Happy Thanksgiving

Wow, what a year for thanks. I am not thrilled with this year's health outcome for me, but it does have some silver linings, for which I am grateful.

I have found how many friends I have and how wonderful they have treated me this year.

I know (aside from this removed cancer) I am very healthy-I've had every test run.

I know I have a wonderful family that is extremely supportive and unconditionally loves me.

I know I have an extended family that is as supportive and wonderful as anyone could ask for.

I an grateful for the pink path introducing me to some of the most wonderful people on the planet that I otherwise would have never known.

I'm grateful for my church, they have such wonderful prayers and have wrapped their arms around me.

I am so very blessed...........Happy Thanksgiving to all!

Surprise!

I was having such a quick recovery. I was up and around much quicker and better than last time and actually very proud of myself.

Then all of a sudden in it's "been hit by a bus" way it hit me again tonight. The nauseas and the stomach burning and the achy body, it's all back. I know (since I try and learn from the past) that this will pass in a day or two and in a day or two I will be 94% fine until my next chemo (still-at this point-not committing too-ok really- we know I am bluffing-but if I say that I feel like I have some control over this entire situation that I never have any control over-but I'm not frustrated with that at all :)) and enjoy the holidays like everyone else.

However tonight not feeling that groovy. I always take feeling bad so personally, like if I had done abc and not def then I would be fine tonight, I absolutely will not let this cancer or the chemo have any possession over me at all, so silly, maybe if I could just let go and let the chemo run it's course and understand that the cancer is gone, then I would feel better right now.

See, always making excuses for feeling bad, I just need to say "to heck with it, I just feel bad", there I feel better. (I do recognize the giant circle here-help stop me- I've fallen and I can't get up.....)

Looking forward to more progression in the "feeling good" category tomorrow. I almost forgot, ECT cut loose today. I was standing in line at the post office (along with everyone in the city of Hollywood) and I was about 20 people back in line and there were about 20 people in back of me. I had two large sacks of boxes to mail and I was sliding them on the floor. The lady standing behind me in line asked me.....

"Can I go ahead of you, I just have one box"

I just stood there for what seemed five minutes (must have been ECT arriving) I was like "really?"

ECT responded, "I don't know, it depends on when I get up there. You know the person in front of me only has one item and the three people behind you only have one item, this isn't like the grocery story, you aren't behind me in the same check out, you will go to the next available teller, and if I let you go, when does it end?"

She didn't speak to me again. I was really irritated, why do people feel like their time is more valuable than my time? In a grocery store, I get that, but this is a post office. And to top it off, when I was done mailing my $103 worth of boxes, she was STILL at her check out person-arugeing with them.............

The Boxes I Can Control

I am doing much better this Saturday morning than I did "last" Saturday morning. I am stronger and able to keep more down and other than staying away from germs am doing my normal stuff.

I will have to say there is such am emotional side to all of this, as I watched William, Whitney, and Nick drive off this morning, I was sad. William's team won (YAY LIONS!!) their first round in the District 2B (Florida) football playoffs last night and I was there in spirit through texts and friends. Nick has a seed meet today to post times for the swim championship meet weekend after next. I wasn't there to cheer for any of it. I get it too, I get that parents can't possibly make everything......... but that's my job............and this isn't by choice. It's my job to get them where they belong and to drive them to do their best. I am taking some well documented time off but it still makes me very sad to miss these things. Everyone tells me "this time is for you" "you can't do everything" but at the end of the day, NO ONE asked me if I WANTED to do any of this and the end result is it makes me sad.

It's hard enough to stay "up" for all of this pink path stuff. It's hard enough to smile and say "I feel good, thanks for asking" or "Honey, I am there in spirit, I am cheering for you" or "no, I don't want to have any company or go anywhere for the holidays" with a smile and just being grateful for a second chance at life. There is so much responsibility that goes with being "sick".

It wedges its way into your entire life and rearranges all the things that you already know and know how to do, it presents an entire new way of life, while all coming at the speed of light with little time to adjust or respond, and it's all without choice. I think that's what is hard to grasp for me, right now, and to ice the cake, you have to do it in a completely weakened emotional and physical state.

