Sad Day

I find her death a set back for me mentally. This is not to exclude the sympathies for her family or friends or the admiration for how gracefully she accepted and carried herself through her cancer journey, I just personally find it very sad. For me, it's like losing a team mate and that just makes you sad. She smiled until the very end, but I know the thoughts behind that smile, and that's what probably makes me the most sad.

I have a new blog, it's not strictly about cancer, email me if you want the info.

DonitaWheeler@aol.com

Just Me

I love it when things fall into place, no matter what it is you are happy that it's fallen in place, when it does all go together and questions are answered it's such a nice feeling. It's cold here today, that's actually what made me think of this post, it's cold because I'm wrapping Christmas presents and making chili and apple pie and the cool air is just the cherry on top! Like I said, it's WONDERFUL when things fall into place and it goes like it should!

Pink Path

I can't believe I haven't been on here in so long. It seems like yesterday I was doing the cancer journey and today I see it's been since July that I posted. I haven't been free of cancer thoughts since July, I guess I just took all of my energy over to the other blogs.

When I reflect on 2010, I have mixed emotions. I feel like I kicked ass and took names and then I feel like it was just a beating of a year. Strange, but I'm sure it's reflective of everyone's life. I'm not that special, everyone has some "drama" in their life. I guess it just depends on how you handle it.

I'm looking forward to 2011 and the joys it will bring. One thing for sure, just because I had a tough year in 2010 did not mean that my kids stopped growing or my life was on hold, and that was a HUGE plus. I love this part of life, I love where the kids are and their activities!!

Here's to a good 2011!!

July 4th

Today is July 4th, last year this same time we went to dinner with some dear friends and then watched the fireworks, talking about what my upcoming year would be like.

This year it's pouring down rain and it's all behind me. That is so strange, you think I would remember every detail, but I don't.....it's funny how your mind does that....forgets tough things. Not completely forgets but makes it so it's like a distant and far memory.

I'm glad I'm done, I feel like I handled it well and I feel like I was pretty strong, but it sucked and just because I don't talk about it all the time or remind people all the time doesn't mean I don't think about it quite a bit. I think it changed my personality a bit, I don't have time for the nonsense people dish out.

I've used cancer to grow personally and to grow strength to let people who need to be out of my life....out. There are just some people that drain me in such a negative way, it's time for them to go.

It's been such a strange July 4th, very rainy and we've had some really funny food today, sushi, egg casserole, pork loin, not the traditional hot dogs, watermelon and potato salad. Goes along with the year, the year of strange untraditional things. And that's ok, it's good to be different once in a while.

Still Having trouble with blog

I'm still having a very hard time getting on this blog, I think I'm changing blogspot, I'm currently blogging at tumblr.com under Fun with Donita...here's what I wrote on tumblr


This last year I battled (and won) breast cancer. But while I was getting rid of all of my cancer, I gained a few things (thank goodness it wasn’t any pounds..) I noticed that one thing I lost, in addition to my cancer, was some of my understanding of my friend foundations.


Friends are tricky, they can let you down and they can pick you up, but strictly by the definition of friend they are supposed to be on your side. I recently found out, that years of friendship doesn’t always mean that friends will be there for you. I'm hoping that it's maybe just a rough spot or maybe friends just grow out of each other.

Here's to some of my dear friends (you know if I'm speaking to you).....if you have to ask "is she talking about me....... then I'm not!"

I don't think it's any secret that I "run" everything by my friends, my thoughts my opinions, my predictions, my fears, because that is my favorite thing about friends. Maybe it's a bit self serving or selfish, but I will gladly do it for any friend of mine any time of the day or night. If you have the patience for my excessive chattiness (just when I'm in the mood) then I have the patience for anything you need from me. If I'm having trouble identifying that you are needing me at that exact moment in time, then tell me, for I can not read minds and I am usually selfishly focused on myself, or at least I have been through this entire cancer thing.

Maybe that's one of the biggest changes in me, I am thinking of myself instead of others and it's throwing everyone off a bit. For that I apologize, but I'm going to continue to be this way for a few more months if you're looking for a change, still give me some time because this cancer has really done a number on me and I'm still healing. If you can't handle that I have/had cancer, then just tell me and let's check back in with each other later down the road. I'm highly forgiving so I probably won't remember that you weren't there for me when I really needed you, one of my good qualities.

