First Flirt with Chemo Response

Wow, is about all I can come up with. I mean wow, if your in treatment now and don't want to know, stop reading!!!

Thursday morning we got up to go get my white blood count shot and I was well on my way to a collapse. I was so weak, so nausea, so white.......... so bad. I barely made it home from the shot and I could not WALK, I mean I couldn't do anything. Thank goodness for the bestest man on the planet, Whitney, he had to be me and him that day. I remember coming home and barely making it into bed and then I remember Friday and that's about it. I know I couldn't feed myself or hold anything and I was so very sick. Cold-hot-cold-hot crying sleeping for 48 hrs straight.

It really scared me, I'm tough to keep down, I mean surgery and I'm going that day, babies-that day, nothing keeps me down. I met my match.

Next time I will get my shot sooner, so I shouldn't "crash" quite as bad. They say it's cumulative, which I don't mind telling you scares the bejesus out of me. I couldn't feed myself or walk how much worse can it get? I know, a little drama queen here, but never have I been that way ever!!

Ok, so that's where I've been, in bed, not watching tv or sneaking in facebook, just trying to make it. This morning I got up at 7:30am and had a regular breakfast, did three loads of laundry, watered the flowers and guess where I am..............back in bed. :(

I have no taste buds, they seem to have already left, I can only tell the difference between hot and cold and my hair is leaving rather quickly. Eating lots of ice and not brushing my hair.

This is a path for sure, I guess it will take me and my family a while to navigate down it, I tell you one thing, I pray that they find a cure and that no one has to suffer, NO ONE should have to feel this way, ever.

I really can feel your prayers and love and thoughts wrapped around me. Whitney needs them too, so do the boys, I think that it scared everyone pretty bad.................strong Mom..... DOWN!

Port Fixed!

They took me in, put the needle in the port, injected the dye and I'm good to go. Just kidding, it wasn't that easy!

They did put the needle in and I forgot the numbing cream (very sad face-makes a huge difference to me) but I'm tough so it wasn't too bad. Then they flushed it with saline (don't care for the taste at all-screams hospital) and then heprin (sp?) and then they wheeled me into the OR that they did the procedure in and I got to wait a little while.

It was actually a very good thing that I had to wait, I took a much needed nap. Then they put the radioactive dye (side note-I have had SO much of this radioactive dye in the last five years, I bet when a hurricane comes I can light up our house, our own personal generator) and then they took a lot of pictures.

They let me see the pictures, which was actually a very good thing because my imagination as to what and where my port and all the wires were was waaayyyy off what was actually going on inside. That made me feel TONS better, should have asked the first time. Of course, I was half out of it.

They think what happened was my tube that connects to the port in my vein has gone up against the side of my vein and my body doesn't quite know what to do with it, so it is growing around it causing fibrous tissue to form around it and that's the clot that was in the way yesterday. So hopefully now with a good flushing and liquid plumber I will be good to go next time. I was so grateful no new port or anything.

At home, about to get Nick going on his mump homework and probably nap, I'm feeling a little glassy eyed!

Port Overhaul-waiting room

Here I am in my most favorite place of late, the hospital waiting room. They actually (no kidding) know my name by heart, they say "good morning Caledonia" -that's my real name-incase you didn't know that-Caledonia is how the hospital, doctors, any medical personnel know me! Donita is a nick name, I am the 6 or 7th Caledonia in our family. My grandmother went by Caledonia my Mom by Donia and I am Donita-little Donia in Spanish-I was born in Bolivia, South America. My 2nd cousin goes by Callie (I think I would have preferred that but my Mom didn't like Aunt Callie so it was a no go!) It means "old Scotland" so yes, I am somewhat Scottish. My first language was Spanish and of course English, I've lost a lot of the Spanish. I did well with it through high school growing up in El Paso, TX and then didn't need it much in College Station, TX or Dallas, TX but I'm happy to say that now I'm in South Florida I use it quite a bit and it's coming back!!! I have no Latin back ground, my parents are from the states. Ok, enough with the history lesson.

This is what happens when I have too much time in the waiting room! :) Although I was very excited when I got here and my favorite chair was empty waiting for me.

I'm urked I am even in the hospital waiting room. I didn't sleep well last night, but that's not surprising, they loaded me up with steroids yesterday. I would say I was restless and today I am a very rosy color. I feel mostly ok, I feel like I'm first trimester pregnant, a little queasy and shaky but I've already had some laughs this morning.

Poor Nick was like "am I going to be alone all day today too?" Mump boy isn't enjoying being sick and alone and quarantined to his room. Who knew he would ever tire of XBox?