I know this sounds ridiculous, but today I'm getting out the Christmas boxes, they make me smile and unlike missing play off games and swim meets and gathering of friends and family get togethers, I can control the boxes.

Throws of Chemo

I understand being in the throws of chemo is tough, but let me just say, it's tough. I am sad today and I'm sure it's just my hormones moving around changing lanes and becoming complete new hormones (guess my old ones weren't good enough) but I'm sad that I'm stuck on the couch or in the bed. No yesterday I wasn't as bad as the first time, but I wasn't much better, I could walk alone and that was my biggest accomplishment. Last week I was all but normal having a large time and enjoying my friends and family. This week I've been hit by a bus and I'm back on the couch/bed doing nothing and I hate it.

I hate that I know I'm going to be hit by a bus two more times and know what to expect. I am doing things better and I'm not as nauseas and I'm not as weak but I'm still very uncomfortable and mad. These are the days that I question everything I've ever eaten, drank, where I've lived and wonder what did this to me.

I have such a wonderful support group and I couldn't do it without every single one of you, but I'm still mad and I'm mad mad mad that I'm a breast cancer patient soon to be survivor, so I think I'll go take a nap and see if I can use my energy a little bit better towards myself instead of my anger.

Rough Day

Very weak, been asleep since yesterday, only up to go to the restroom and drink water. A little better than last time, having someone type for me.........

Praying for more strength tomorrow......

Shot Day

I'm not 100% but I'm doing ok. I am sleepy, nauseas, weak, horrible metallic taste in my mouth, having a hard time eating or drinking but forcing myself on both of those, and have a headache. They were supposed to give me the steroid that has less of a headache then the one they gave me the first time and I will give them some credit it was less of a headache but I've still got one.

Went and got my shower and shot, so I'm probably done for the day back in the bed or on the couch. I hope tomorrow isn't that bad, although it's supposed to be my "worst" day and last time proved that to be true.

Have I mentioned that I loathe chemo and I'm a little irritated today that I even have to do this. I get it, but that doesn't make it any better. I know I'm down and I'm ok with being down because this completely bites and let me repeat, I get it.

Still no results on the gene test, that makes me nervous, and they ignored me again yesterday when I brought up the four instead of six treatments but I feel victorious because they can't make me come!!!

Time to go back to resting and thank you for all the encouraging words, you can't tell from today's entry, but they really keep me up and going.

Chemo #2 Part two

I am home, got home at 2:30pm and my sweet friend stayed with me and brought me home. Whitney had to do the parental duties and my sweet Mom had to go home.

I'm in bed, just watching tv and resting. Nauseas and tired, bit of a headache, but feel ok. I get my shot tomorrow at 2:30, I think that's good, I'm hoping to NOT crash this time.

Thank you for all the love and support and emails and texts and love notes and packages in the mail. I'll tell you again and again, they REALLY help! :)

Chemo #2 Part one

Here I sit in my most favorite Memorial Regional East breast center. I have (guess....... come on) 1) given blood (although I was told not to give blood anymore through my arm but only through my port-they don't want to access my port unless my blood count clears to begin chemo-they can only do that through my arm.......can you see this ridiculous circle? And when I try and tell the tech that the ladies in the back said.........the ladies in the back have no memory of that.......but whatever it's already done) 2) weighed (huge surprise, I'm down a few ;p) 3) given a history of all meds taken the last 24 hours and reviewed my name, birthday, and patient #.........whew.......I passed!

I am now sitting waiting for my doctor or more realistically nurse practitioner to come speak to me. ECT is already in trouble, I am doing a study and I am not taking the pills exactly as prescribed, you know I've forgotten TWICE and accidentally only took one pill the first two days instead of two pills. I didn't take it the first two days because I thought I had swallowed gasoline and the pills just made me feel worse, but the second I felt like I could keep them down I did. The problem is I have to take these pills first thing in the morning with nothing in my stomach and no food or drink or laying down for 45 minutes. That makes it tough, no coffee no food for 45 minutes, so on the weekends it's really tough to do since we have family breakfasts and enjoy coffee on the front porch and sometimes I lay back down. Again, it's a study and this "study employee" (that's really her job to oversee all the studies, etc available to us) is really not happy with me and I now have to keep a "pill log". Can't I just subtract from the number of pills they gave me from the days? Let me clarify this, I think it's an awesome opportunity and a wonderful job she has, she just doesn't have to be so mean, I'm doing the best I can do right now!