That last sentence sounds way more fierce than I mean it, I seriously mean if you can't handle what's going on with me, just tell me that and then I won't feel just ignored or forgotten, that is far worse than to just know you can't deal with it and we'll check back in later, honestly.

One Year Anniversary

I am very frustrated with this blog, this is the first time since last time that I've been able to blog......grrrr

On Tuesday it was my year anniversary of being diagnosed and "done" with cancer.  Although I get I'm not "done" with all the watches, etc.  I feel good, I'm strong and I'm working out and I'm getting there.  I'm not "there" yet, but I'm working on it pretty hard.

Cancer is like a fun house of mirrors.  You perception becomes crazy and what you know to be true changes, but thank goodness, just like the house of fun at the end you get to walk away and your life goes back to the carnival it was before you went into that house of mirrors..........at least for me it did.


I hope it's not weeks again before I can get on!!!  Thinking about changing where I blog............

Love To My Friends Who Lost Their Loved Ones

Wow, still very sore.  I think it's from the beach and the waves, probably knocks you around a little more than you expect.  Today yoga was good, grounded me and helped me stretch.  The machines get easier and easier too.  Still taking those minerals.  And I think my hair grew about 1/4 mm over the weekend :) I know one thing for sure, it is CURLY!

It's a sad week, my friend LJB lost her Grandmother this weekend, my friend CTT's father in law passed away-younger than my Dad :( , and a few weeks ago my friend EHW lost her Grandmother too.  I mailed three sympathy cards today and it just makes me sad because I've already lost my Grandmothers and my Dad, big sad face.  I want them all to know (you too TT) that I'm thinking of you and my prayers are with you through the entire grieving process.

Buried Treasure

I sit to write and I can't log on to my blog, it's been 20 minutes and I'm starting to forget what I'm writing about!!  I hope everyone had a great Memorial day weekend, we had a GREAT time!  We spent three out of four days at the beach, some with just family and then a day with friends and the day we didn't go to the beach we had "date day/night" and it was so much fun!!

Last week I was still feeling physically a little down, still feeling like I was dragging and I was talking to our roofer.  He spends a lot of time with us lately, so we were chatting about my not feeling that energetic.  He told me to go to whole foods and try "Buried Treasure" it is liquid minerals.  So we went to whole foods and got some buried treasure.  Hands down the worst stuff I have ever put into my mouth, but I think it actually helps.  The next morning I found myself thinking about it and when to have it.  

That is actually a huge statement for me, because I have to actually think about taking my pills every day, I mean really think about it.  

I've been working out every day again, and that seems to help too, when I'm not all sore from that!!!  I feel complainy, I don't like to feel that way either.

I just wanted to pass along the "buried treasure" because I had never thought of replacing my minerals, but it makes perfect sense, I'm pretty sure chemo really knocks everything out of your body!!!

I guess my life is pretty easy compared with those who are at war for our country right now, many prayers for our soldiers, active and retired, hope you all had a good Memorial Day!

Highlights.....

Wow, every time I try and blog I get kicked off and that just makes it TOUGH to write a lot!  I am thinking about having another blog too, on parenting.....enough said.

I'm still very good, happy, content, which is a strange feeling.  I feel like I was fired from a job, the cancer job.  Because having it was like a full time horrible job.  I am slowly getting back into the routine of things.  I work out everyday and man am I weak.  I forget that chemo really wears you out.

Wait forgot, like I have a reference to that!! Not really.  I watched my Dad go through cancer from 600 miles away, so I knew it wore you out, but had no idea how much it wears you out and how "lingering" the effects are...BUT I am doing so much better.

Enjoying lunching and walking and the beach and my crazy kids schedule and family and the list goes on and on.

However, I will be VERY glad when this stage of my curly hair goes away.  I have a Donita Fro right now, and I will concede that it's not the best look, but hey it's hair.  I'm playing with it since it looks like crap regardless of what I do with it.  Highlight........there are natural highlights.....:) that's fun!!