Back to the port, I was thinking last night, that I am just the "2nd" patient. Most procedures I've ever had I've had to had "tweaked" again. Sometimes the machine just breaks and I have to do it twice. Why would this be any different? Usually it's just twice and I always cost them more. :) Isn't that evil that I have a sense of satisfaction that they have to pay for their mistake, that's definitely ECT, not sweet Caledonia! :)

I think they are going to open the top incision and run some dye through it. Yesterday at the end of my chemo the port finally opened up, but as the nurse explained to me, if the port is not in correctly and those chemicals were just floating around my body I'd have about an hour left on earth. Ok, let's fix the port and use my hand for chemo. They can't always use my hand because I have weak veins (found that out two years ago when my dura exploded) and they collapse easily. I drank lots of water this morning so my veins would cooperate. They can only use my left arm to do anything in because my right arm is missing some lymph nodes so they can't use that arm, ever. I drank water all day Monday and Tuesday morning for the vein thing and my veins were still difficult yesterday. Probably has something to do with my blood pressure averaging 96/68. Yesterday she got it in and the blood was taking it's sweet time flowing, she was getting so frustrated. This was in the lab where I donated 5-6 viles to my collection. I personally think my blood is very happy where it is and doesn't want to leave.

Dye and check it out. They will probably say, "we got blood immediately" go home, but I am going to make them really check it out, I don't want any chemo drugs "floating around" my body, that makes me very nervous.

More to come.........I'll stop babbling!

Chemo #1 Post #2

Port is jammed and they can't get me in for a catheter replacing, I will have to go tomorrow to do that. They are going to give me the chemo the traditional way in my arm. We haven't started yet, it's 12:18pm, so I'm going to be here a while.

Nervous, po'ed, you already know how much I HATE this port and the flipping thing doesn't work, I'm so FRUSTRATED, but I'm smiling that gigantic Garfield smile!!!

I was beating Whit at gin until just now, I have to go beat him again! :)

PRAYERS PRAYERS PRAYERS

Updated 12:55

We're doing the tummy and nausea medication first, that has 15 min left on it and then they start the A of the TAC and then the T/C.

Chemo #1 Post #1

Here we are, Nick is taken care of because he's at home, and we don't need to worry about him. So maybe him having the mumps is going to be very helpful. No need to worry about picking him up, practice, etc. Just need to worry about him wearing his mask and walking around with his can of lysol. He's quite the germ-a-phobe and he's less than thrilled to be stuck in his room for a week. It was cute, he was off last Friday and he said "I wish I had another week off." I told you, see you better be careful what you wish for, your stuck in your room until Monday! My sweet friend John got William this morning so we didn't have to "waste" 30 minutes between school and chemo.

We got here on time, which if you know us is a feat, and came in paid and then while I was setting up the computer got up a CHAIR MASSAGE!!!! It was awesome, no thinking for me, just had a massage. And wouldn't you know, when she was done it was time for me to come back. They do the usual weighing, blood pressure (actually in the 100's today, must be alive) and temp. Now we sit and wait for a chat (probably talk about mumps, etc) and then I give some more of my blood. I think I'm going to start charging them for my blood. I have to take a pill and then we start the drip.

I went and gave six vials of blood, for the genetic testing and the study I'm also enrolled in for bone density. That was less than fun, but at least I didn't pass out. I am back in the chemo room. Sat and visited with my chemo friend (she's here too) filled out more paper work and now we're waiting for my port to share blood. Apparently I'm a little dehydrated (I don't know HOW I drank an entire lake of water yesterday because I anticipated this I am always dehydrated). Can't get my port to give blood, must be a clot. :) It's me.

She is now going to give me activase, it's like liquid plumber for people. :)

Add an extra half hour to the day.......

Chemo Eve Day Morning

I thought today I would be walking and getting my nails taken off (the gel on top of my nails) but NO, it's 8:15am and I'm at the dentist office. Nick has a cheek the size of a squirrel storing 100 nuts for winter. Poor baby, he looks like a lopsided chipmunk. I thought it was incredibly sweet of him to be the designated "take Mom's mind off having chemo tomorrow" candidate for the family.

We had a great weekend, game for Will on Friday, swim meet all day Saturday, dinner with girlfriends on Saturday night, Sunday the organic market and the beginning of Nick's huge face and then the Dolphins game. I personally really enjoyed the game because 1) it was my first dolphins game and we were on the 50th yard line in awesome seats 2) we were playing the Saints and my two favorite teams growing up were the Dolphins and the Saints so I was happy with the outcome, regardless of who won.