Talked to the nurse practitioner and off I go to Chemoville. Guess what, no blood return on the port, sigh. But since I had a port-o-gram (I think that's a funny name, grams are usually associated -in my mind-with good news not port working news) they are using my port anyway. I guess the port-o-gram says, it works use it. Getting the "A" right now of the TAC and it's the red one that never loses it's color, even processed. I am drinking my new kick butt water, Evolv, and just said goodbye to my Mom. That was less than fun, I'll miss her she's been a huge help. We cooked so much and ran all those errands and she drove the boys everywhere. It's gotta be really hard on her being so far away. I am waiting for my sweet friend J to come and join me for a little bit and just got off the phone with my TX three who are having a fun weekend together in Austin, I think I'll plan on joining them next year!

Starting the "C" of TAC, at least we're moving forward!

Chemo Eve

I have been staring at my pills that I have to take for about 3 hours, we are having a "Mexican Stand off" there stands the pills and here I sit. They are still in the container..........I will take them........probably...........most likely..........

Why you ask, it's because I know that taking the pills just starts the cycle all over again and unfortunately it's not like childbirth and I have time to forget, I have a very fresh memory of what's going to happen this week and I recall how badly it completely sucks.

I really hope they tell me if I have the gene tomorrow, because if I don't, then I will be half way done tomorrow and I'm really hoping for that outcome!

Here's what I look like bald

Chemo Day #2 Eve

ECT is really in a quandary today, she is wanting to pack a bag and get on the nearest plane going anywhere but to the Breast Cancer Center tomorrow. I mean she knows that the cancer is gone and it's just preventative at this point, she's a risk taker and a gambler, why not just take the "wait and see approach?"

Good thing Donita is her other half and is the responsible one that goes to all the appointments and doesn't flea the county when it's chemo time. I don't want to do this either, at all, and have done a good job of distracting myself but I would really like to crawl up in the bed and just pull the covers over my head for the next couple of days.

Sigh, hopefully I'm half way done tomorrow!

Game Time Fun

Spent the day at the Dolphins game with NO HAIR!! I took about five hours yesterday to decide what I was going to do and finally decided to wear my bandana with my cowgirl hat that my sweet friends in Texas sent to me. I was worried, but no one seemed to notice and if they did notice they didn't make any faces or stare at me. That was a little reassuring.

And how crazy is this, I had a complete bald spot and there are tiny hairs growing back, like razor stubble, it's crazy! It's making me think I'm losing my mind. Except I go back on Tuesday for more chemo, so I think it will probably fall out again.....wonder how long this goes on?

I guess each of these baby steps are what's required through these different chemo steps. I am being positive, or at least trying to be as positive as possible, but I am NOT excited about my next chemo on Tuesday. At least I know my third week is a good week, that's something to look forward too!

She's's a Flasher!

ECT has been poking her head around. If you've forgotten who ECT is, she's my Evil Cancer Twin and she is really being naughty lately. Her newest thing is to flash people. People have been asking me "how's your hair", well, my hair no longer has any feelings, since it's gone on a vacation.

While Donita goes to say "I am fine, thank you for asking" ECT jumps right in the middle of things and leaps straight to the flashing. It's really funny to see people's face, you know, it's like a terrible accident. You don't mean to look or really want to look, but you sure are curious. So when someone asks me about my hair ECT just flashes them the bald head.

Doesn't matter where we are, in a restaurant parking lot, at the swimming pool, at the ocean, in the store, she just whips off that wig and hat and shows the old science experiment to anyone who will look.

Sure hope it's just a "phase!" And if you live around me, beware, you might get that flash!!