Good Morning

and I mean good morning.  Today is the first morning in a few weeks that I did not wake up with a knot in my stomach, it's such a nice feeling.  It's also a nice feeling that everyone who needs to know, now knows. Cancer is rough, it's such a roller coaster of emotions.....was chatting with a friend of mine the other day who has cancer (had) also and these scares are tough on us.  She's done the same thing, not tell everyone until she knows because WE'RE in charge of this, not anyone else!

It's like my damn hair (what will I write about when it's normal) it is curly and just sticks out everywhere.  Where it's not curly, it's straight like a boys crew cut, there a good mix.  Boy crew cut stick out and ringlet curls........wth......why does this always happen to me?  I mousse it and (of course) only the hair that behaves does what it is supposed to ( you know me, that % is about half....with ALL of my body....half is good and the other half says....go to hell).

Just like the tattoo, I only have half a tattoo now.  Did I pay for half a tattoo, no of course not, I paid for the entire tattoo but now a permanent fixture on my body only exists in half. It was $127 plus $20 tip and it is smaller than a dime with two colors.  I'm in no hurry to get it fixed because it hurt the first time and knowing me, it will hurt more the second time.  Or I'll have some special "toe disorder" that's never been heard of before and have very little documentation on it, so no wikepedia to check it on.....yup that's my life.

I bet I could give FML(website-if you don't know what it stands for..you don't need to know!!) a run for their money......:)

FINALLY

The Dr. just called, everything is FINE, there is a cyst but it is benign and it just needs to be watched and rechecked next year!

Wow, so long waiting, I'm so relieved, but still once bit twice shy..........

Thank you for all the prayers and emails and if I didn't tell you until right now, it's because I love you too much to mess up a trip or you've got things going on in your life

Breast MRI

Went this morning for the breast MRI on the left side.  I was good last night, didn't freak out or require any special medications....just hoping it's all ok.

Since I've been blogging via sending myself emails so people who don't know can enjoy what they are doing.....they have all been posted today.....but written along the way.  I will hit publish when I have the results......which I pray is by the end of the week!!

It wasn't too bad, just the usual feeling of claustrophobic and freaking out something is wrong again.

I did get a letter last week from the breast center saying they thought it was a benign cyst, please be right!!!

Got it Scheduled

They called and it's all final, they have me for May 17 and I have all of the appropriate numbers and fees needed to complete this task.  At this point I have told the people who are 1) in town 2) can handle it....so if I haven't told you and you are reading this for the first time...I'm sorry I was trying to be considerate of what was going on in your life.

Thank goodness my family is going to be around me this weekend, my Aunt and Uncle are coming and they are so fun and relaxing.

It's been two days and I haven't called the Dr. to follow up, why haven't I called the Dr., it's because I'm freaking out and I don't want to know the answer, at ALL.  But I think I will call today and see what's going on. I'm very scared and don't want this to be anything.....please.....dear God...are you listening?

Why...

My mammogram showed a spot on my left side that they believe is a cyst.  Finally when they called me in there, they took two hours to do my mammogram and ultrasound and then they called the Dr. in to tell me they can't located the spot on my ultrasound, but they can find it on the mammogram, so I need to either have a PET scan or another breast MRI.  I am to call my Dr. tomorrow.

Actually, the guy said, give me a few days and then call your oncologist.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME, a few days??

Waiting for Mammogram and Ultrasound

While sitting here on the waiting room my heart went out and entered a 5k and forgot to tell me....I'M FREAKING OUT I wish I was really rich I would buy more mammogram machines because sitting here waiting for a machine is rough. You think you've made progress you think you've moved forward but that isn't the case at all, I feel like this nightmare is starting all over again.

First Mammogram since the cancer.....

I'm sitting here waiting for my first mammo since all of this fun. I've had some procedures that they had to do for this and that. But sitting here is rough, and I just changed waiting rooms bc the gals were in there talking about their friend who just died from bc. Holy smokes I'm freaking out bad enough I can't sit and listen to that. Last might I had a panic attack,I was so disappointed with myself. This mammogram is on the left side ( cancer on right) and I thought it would be no big deal....WRONG....this is a huge deal. I am really freaking out, I can't do this again, I can't do chemo or anything again. I can't handle anything being wrong, what if it is, what will I do?

Sigh....