The dentist said that it's not his tooth, so we're now at the pediatrician's office waiting for him to be checked out. We have an appointment with the ENT at 11:30 also. Something I love about South Florida, you can get into ANY doctor at ANY time, it's awesome. It's 9:08 am and we've already covered two doctors (with no appointments).

I really only had a few minutes over the last couple of days to worry about tomorrow. Last night I started "thinking" and had that elephant sitting on my chest again. I don't even know what word would cover how I feel right now. Scared doesn't quite cover it, nervous doesn't quite cover it, anxious doesn't quite cover it, I don't know. Maybe scaxious that's how I feel.

All I know is I have my first chemotherapy for breast cancer tomorrow. Maybe I don't know how to feel because I haven't done it before. Like child birth, you just sort of figure it out while it's going on. You are prepared, you have all the physical equipment and you have the mental stories and suggestions, however I am thinking it parallels anything you have done for the first time. You know that incredibly uncomfortable feeling you have in the pit of your stomach that your not sure what to do with. You do anything and everything you can think of to make it go away and when it doesn't you just find distractions. That's where I am right now.

It's a good thing (don't get me wrong I would never want my children to hurt I am sad for Nick and I hope they figure this thing out quickly) that I am sitting here waiting to find out what's wrong with Nick instead of pacing around the house doing all the things that need to be done "before chemo".

Nick just told me he was afraid he had "caught Mom's breast cancer" in his cheek. :( Poor baby, that makes me so very sad, he never says anything about me, but obviously he is scared. I have reassured him and the dentist reassured him that this is not possible. I guess everyone in the house is putting on their brave face. I sure hope that this pink path provides the boys with some positive experience that they can use to grown and be a better person.

UPDATE: Nick has the mumps.....................

Weekend Thoughts

If I ignore the upcoming week and just play all weekend, then it will not happen, right????

Of course, I know this isn't true. Just having a relaxing weekend with lots of sports and spending it with family and dear friends.

Thank you for all who are distracting me, you're doing a great job!!!

And my beloved Aggies (Texas A&M Aggies) won a football game and they won their football game again the Texas Tech Raiders, which made it an even sweeter win that brightened my weekend for sure THANKS AGGIES!!!!

Meet some new friends tonight and were discussing baldness. She stated that being bald was incredibly sexy. Whahahahaha, that is so sweet, I don't picture it that way, but I thought it was sweet she told me that though.

Another thought, if statistically my having cancer means I have satisfied the statistic for our family, then I will gladly take "one for the team" for all family members!!

TRYING to find the silver lining.

HUGS!!!

Teaser: Monday may not be as pleasant as a post.............stay tuned...............will ECT resurface??

Y-O-U

ECT is in rare form today. I will admit that I don't have the energy to conceal her!

Here's what she's thinking

"You're strong you will be fine" I am large, always been large and somewhat out of place. I grew up in El Paso with midgets and I'm 5'9" so to me "strong" and "large" go hand in hand, so stop telling me I'm large, I already know that!!! I own mirrors!!! Haven't I suffered enough in my lifetime being the El Paso Gigantic Girl?

"Stay positive" You stay positive when you arrive on the worst train wreck ever!

"Do it for your kids" What the heck, carrying them around for 9 months watching my body go into shapes I didn't know was possible and now when I had a terrible disease they get to own that too, parenting is so demanding!!!

"Rest" Did I mention I have two teenage boys????

"Don't let your mind go there" Hummmmm, so I'll think about my scrapbooking instead, go jump in a lake (with alligators).

"Everything will be fine" Did you get a memo from God that I didn't get?

IF you have happened to say these things to me, don't take this personally, I am just venting and it's not a vent towards anyone particular, basically just the Universe!!!!

Tough Day

I am officially starting to freak out. I was so proud of myself, I haven't had a xanax in weeks, and today I actually walked up stairs and got them out again, put one in my palm, and then put it in my pill case in my purse. I felt better once I knew it was there. Still in the pill case, but it has been a hard day.

Let me back up. A few weeks ago at my "chemo class" I got a stack of papers to "read" at my leisure. I did not read them until this morning. They were full of all the fun I'm about to have and let me just say I freaked out. It's hard to freak out when your alone, it doesn't last long. I'm a talked (or typer) and I like to talk it out, that makes me feel better. Couldn't do that, I was alone. It was also an early release day and I had to have my emotions together by 11:30am so I really couldn't just fall off the deep end like I wanted too.

Then I spent an hour organizing all the medication I have to take and the days and the amounts and holy SHIT it's way too much to think about in one sitting.

I picked up Nick (youngest) and we had a fabulous sushi lunch and lots of smiles. Then it was time to come home and get ready for the rest of the day.