More Success

Wow, it's really my "week" I successfully went down to the beach with a hair piece on and the wind blowing and it was FINE!!!! William's school had a walk-a-thon and I had on my hair piece with a neon lime green (really, can you image that me in a green or blue or pink hat?) with sparkles on it. William's school is Catholic and they are divided into houses and one of the houses walked by and their color is green. I was sitting on the broadwalk on the beach and they yelled out "Let's give it up for the lady in the green hat" and they all started clapping and being silly. It made me laugh so loud, kids (people in general) are so sweet to us baldies. And yes, they know I'm Will's Mom and they know I have cancer and they probably figured out I'm bald. But it made my day more than those sweet high schoolers will ever know!

Who said high schoolers were the devil??? :)

And I keep seeing people and no one freaks out when they see me, that makes me feel good too!

Science Experiment

My head looks like a science experiment. I have a section of complete baldness, a section of shaved and a section of sparsely growing (looks like corn) and then some crazy fuzzy hair that just sticks out. Honestly, I have to giggle when I see it, it's ridiculous.

I usually wear a little cap that's skin colored around the house to avoid the family stares and the fact that you can see in my windows at night (would really scare the neighbors) but had it off a minute ago and William came around the corner, looked at me and just kept going right around the corner. It was funny, I guess I'll keep the cap on in mixed company.

I have to compliment my husband, he's so wonderful. When he looks at me I usually don't have on the hid-a-cap and he doesn't blink an eye, he doesn't look away, he just kisses my head and tells me I'm beautiful. Isn't that sweet, he's the best.

I wish I had more guts to take a picture of this science experiment and I'm not joking, I just look at my head and smile, it's truly one of the most ridiculous things I've ever seen and it's on my head.

My Mom is very proud of the fact that I have a perfectly round head and small flat ears. No Mickey Mouse for me. She said she turned me every 20 minutes so I would have a perfectly round head unlike my Dad who had flat head in the back (apparently my Grandmother was not aware of the 20 minute flip rule). Wasn't that nice of her, to have the foresight to make sure my head was perfectly round incase my hair ever fell out?

I did it!!!

This morning I woke up to less hair, but anticipated it so I slept with a cap on. I stood over the bathroom sink and just kept pulling (not really pulling since it just glides out) until I had another small animal in the sink. I thought at this rate it would take me a week to fully shed, so I went and got the shaver. I shaved a small section in the front and it was surprisingly painful and stubby. So I put away the shaver and got out the scissors and cut it as close to my head as possible and chopped away until it was all in the sink. Again, did this tear free, which I was proud of myself.

Then I got out one of my hair pieces and my cute black "French" hat and wore it all day long. NO ONE knew it wasn't my hair. It was crazy and it was ok, I made it out in public with my hair piece and no one stared at me or made fun of me.

I finally did it, months of anticipation, and I made it through with no tears and no embarrassment. Another "first" on the pink path completed, I can breathe a little easier now!

Shower Surprise

I thought I'd better wash away my blues and take a shower. Turned out to be way more than I bargained for.........apparently my hair is ready to come out. I was washing it and when I went to rinse it large pieces came out in my hand. I thought I'd just be done with it, so I got a comb and started combing through my hair. Done with it doesn't even come close, it just kept coming and coming and coming, like the Energizer bunny.

It was weird, I thought I would cry and be hysterical, but I wasn't, I didn't even cry-not one tear. I just kept running the comb through my hair pulling out large sections. I think this could have gone on forever, my hands were pruney. I decided that was enough for one day and once I cleaned up all the hair all around the shower, I was glad I had stopped. How much hair does a human have exactly?

I'm prepared (as my dear friends would say) I've got the wigs, hats and all ready to go and huge chunks of missing hair on my head. I posted earlier I wasn't sure about shaving my head, I guess I'll wait and see if this happens every time I wash my hair. At this rate I should only be washing my hair about three more times.

I feel a little sorry for my housekeeper I see lots of vacuuming and sweeping in her future. A little relieved I am not sobbing on the bed. I finally thought I would compare it to having a husband travel. You know they will be gone for a while and you function fully without them, and then they return.

Not happy about soon to be baldness, but accepting it...................

Monday Blues

I am sure that my hormones are messing with me, but I am just not in a good mood today. The wind is blowing 100 mph and it's yucky to be outside and I'm just tired. I can't seem to shake the tiredness. ALL I've done today is watch tv, pick up Nick, and sleep.

