was the FIRST since this all began that I found out about all this that I heard the word CHEMO, I don't like that word, it's a scary word.