My oldest son plays on the high school football team and one of the kids who plays, his Mom died in her sleep on Saturday night after the game. Poof and she was gone. It's a terribly sad story and it made me so sad. Tonight the entire team went to the funeral and some of the Mom's waiting on the boys went out to eat. I couldn't go to the funeral, I couldn't handle it.

I never took the xanax because my sweet friends raised my mood to a much higher level. I think reading all those papers and having a Mom just die was a little much for me today. I'm getting scared and my stomach is starting to hurt, but tomorrow I'll get up and go on about life and it just means I'm one day closer to starting the chemo but the most important thing is I'm one day closer to ending the chemo.

PET Scan

No seeing the sun this morning, I am already at the Dr's office waiting for the PET scan. I did take a valium on the way here (I hate MRI type of tests, stems back to the days that my dura exploded and I had a test a day for 10 days) so to say I'm loaded right now would be an absolutely correct statement. I will have to say, I enjoy a good buzz and a relaxing glass of wine, but at 6:50am I am feeling like this valium trip is a little much for me.

So, they called me in right after that. They gave me a shot what a surprise and then they gave me a bunch of more dye to run through my body. The reason I couldn't have caffeine or sugar before the test was apparently they shoot me full of a type of glucose and then the glucose goes straight for the cancer if there is any and hangs out there. There is a much more medical way to explain that but hey I'm not blogging with Dr's!

Once you have the dye you must sit as always and wait for the dye to get around your body. They put you in a nice comfy chair and put warm blankets on you. Between that and the valium I was out. Slept for about an hour (even with my sweet phone call J :)) and then they woke me up, moved me to a new room and put me on the table. The PET scan isn't nearly as annoying as the MRI, no beeping or anything. I laid there for 21 minutes and whala, I was done! Results should be at the dr's by tomorrow. At this point I don't really care, I really mean it.

I was telling my mother in law that it doesn't really matter for me. Unless they called me and said "no chemo" then it doesn't really change anything. IF there is more cancer, it just means more surgery and more chemo, can't say that really changes how I feel at this point. I am sure it would make me anxious and prolong everything but as Tony says "whata ya gonna do?"

So Beautiful

I sit on my front porch, coffee in hand, with the temperature a pleasant 69* (that always gets a smile) and watching the sun peep out from the clouds over the beach. The sun beams are coming out of the clouds reflecting on the water. It's a magnificent site, reminds you that the Lord is always with you to guide you and watch over you. I can't wait to take Buddy for a walk and get the morning started.

It's even ok that I have to go to the doctor this morning. I just have to go for this freckle on my palm. I know it's not "right" to have a freckle on the inside of your palm, the surgeon saw it on my last surgery and noted it. She had me tell the oncologist immediately (last week) and the nurse called me back to tell me I was not at risk for "afjdaialajtoergajog" (I don't know what the word was, it was a really long medical word that I didn't write down or (gasp) look up). I was glad to know that I am not at risk for something! I knew about the freckle a Dr. spotted it five years ago and I've had it looked at several times. All they ever do is "monitor" it. I did NOT tell the surgeon that I have a new freckle forming on the left palm, I figured I'd tell the Dr today.

Here was my thinking I'm getting a killer chemo, right, so I figure any other possible cancer hanging out in my body would be taken care of, you know like in the mob all the rats are "taken out". But apparently my lack of attending medical school is showing up at this point and IF my freckles are indeed some sort of skin cancer, then the protocol must change.

I'm probably in complete denial, but I think it's just a freckle. Even though you "can't" get freckles on the inside of you palms, I still think it's just a freckle. In the mid 80's tanning beds were a fad (of course, before all the knowledge of how horrible the tanning beds are for you) and I participated in that fad and I left my palms down on the tanning bed thus exposing them to ultraviolet vicious rays that have (in my opinion) caused a freckle.

We'll see if I'm even close! Today will be a better day, I can just feel it!!

Added 10/20 at 6:19 pm

Good news, it's just a few freckles!!!!!!!!!!

Week of Doctors

Today kicked off four appointments week,today was a bone density test and my visit to the Image Recovery Center. It is very nice that they even have an Image Recovery Center, but WOW, it really sinks in when you walk in there. I know that it must seem so redundant to readers that I say sometimes that things happen and the idea I have cancer "sets in" but it's true, because 24 hrs a day 7 days a week, I don't remember I have cancer. And what is even more frustrating is that each blow is as severe in nature, they don't ease in pain (emotional pain) as the previous one.

Sigh........