And watch my hair come out. I can't decide whether or not I should just shave it or let it come out and just see what's left........of course, a small furry animal falls out about once an hour..........so I'd better hurry up and make up my mind!

Hair Dilemma!

I can't seem to get past the hair. I haven no idea why it isn't logical at all. I understand it will grow back and be "better than the past" "wish I'd had this hair for years" "am so thankful it's only hair" but I'm still not okay with it. It doesn't really matter, just like all of this cancer stuff, it doesn't really matter what I want or how I feel, it does whatever it wants. My hair is starting to fall out, not in handfuls, but enough for me to say "my hair is starting to fall out". It makes me so very sad.

Everyone has tried to make me ok with this, and I recognize and appreciate it, but I am simply not ok. I don't want to be bald and I don't want to wait 2-3 years for my hair to look like it never went through chemo, even though this cancer bully will do what it wants.

I have a wonderful array of hats and wigs and scarfs and I understand that I will be socially acceptable (and pitied) for the condition of my hairless head and with all this understanding, I am still naively hanging on to the .01% chance that my hair won't fall out. Am I an ever dying optimist or what??

I was wondering, does the cancer card get you the "skip a birthday and do it next year" option??

Happy Friday

I am glad to report that today has been rather uneventful. I continue to seek and find what foods I can actually eat. That's a challenge. It feels like I ate gasoline so much that it's not worth the food. However, I am staying hydrated (with awesome new water-thanks D!!!!) and as long as I'm hydrated life seems pretty reasonable.

Walked on the beach for the first time in two weeks, that was absolutely delightful! I am a little tired this afternoon, getting ready to watch some funny movies with my Mom.

Excited about this weekend, get to have a birthday lunch with my awesome friends and dinner with my family!! I think, you know, life is easier with Mom!!! :)

Mom's Here!!

I am so glad that my Mom is here!! I can relax just a little, you know life is always better when your sick and your Mom is with you. Pretty rough couple of days, I am fully functioning, just feel really yucky. I have new medication, I think it works, I guess it works, I am not sure I don't have anything to compare this too!

Every day i s a new adventure, adventure being a loose term, since I wouldn't call this fun.

First Appointment Post Chemo

Happy Story first: yesterday the mailman brought me four boxes, not all that surprising I have a birthday this week (sigh), two were from my favorite in-laws, one from my college friends, and one from Kansas. I know no one in Kansas (ok one person wasn't them!) My awesome college friends sent me some really cool new hats, a cowboy hat, a pink hat and a fun black hat. LOVE them all!! Sad I have to have them, but love them. The one from Kansas had a teddy bear and a letter and some vitamins. Background information, my brother is a Red Raider (I'm an Aggie) and he posted about me having chemo on the red raider board and there was a lot of wonderfully sweet responses. He sent me the link and I told them thank you for being so sweet to a sad little Aggie (TAMU beat TT for the first time in 16 years-they really really don't like the Aggies) and I reminded them that it was nice to see TAMU win and they were still nice!! Anyway, the box was from one of the posters on the TT board that had a note about how cancer was beatable and how he had done it (twice) and how I could "Beat the helloutta cancer" (which is a TAMU thing, really sweet of a Raider to use, you have to be from TX to get the rivalry there) and probably one of the sweetest letters I have ever read. I was dissolved into tears in the living room with a bear in my lap. Canceronians are really very sweet people, I feel so blessed to have so many arms around me. Wanted to share that there are the sweetest people out there in the world.

As far as today goes, all morning long I have been mega nausea, which is puzzling me. I did realize last night that I am probably going to be a roller coaster of emotions, ready to ride??

Anyway, I drove William to school and I pass the breast cancer place every time I go to his school. Getting the picture, I pass it at least 2-4 times a day. Now when I go by it, I get a weird feeling. Not great for me. I am sitting in the building feeling really bad right this second. I think I'm afraid of this place, natural conditioning. One of my fellow canceronians was telling me that it would be hard to willingly drive yourself to chemo after a while, I totally get that! As I sit in the waiting room (my friend C will appreciate this based on her fb post today) there were various stages of cancer around and then just the Hollywood factor was there too (think Austin weird) and it is just a strange looking bunch of people. Some have hair, some don't, some look bald and are wearing an outfit like Jimmy Connor (headband and all) and some look just sick. I kinda want to leave.

