School starts Tuesday for my kids and one of my babies is a SENIOR how the HELL did that happen? I remember picking out their outfits for MDO and for kindergarten and now I turn around and he's a SENIOR....how am I going to make it through this year?
I am going to be semi-retired soon and that just makes me sad. It will be a forced retirement for sure. Do you think they will let me be an RA at FSU? I would be really good at it.
We usually have one of our "family end of summer days" but the jelly fish weren't playing and Will has his own life now. Sad face-happy face, very confused face. I am so proud of William. He is a dream of a child (both of them are) he has good grades, he is a safe driver, he has a great disposition and a wonderful girlfriend. There is nothing more dreamy than new young love, it's so sweet to watch. It's natural, he needs to be with friends and his girl, not his parents, but no one told me that this would happen SO FAST. I am so proud to be both of their mother, I think I've done a good job thus far and hope it continues.
I try really hard not to be sad and to think about all the wonderful things he has ahead of him his senior year. Just the beginning of all that fun, then college, then life, it all comes so fast.
Heads up, I bet I blog about this a lot, it is a cheaper than therapy!
I can do this, I can get through this senior year and this time next year I can take him to school and I can leave him at college, right??
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Friday, August 19, 2011
Happy Day!!
I've been stuck at a plateau that was a HUGE plateau for about two weeks now but today I BROKE IT!!!! I'm so excited!!!! YAY ME!!!! AND now I have another problem, hardly anything in my closet fits. I know, tough problem, but it's frustrating. You work hard and you want to show off that work. When your clothes are hanging on you, people only notice that your clothes are hanging. I still have another 24 lbs to lose and I'm sure those will be challenging, but after those cross fit workouts, I'm UP for it!!
I actually know what it's like to be an offensive lineman now. I did prowlers and sleds today OUTSIDE in the 3000* and 4000% humidity and I am SO GRATEFUL I did because I finally broke through. Of course, breaking through on a Friday isn't always the best.....have to be really good this weekend.
I can honestly say, I haven't felt this good in SOOOOOO long. I'm not even sore.
One more pretty exciting accomplishment: I can put my hair in a PONYTAIL with no pins or anything and it all stays (better if it's dirty) but I can do it again!!!!
Such a happy day!
xxoo
I actually know what it's like to be an offensive lineman now. I did prowlers and sleds today OUTSIDE in the 3000* and 4000% humidity and I am SO GRATEFUL I did because I finally broke through. Of course, breaking through on a Friday isn't always the best.....have to be really good this weekend.
I can honestly say, I haven't felt this good in SOOOOOO long. I'm not even sore.
One more pretty exciting accomplishment: I can put my hair in a PONYTAIL with no pins or anything and it all stays (better if it's dirty) but I can do it again!!!!
Such a happy day!
xxoo
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Just sitting here
I am sitting on my front porch doing nothing, absolutely nothing. I know, lazy right?? The ocean breeze is in full swing and the wind as a cool touch to it, it's so nice. No bugs, huge draw. I'd like to tell you I've been solving world problems, not the case, literally nothing. I think it's because I'm so freaking worn out, even if I wanted to move, not going to happen.
Why you ask?? Remember yesterday I mentioned a trainer. I am actually in a class, a cross fix class with my favorite trainer in the world, Shondelle. This week was my first week with all five days, I've been doing three days and I have only been back about five weeks. HUGE difference between my rehabilitation gym and this gym. BUT, it makes a world of difference. Every morning I willingly get up and get my ass kicked my Shondelle and then I get up and do it again the next day. My body is cumulatively hurting, Monday it was just a little, Tuesday some more and Wednesday I'm just sitting. On Monday the pain wasn't until Tuesday morning, on Tuesday it started Tuesday night and today, it started when I left class. Man. Then I head over to yoga for an hour of stretching, that feels good.