That's how I feel today on this Monday the seven days before chemo starts............sigh :(

Needing People

I was offered a dinner this morning and my first thought was "oh no, I don't want people to do that for me". Then I wondered why I thought that, is it because I don't want to admit I might need some help or is it because I don't want people to feel sorry for me or is it because I don't want to put people out.

I vote for all three. I don't know why, but part of this whole cancer fiasco is that I want help and need help and love help and then ECT says no help do it yourself. I wonder why..........but don't want to wonder too long because I can't do cancer and a complete personal dissection the same year. I have lots of personality flaws, but my friends/family seem to just love me for who I am and they seem to want to help.

I am just wondering why I am having such a personal struggle with this.......any thoughts.....??

Guess Where I Am??

My home away from home, the hospital. Here for the post port check up. I must have strained it yesterday at some point because my sealant has a blood drop in it. They put a super glue like substance on the incision and I can see through it, it's interesting. I had a dream I ripped it out (but the blood was way before that, I didn't touch it in my sleep!)

I'm in the CCU waiting room and everyone is crying, it's making me sad. Makes me want to have the crazy people back, at least they don't make me sad.

Tomorrow I'm excited because I have an appointment to go to the beach and walk and swim (up to my waist) and have breakfast with my friends, I'm so excited and I miss walking on the beach every day. I walked on Tuesday, but that's not much for this week and next week isn't looking good either. Of course, it's so blooming hot here I am thinking it may be a blessing in disguise. Supposedly on Sunday it will "cool down"

Today I feel ok, not overwhelmed or irritated, I think that this will all work out. I understand that realistically it's going to happen whether or not I am ok with everything, I just think it's easier to do if you're more on the "ok" side. I think this entire thing sucks but I get it, I get that I have to do this and that there will be good days and bad days (funny how that mimics life a bit) and that this new full time job is a temp job and will go back to normal soon. I'm trying really hard to just swallow hard and smile and do it. The nurse told me yesterday that 99% of chemo is my mind set (disregard that they are pumping me full of multiple chemicals-the outcome is all in my mind) so I've decided the side effects I can handle and the side effects I can't, I passed that along to the dear Lord and I even told the universe, so I've done my job it's time to just sit and see what happens.

These poor sad people, I hope their day improves!

Too Much Information

Way to much information for my little brain. Thank goodness I had read and had some pre-knowledge. I have so many thoughts floating around my head it's hard to put them in one place. I guess the best news is I have a start date for sure, October 27, 2009 and a potential stop date of February 9, 2009, then radiation begins. In my hand I am actually holding my rx (prescription) for a hair prosthesis, which I am guessing is a medical term for "wig."

That's a little bit funny to me, a prosthesis. I usually don't associate a bunch of synthetic hair all sewn to a form fitting cap a prosthesis, but I understand COMPLETELY why it's called that, of course it's a prosthesis. Along those lines, acrylic nails would be .............nail prosthesis.....hahaha......they may fall off I wonder if I need a rx for that too!

Today's three appointments were 1) genetics counselor 2) chemo class 3) breast surgeon. I'm 2/3 of the way done at this exact moment in time. I felt good about the genetics testing and even better that my insurance company has approved the testing. I want to know if I have the gene I think that will be helpful to my family and extended family. She told me that 10 years down the road if I carry the gene and a child of mine carried the gene, they could do egg selection to a non carrying gene. If I can do that for my kids I'm all for it. I guess they feel like it's a double edged sword. If you carry the gene realistically you are looking at some more possible surgeries. If you don't then she said that people get mad that they don't know why they had cancer. I don't know, I don't think (today) that I will feel this way at all. It's a simple blood test and they will take it right before my first chemo (10/27).

The second appointment was the chemo class. Let me tell you, talk about a fun class and educational, get a lot for your money...........:) It was helpful and they sure laid out everything for you. We went over the pre, during, and post items that will make chemo a breeze.

(Since the port was supposed to be a breeze and it was NOT even close to a breeze-still isn't-I am thinking I am a little leery of this "breeze" word. Don't get me wrong, I'm not going negative attitude on you, I'm just hedging my bets and let me be pleasantly surprised if it is a "breeze")

I had five rx's to fill when I was done and several OTC products to get. I really love the nurse practitioner, (she's a survivor) quite liberal and funny. She said she doesn't have time for pity parties, I made a mental note not to invite her to mine.