I left off when they called me in, I was so relieved when they said no labs today, YAY!!! I tried to tell her about only 4 cycles instead of 6, she just kinda of ignored me! Can't make me go after four.........just saying! I sat with another canceronian (my sweet friend S) and it actually was good for me. I know that sounds a little selfish because I was there for her, she was getting chemo, but it was good to be in the room and feel somewhat ok.

Also, side note, just because something happened to me DOES NOT mean the same will happen to you (if your in treatment).

The Dr. gave me a new nausea medication and I had a delightful lunch with my sweet friend and I ATE which was good! I do feel better not completely good but better. I have some funny thoughts (I crack myself up) and I was debating about whether or not to share. But hey, it's my blog, if you don't want to know, don't read!!!

Anyway, you know how sometimes you use the restroom and you wonder what in the world is that? I mean you've never eaten anything that remotely resembles it and you are pretty sure you aren't growing anything inside of yourself, it's really quite puzzling. Usually blow it off and resume normal activities. However, this has happened to me every day for the last 5-6 days. My imagination is really overactive and I feel like the chemo is literally eating parts of my body and spitting them out. It doesn't hurt and I'm not uncomfortable, I just have some really strange stuff exiting the building. Creeping me out, just a bit.

On that note, have a sunny day!!!

Singing Praises

Wow, am I one happy chemo chick!! I have a healthy non mump boy and a body that is working with me today. I am fine, like I've never been fine. Ok, well I feel like I'm about 10 weeks pregnant, a little sleepy and nausea but compared to last week I'm AWESOME!!!

I have made the decision (unless I'm gene positive) for certain that I will only do the four treatments instead of six. There's apparently no reason to do six and I'm having radiation, so WHY??

I am just so happy to be normal. No one is here, I'm preparing dinner, folding glorious laundry, paying awesome bills and just gloating over my view of this giant yacht and the beautiful Atlantic InterCoastal waterways and when I go upstairs, I see the beautiful Atlantic Ocean. I love the ocean. I love Florida. I love the people here, they are awesome. Of course, my Texas peeps are the most awesomeist, really I am just happy to have so many wonderful friends and family all around the USA and the world!!

My Mom comes tomorrow which means we'll get all the ducks in a row for a good while and it will be good to hug my Mom. Something about being sick, I just want Whitney and my Mom and of course the boys and my mil too, she's great!

I just can't tell you how great it feels to be typing and talking and walking and eating. I have decided that apparently I abused my body as much as anyone needs to in my teens/twenties, so I am taking this opportunity to make it up to myself. I am eating quite healthy and wise (preparing those genes for next go around) and resting and exercising with caution. I will NOT be down like I was last time, that was really scary.

Also, I've gotten many responses that many people's chemo is NOT cumulative, so the worst is behind me. That's what I've decided.

It's good to be back to be positive and ready to fight.

It's a Much Better Day

Today was a much better day!! Slept a ton (forgot to set clocks back!!) and then got up super early and spent some time just reflecting and praying and enjoying the atmosphere. We went to our organic market and I got hot, so we jumped in the ocean, in our CLOTHES!!! It was so fun and a much needed relaxation that always rejuvenates me. We did some changing of the decorations and napped and had a very healthy lovely dinner. I barely have a taste left in my mouth and food tastes great!

I have decided that unless my gene testing comes back positive, that I am going to talk to the oncologist about only doing 4 treatments instead of 6. It is my understanding that they can't prove any positive difference (negative either) between doing 4 and 6 and I'm thinking I'm good with 4 and radiation. Geez, the cancer is gone, this is preventative, I think 4 is good. I just hope Dr. Oncologist agrees with me!! It doesn't change the dose or anything, it's just more preventative.

I have a Dr's appointment on Tuesday, we'll chat then!!

Nick as his Dr's appointment tomorrow for mump, pray he's released and back to his middle school haven, I think he actually missed school after being quarantined for a week!!

I'm glad to be back, still require a few extra rests, but SO SO SO much better!!