I know I have to do this, EVERY single doctor I go to tells me that IF I WOULD JUST LOOSE WEIGHT ALL would be good. My dura would not produce as much extra fluid as it does because being fat makes you produce extra. My cholesterol would go down if I lost weight, one doctor spent 20 minutes telling me what a fool I was for not having a weight loss plan. WTF, really like I don't know I was fat? Yelling at me won't improve that, I don't respond to threats or belittling.
What really gets my goat is that I didn't just pork out and eat out and have dessert and just sit around reading my novels and having my bonbons. Nope, I barely ate at all, because I was still feeling the effects of chemo and radiation but my body was packing on those pounds. I know some people I saw last summer were like "holy crap-she's HUGE" but knew I was fighting enough to not say anything (to my face). I was embarrassed too because I wanted to celebrate being a survivor but I just looked like a glutton. AND let's face it, we all judge by appearance.
Just being bald told me that, people were SO NICE to me. I mean people who you know are complete assholes were nice (except one in particular). At first that sympathy made me mad, then I thought, "you know what-take it and enjoy it".
It's funny because when people see me, they literally do not know it's me. I could go streaking in Publix and no one would know it was me. My hair is so different, my body is different, my appearance is different, my attitude is different, and that has been a little bit fun, messing with people. If I don't feel like talking, I can just stand there and no one speaks to me. I could be a spy, maybe I'll do that, that would provide good writing material.
I feel like I have this weird menopause crystal ball, remember I went through chemically induced menopause. I was so excited that I would be "ahead" of the curve on that and be done with menopause. Silly me, of course I am not done, I get to do it again!! At this point, I could get pregnant again, my numbers are all back to normal. So typical for me, I do everything twice. Except marriage, I seem to have gotten that right the first time. I do know exactly what will happen though, so I guess that's better.......sort of.
Highlight of the day: had to get some new exercise shirts 1) they were on sale!! 2) guess what size, not my usual 2xl, or xl, OR L , BUT A MEDUIM!!!!
Why you ask?? Remember yesterday I mentioned a trainer. I am actually in a class, a cross fix class with my favorite trainer in the world, Shondelle. This week was my first week with all five days, I've been doing three days and I have only been back about five weeks. HUGE difference between my rehabilitation gym and this gym. BUT, it makes a world of difference. Every morning I willingly get up and get my ass kicked my Shondelle and then I get up and do it again the next day. My body is cumulatively hurting, Monday it was just a little, Tuesday some more and Wednesday I'm just sitting. On Monday the pain wasn't until Tuesday morning, on Tuesday it started Tuesday night and today, it started when I left class. Man. Then I head over to yoga for an hour of stretching, that feels good.
I know I have to do this, EVERY single doctor I go to tells me that IF I WOULD JUST LOOSE WEIGHT ALL would be good. My dura would not produce as much extra fluid as it does because being fat makes you produce extra. My cholesterol would go down if I lost weight, one doctor spent 20 minutes telling me what a fool I was for not having a weight loss plan. WTF, really like I don't know I was fat? Yelling at me won't improve that, I don't respond to threats or belittling.
What really gets my goat is that I didn't just pork out and eat out and have dessert and just sit around reading my novels and having my bonbons. Nope, I barely ate at all, because I was still feeling the effects of chemo and radiation but my body was packing on those pounds. I know some people I saw last summer were like "holy crap-she's HUGE" but knew I was fighting enough to not say anything (to my face). I was embarrassed too because I wanted to celebrate being a survivor but I just looked like a glutton. AND let's face it, we all judge by appearance.
Just being bald told me that, people were SO NICE to me. I mean people who you know are complete assholes were nice (except one in particular). At first that sympathy made me mad, then I thought, "you know what-take it and enjoy it".
It's funny because when people see me, they literally do not know it's me. I could go streaking in Publix and no one would know it was me. My hair is so different, my body is different, my appearance is different, my attitude is different, and that has been a little bit fun, messing with people. If I don't feel like talking, I can just stand there and no one speaks to me. I could be a spy, maybe I'll do that, that would provide good writing material.