Since some of the followers on this blog are actual cancer patients, I will be more specific with details, those of you who aren't interested, skip down a few paragraphs. I got a lidocane cream for the skin for the needle that goes through the skin ( awesome more port fun) to help not make it hurt. I have medications for my stomach-Emend, Decadron, Nexium and copamzine (to prevent vomiting) and I already told you about the rx for the wig. Then the otc products include vitamin B-6, LGlutimine and claritin. Isn't that funny, they have found that when they give me the booster shot (neutropenia) after the chemo that there is bone pain, but the claritin helps to block the pain better than pain medication without inhibiting the chemo. (Need a complain moment-this port is just driving me crazy, it is hurt hurting right now) so I get to clear up my allergies (that I left in Dallas 4 years ago) and have less pain.

Miss No Pity Party did allow me one pajama day, she said usually day 3-4 would be that day and I could hang out that day but that day only! She said to get my butt up and walk around, the more I walk the better things move around.

Highlight, I can eat whatever I want :) of course for the first time in my life I have little appetite.

I am now waiting for my follow up with the breast surgeon. I was supposed to come tomorrow but she had a family emergency, so they moved me to today.

Then Monday I have a bone density test and an appointment at the Image Recovery Center. That's where I fill the rx for the hair prosthesis and they have massages and acupuncture and everything one could possibly need for breast cancer. I am so glad to have found the one stop shopping.

This was a bummer to me, no more cruise massages, or couples massages, no more massages unless they are trained in the lymph node missing massage technique. I can give myself lymphadenopathy (if that is the correct word I am not 100% sure) have a huge arm for the rest of my life. Ok, I admit, not really a choice there, but it made me sad, I really love massages. I guess I'll have facials from now on instead. Although I haven't had many massages since the dura drama a few years ago.

I'm a little nervous, remember the nurse who let me have it regarding using my arm and having swelling, etc. Well, last week they canceled my appointment for the lovely port insertion and it had already been 2 1/2 weeks, so (shhhhh) I took out the stitches myself. I'm anticipating a lecture again. Since that was my Dad's preferred parenting technique, I really don't care for lectures, and I'm getting a little nervous.

I had some really funny stories and for the life of me I can't remember any of them right now. I guess my brain is taking a break after such an intensive morning.

I got called and I did receive quite the lecture about removing the stitches myself. She also spotted a freckle on my palm during surgery. I have been monitoring it for several years now and I have another one forming on my left palm, so she wanted me to let the oncologist know and she wanted me to have a dermatologist check it out. Before you think "that's not good" I already know that, they have been watching it. I looked good when I had the tan from the tanning bed, I am guessing that will come back to haunt me.

I guess I need to go be a Mom, and stop being a patient, so I'm off for the night.

New Job

I have a new job, it's a full time job, something I haven't done in 15 years!! It's cancer and it is a really demanding job! When I have an extra five minutes I'll sit down and tell you about it!

I have so much to catch up on, I feel much better although this port thing still hurts. I have been to many appointments that have some very funny memories associated with them. I can't wait to share them all.

Tomorrow I have three appointments, so maybe I'll take my lap top and in my downtime try and catch you all up! Probably be more around end of the week. I miss blogging, I miss not having a job, I miss my body having no alien objects in it!

BUT my spirit is good and tentatively my first chemo date is set for 10/27. I'll find out tomorrow if that is still the plan.

Port Posting

Here's what I know about my port installation, it HURTS! I can't even believe how much more it hurts that the three surgeries did, WOW! Not to scare anyone, because I think this is rare, all my other port buddies said it was easy. Just me and that luck I have, and I had a reaction to something. I woke up this morning (well that's a loosely used term since I don't think I slept over 45 min. last night) and was itching head to toe and inside as well. Of course, the hospital said if it was them, then it would have happened earlier, so it wasn't them. But it was something that's for sure. I went online and looked up that this had happened to several other people and they said it subsided after a few days. I am all benadryled up now, feeling less itchy. Now I've done forbidden in writing, told you the end of the story first!

Got to the hospital promptly at 6:30am and did all the usual pay, etc. Then headed to the waiting room. Sigh, I don't like waiting rooms. There were two women from New York in there (mind you it's 6:43 am and no coffee-no anything) incessantly talking and talking so loud they were drowning out the tv that was on for the deaf above my head. One woman was talking about her husband and how she wished he'd "hurry the hell back to Iraq" because he was hogging the bed at night. OMG, what a horrible wife, who would say that, I would be thrilled to have my husband in the states and not at war. She was also discussing (with her best friend) the fact that she had been in a wreck and no pain medication worked for her. Now this is just my guess, but maybe the husband takes it to sleep with her :). So she asked another man in the waiting room, I'm guessing he was in his late 50's early 60's if he took any pain medication that worked. He said yes and I quote "try weed." I almost feel out of the chair trying not to laugh. This waiting room was about as big as a lavatory in a plane, it was jammed packed, no seats. I had just gotten the new Dan Brown book and read the same page four times when they got up because "shit, I'm not going to sit here all morning waiting on him (bad sleeper, war fighter) husband, I'm going to get some McDonalds" (there's one in the hospital) and believe me, McDonald's would not do her any favors, none the less I was glad they left. I should write a book on just people in waiting rooms.