I feel like I have this weird menopause crystal ball, remember I went through chemically induced menopause. I was so excited that I would be "ahead" of the curve on that and be done with menopause. Silly me, of course I am not done, I get to do it again!! At this point, I could get pregnant again, my numbers are all back to normal. So typical for me, I do everything twice. Except marriage, I seem to have gotten that right the first time. I do know exactly what will happen though, so I guess that's better.......sort of.
Highlight of the day: had to get some new exercise shirts 1) they were on sale!! 2) guess what size, not my usual 2xl, or xl, OR L , BUT A MEDUIM!!!!
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
I can't believe it's been three months
Wow, three months since I wrote on my blog. So, hello, greetings, I'm a breast cancer survivor. It's one of my new titles, and I LOVE it. I love that I can say survivor and I love that I had breast cancer. What, no, the chemo did NOT fry my brain. Albeit, I would not have chosen breast cancer as my way of getting back to ME and who ME is, but since that's the way the good Lord intended for it to be, I accept that with open arms.
I have so much to share. My first big news, is I've lost 37 lbs!!! YAY me!!! It's not enough to just have breast cancer, but it has some awesome side effects aside from baldness, puking, menopause, blood work, MRI's, PET scans, you name it, one of my side effects was a massive weight gain. I know that I am not a doctor and I can't prove this, but I think my body was holding on to everything and anything that it could and it had to go through several cell "cycles" (if you will) to know that I was not bringing back that chemo. Once it "let go" the weight literally fell off. That and I work out with a trainer and a nutritionist plans my meals. BUT before all of that, I lost 15 lbs just thinking about hiring those awesome people!!
So I have all my skinny clothes OUT of storage and in my closet, again, yay me. I'm more than half way done, I hope to be down to high school weight when I'm done. I looked good then. I also have the most beautiful hair. It is a very pretty curly color, makes my eyes pop and my eye lashes are ridiculously long, love it!!!
But by FAR, the best thing that has happened to me is that I am alive!! I mean that both literally and figuratively. My heart beats every day and I am so grateful for those beats. My heart also beats to my drummer, the drummer I lost a while back. The drummer that allowed me to be walked over and taken advantage of, but no more. I joke with the boys that cancer gave me a pair. They, of course, don't find it nearly as funny as I do!!
I still have some naysayers in my crowd, but I've done my best to weed them out. I don't have time for people who don't want me to be me. Gone are the days of me being someone else just to make people happy. Good side effect of cancer.
It's interesting, the people who say "are you using your cancer card" really, yes I AM. I will still never forget, one of my friends (who is no longer a friend) said to me when I was first diagnosed, "I don't want you pulling that damn cancer card all the time." Ok, so if you're a diabetic, does that mean you don't get to pull you card or if you're a paraplegic should you just start walking and waving your arms. No, you shouldn't and isn't it horrible that I even said that, didn't you cringe a little bit? Well, you can see why we aren't friends anymore. I can damn well use my "cancer card" for the rest of my life if I want to, so there. But I don't need it anymore. I picked myself up, brushed myself off, and got right back on that horse. I'm so proud of myself. They say bloggers are ego manics, I don't know about that, but I am tooting my own horn right now!!
Life truly is wonderful and I really have my dear family and friends to thank for that. I made some new friends that I would not have if I didn't have cancer. Sadly, I've lost some friends to cancer as well, the ying and yang of life. I miss them.
I realize I'm not out of the woods yet, I still have 3 1/2 years to be considered for that title. But I feel positive about things. I met a girl on Friday night who's just started this journey and my heart goes out to her. Not because I don't think she's going to be ok (I think she IS going to be ok) but because I know what's ahead of her and it's not easy. It's hard keeping your spirits up. I realized that in my situation, I was keeping my spirits up for everyone else, not myself.
Every night I say a little prayer for all those who lost their battle and all those going through their battle, because Lord knows they need support and not judgement. They need every positive vibration from the Universe, they need all those prayers and most of all, they need to believe in themselves.