Then I went back to the preop and I had 1) my THIRD pregnancy test in 4 weeks (I have my tubes tied) and 2) weight (yay still going down) and 3) lovely gown and awesomely cool RED socks (never had red before). I had (another) physical with some random Dr. I've never seen before and the nurse practitioner went over the paper work for the 1000th time. It amazes me how many times I fill out the same paperwork and they claim to be going green. I did not know this, but if any of you are ever with me and I need my blood pressure or an iv NEVER can I do it in my right arm, found that out. It's because I have some missing lymph nodes and it's dangerous.

From there, they wheel me into the OR and they begin me on this fun juice, but I never go to sleep. It was a little funny to me, to be awake for the entire thing. I think I prefer asleep, not because it was painful or anything, but because it was awkward. By awkward I mean things like they covered my face so I couldn't see anything. I couldn't feel anything (they numbed it and the iv had something in it) but I could feel fluids rolling down my neck, strange. Then I was bright eyed and bushy tailed when it was over, they send me home a little early. Didn't get to go to the breast surgeon appointment, they just canceled it, I go next week. I think I have six doctors appointments next week.

We get home and I can't hit the vicodin fast enough, but they didn't give me more, I had it left over from last time. I'm thinking that is crazy, this seriously hurts so much worse than the surgeries. I have a hard time talking on the phone, anything that holds my a certain way for so long. I feel like I've been in a car accident. Just sore. AND I've figured out I don't sleep after any kind of anesthesia. No sleep last night, so no nothing for me today. No homecoming game or swimming party, just resting. I'm doing ok with the resting because, have I mentioned, it HURTS????

Port Installation

Tomorrow is my port installation. I'm not nervous about the surgery, kinda have it down pat, third times the charm (by this I mean its my third time in the hospital for a surgery within 6 weeks).

I finally figured out what's wrong. It's one more confirmation that this is actually going to happen, I'm really going to have chemotherapy. I keep thinking I will get a call that says, "hey, you aren't really going to have to have chemo" and every step I take takes me further from the fantasy.

But, the good news is that both boys acknowledged me at the high school football game and skit night (it's Homecoming week) and both boys said they would pray for me tomorrow. Whitney was sweet to me and brought me a blow pop to the game (LOVE them!) He's been so patient and sweet to me, he's such a great guy, and I think I'm pushing every button out there. I don't mean too, not intentional, just happens.

One of my friends (he's male) said something pretty funny, made me laugh and do a mental check. That's something I love about males in general, they make me laugh and they really dilute the drama that's going on in my head. He reminded me that cancer or no cancer my tendencies (how I was acting in previous blog) reflected females in general. THAT was so very funny to me, sure did relieve some pressure of being a cancer beeatch!!

Cancer Island

I am not really sure I should be a parent right now. When I get nervous about things, that's when ECT comes out and the last 24 hours she's been like a ghost on a mission running in and out at a moments notice. Actually I am not sure I should be involved in any relationships right now, I think cancer patients should be living on cancer island. As soon as they are diagnosed, they should board a plane and head to cancer island. They would have all the medical facilities available and all the comforts of home. Kind of like a get-a-way weekend, perfect scenery, weather, five star accommodations and all the employees paid to put up with you. They would be encouraging and your support system. That isn't to say that my current support system isn't AWESOME and I LOVE everyone. It's to say that I am just a bad friend/relative/parent/wife right now. I am like a pendulum of emotions. I'm irrational, mean, sobby, short, and think (currently) the world revolves around me and I'm the only one going through anything. Isn't that just awful and you know what the worst is, I can't make it STOP. I know I'm being bad, I know I'm unreasonable and moody and should have my parent/friend/relative/wife card revoked right now.

It's a hard balance, I want everyone to know and support me, but I don't want any sympathy. How does that work exactly? My friends/family are doing a good job of it, I don't want any of you to think you aren't doing a great job, you really are, I just am being a difficult person these days.

I wonder if next to the wig store they have a surrogate Donita program available.

New Friends

While I wouldn't recommend cancer being the way to find new friends, it has turned out to make me some new friends. Not only in Florida, but Texas and California and England! Today I had lunch with two news friends. On the scale of new, one is new as of July and one is new as of a couple of weeks ago. You know what made us friends, it's that terrible horrible very rotten no good CANCER that made us friends. That is cool I think.