I want to be a writer. I don't think I suck at it, I know I have a long way to go to improve. I've been told "it's hard, too many blogs, no one publishes" etc, but I feel it in my bones. I sure have lots to write about, so I think I'll pick this up again.
Don't know that I will restrict it to just cancer, since I live with two teenage boys and some pretty funny local characters that provide so much writing material, even have that scary element ( remember Ghost-STILL around). As always, reading is optional!!!
xxoo
I have so much to share. My first big news, is I've lost 37 lbs!!! YAY me!!! It's not enough to just have breast cancer, but it has some awesome side effects aside from baldness, puking, menopause, blood work, MRI's, PET scans, you name it, one of my side effects was a massive weight gain. I know that I am not a doctor and I can't prove this, but I think my body was holding on to everything and anything that it could and it had to go through several cell "cycles" (if you will) to know that I was not bringing back that chemo. Once it "let go" the weight literally fell off. That and I work out with a trainer and a nutritionist plans my meals. BUT before all of that, I lost 15 lbs just thinking about hiring those awesome people!!
So I have all my skinny clothes OUT of storage and in my closet, again, yay me. I'm more than half way done, I hope to be down to high school weight when I'm done. I looked good then. I also have the most beautiful hair. It is a very pretty curly color, makes my eyes pop and my eye lashes are ridiculously long, love it!!!
But by FAR, the best thing that has happened to me is that I am alive!! I mean that both literally and figuratively. My heart beats every day and I am so grateful for those beats. My heart also beats to my drummer, the drummer I lost a while back. The drummer that allowed me to be walked over and taken advantage of, but no more. I joke with the boys that cancer gave me a pair. They, of course, don't find it nearly as funny as I do!!
I still have some naysayers in my crowd, but I've done my best to weed them out. I don't have time for people who don't want me to be me. Gone are the days of me being someone else just to make people happy. Good side effect of cancer.
It's interesting, the people who say "are you using your cancer card" really, yes I AM. I will still never forget, one of my friends (who is no longer a friend) said to me when I was first diagnosed, "I don't want you pulling that damn cancer card all the time." Ok, so if you're a diabetic, does that mean you don't get to pull you card or if you're a paraplegic should you just start walking and waving your arms. No, you shouldn't and isn't it horrible that I even said that, didn't you cringe a little bit? Well, you can see why we aren't friends anymore. I can damn well use my "cancer card" for the rest of my life if I want to, so there. But I don't need it anymore. I picked myself up, brushed myself off, and got right back on that horse. I'm so proud of myself. They say bloggers are ego manics, I don't know about that, but I am tooting my own horn right now!!
Life truly is wonderful and I really have my dear family and friends to thank for that. I made some new friends that I would not have if I didn't have cancer. Sadly, I've lost some friends to cancer as well, the ying and yang of life. I miss them.
I realize I'm not out of the woods yet, I still have 3 1/2 years to be considered for that title. But I feel positive about things. I met a girl on Friday night who's just started this journey and my heart goes out to her. Not because I don't think she's going to be ok (I think she IS going to be ok) but because I know what's ahead of her and it's not easy. It's hard keeping your spirits up. I realized that in my situation, I was keeping my spirits up for everyone else, not myself.
Every night I say a little prayer for all those who lost their battle and all those going through their battle, because Lord knows they need support and not judgement. They need every positive vibration from the Universe, they need all those prayers and most of all, they need to believe in themselves.
I want to be a writer. I don't think I suck at it, I know I have a long way to go to improve. I've been told "it's hard, too many blogs, no one publishes" etc, but I feel it in my bones. I sure have lots to write about, so I think I'll pick this up again.
Don't know that I will restrict it to just cancer, since I live with two teenage boys and some pretty funny local characters that provide so much writing material, even have that scary element ( remember Ghost-STILL around). As always, reading is optional!!!
xxoo
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