We were talking at lunch about our life having been CANCER lately, having lost our way, or as another friend told me last week at lunch "it's like a new full time job." Absolutely that is true, one of the more wrestling things about cancer.

You have to face the fact that you have cancer and you have to do the things that get rid of the cancer, but you also have to go on about life. That's hard and there is an adjustment period. I think everybody gets it and is respectful of it, but then the people who don't have it have expectations of how (again, this is similar to the "be positive" comments) a cancer patient should act and how their minds should respond to situations. It's like asking a lawyer not to argue or a Dr. not to heal, a cancer patient is going to think about their cancer anytime their brain has an uncommitted moment. So, let us!!!

You can't escape cancer if you try now, I mean it's everywhere. TV shows, football stadiums, runs, malls, magazines, classrooms, the media is incredibly effective at relaying how much support the world has for cancer, and being a cancer patient, this is a wonderful feeling to know that even the NFL players support your cause.

And the other side of that is, cancer is everywhere, it's tough to escape. It is very popular, I sure wish this was one time I wasn't in the "in" group!

I do feel especially close to my cancer friends, and I hope that they are friendships that last a lifetime!! I get my port on Thursday, saw a port today, it did not have the three heads I expected it to have..........:)

Love Fridays

Even if I don't feel great, I still love Fridays, they are so the day of "hope."

Walked this morning and had a great lunch with a sweet friend, now my stomach is killing me. I guess I will just have to get used to my insides being a little out of sorts! Headed to the football game, that is always fun, a mini Hollywood reunion and neighborhood catch up oh yeah and FOOTBALL!!!

I'm mentally better today, have you ever been accused of something you didn't do, but took the blame and shouldered the punishment anyway? It's an angry out of control what do I do now feeling, harbors resentment and the desire to really tell off the accuser.................but you accept it and try to make the best of it and go on with life (a little leary of the accuser). Actually, that happened to me not too long ago, really with a person(s). I was accused of something I absolutely hands down did NOT do. Now when I see that person(s) I get really irritated on the inside, I want to say, "hey buttbreath, I didn't do what you threw a complete and total fit about" but instead I just smile my Garfield smile. Not sure why, probably because I have good manners and some people have their mind made up before you even speak, so why bother, and some people are just mean and then there are some that are just crazy.

Why that whole story? (Besides the fact that I am clearly still very irritated of being wrongly accused) but I really wanted to point out that if that has ever happened to you, then, it's like you had breast cancer, and are walking the pink path with me.

First Visit with the Oncologist

Today we went and met the oncologist that I was able to get into the next day. :)

She was wonderful, actually her entire staff was wonderful and I even met Sourpuss and she was very kind and sweet. Didn't hold a grudge at all, so that was nice.

We got there and about the time we got the laptops all set up and ready to go, they called us back. Did the regular stuff, get weighed, take blood pressure, temperature, wait for the Dr. She was actually in there really quickly and stayed for the next 1 1/2 hrs.

We went through the different offices that are housed in the breast center building, went over all of the different trials being offered. Then we got into the nitty gritty and discussed the different options available to me. My option is a TAC. Those are the initials of the drugs they will use. Then I will have six injections through a port in my skin and then the injections will be every three weeks. After each chemo I go the next day for a white cell booster. She said my hair will fall out almost immediately and they will monitor my feet and hands for tingling. That's really all she talked about today as far as side effects.

I have a "chemo" appointment where Whitney and I go and they go through all the side effects and eating regimen to prepare for when the chemo starts. During the visit I felt fine, understood everything and loved the fateful choice of Dr. Oncologist. I was fine the entire time, even when they took 27 viles of blood. Ok, maybe it was really six, but it felt like 27!!

And then I got home, and my heart just fell. I think I thought it was possible I could skip the chemo, that today there was a slight chance that I would get there and the Dr. would say, "we found out last night that your kind of cancer doesn't need chemo anymore and that you are the freaky .001%" but it didn't happen, those words didn't come out of her mouth. I heard all the words that came out, and they were big long complicated words with tails, tails like "this might happen or it might not happen" and those words made my stomach knot up in a big ball and stay that way.

I smile sometimes, but I'm really not ok, I am not always sure I can do this walk. I want to trade in my pink path shoes and go back to my white tennis shoes that I've always worn. I want it to go back the way it was before I found the pink path. But I know that won't happen and I know it's my turn to put on the pink shoes and walk the path that has been laid before me, but I don't want to. I will do whatever it takes to be in this world a very long time and I will do it with a strong badge of courage, and God, my family and my dear friends by my side. But since it's something I don't want to do, I imagine ECT will be popping up more often than not!!