Sometimes you watch people you love go through things and wonder why....why are they going through this....they aren't a bad person, they aren't a law breaker, why is karma treating this way.  Is it possible it is just a facade, that the person isn't who they represent themselves to be?

I feel like I'm that person that just has to get repeatedly slapped in the face to "get it".  Most people take a slap and walk away with the information that represented that slap.  Not me, it takes me numerous times to "get it".  However, I am not willing to compromise what's inside my heart to "get it" faster.  I guess the end of this story is I will just be the repeatedly slapped person.

I currently have about five people in my life who are giving me the slapping treatment and I am slow.....but I'm getting it.  I am now wondering what's going on with these people.  Incidentally, these are people who I'm not allowed to "pull my cancer card" with (complete side note, I love it (sarcasm inserted here) when people who DON'T have cancer get to tell me the rules for those who actually possess a cancer card....anywho) them either.

I feel like I may have lost you, I am just frustrated with some current relationships in my life that seem to have a common theme and I'm trying to vent my frustrations without being specific.....another tough thing to do.

It's not only people who are giving me these issues, it's my body as well.  Radiation is slow in showing its damage because I felt just fine right after it, but my body doesn't seem to be agreeing lately and that has me off kilter.  You just want to feel better and you want to feel better fast, and my body is NOT cooperating.

It goes back to last post about only being sure about just that, you can't be sure about anything.  I have to say I hate leaving the land of blissful ignorance...it was so much easier....and this related to health, family and friends.......I'd like to change my name to Wendy and never grow up.

One thing for sure.....be careful what you wish for.....

So I know one thing for sure, that one thing is nothing is for sure!!  I have been so wacky crazy lately and every time I sit down to blog my darn blogging thing messes up and I end up very frustrated so I just walk away......but we've had visitors, wisdom teeth, birthdays, school projects, new jobs, sports, all sorts of crazy things that have kept me from blogging lately.

When describing myself, I would usually not use the words, petite, tiny, curly brown hair......but as cancer does with everything, it completely changes not only your emotional world, your physical world, but your stable world as well.  Things as you know it just vanish, like the cancer itself, taking your secure world with it.

I was just in Publix getting a birthday cake for my awesome husband (today's his birthday) and (I no longer make the Boston Creme Pie since all these delicious bakeries, I can't buy the ingredients that cheap and the homemade is only marginally better...they are pro's at the bakery) a man came up to me and said........

"You're hair is so cute".  Funny older man
"Thanks"  Donita
"Did you do it because it's so hot here?" Funny (maybe) older man
"Nope it's this way from chemo"  ECT
"OOOHHH, well Honey, let me tell you a thing or two....I know very few women who can pull of that hair and I stand by  my original comment, you're hair is cute!"  FUNNY older man

I really loved this man, he was quite genuine with his response, which made it even better.  It was funny timing because I had been into Sally's Beauty this morning getting Nick special swimming shampoo and I was seeing my hair in a mirror and thought, holy cow this needs some help.

So I talked to the lady and I got mouse for..........wait..................wait................here it is.............CURLY hair.  And my hair is curly very very very curly and brown (with blonde highlights).  Words I'd never use to describe myself....tiny, petite, curly brown hair........I see that secure world floating away....(however, I would actually place money on me never being petite or tiny :)_)

But, strangely enough, I like the curly brown (with blonde highlights) hair.  I've always wished for curly hair, and that very sentence brings forth another observation.


"Be careful what you wish for..."  and I did wish for curly hair all the time.  Now I have it, only took cancer to get it.  o_O

Probably be a while before I'm on again...I'm working on a story to tell you, but it's not quite done yet.  We have more company this week (LOVE my Aunt and Uncle and can't WAIT to see them) so it will have to be next week.

So my ending comment is:

Ignorance is bliss and be careful what you wish for.....

I'm Insane!!!

I had never really given much thought to what insane meant.  For 30ish years of my life I just thought it meant crazy.  I mean it made sense....

"she took coke"....that's crazy

"he hit another car"......that's crazy

"he married her"........that's crazy

"she tried to kill him".......that's really crazy

it makes sense, if you don't think about it too long (which is why you're labeling it crazy to begin with)  we label it  and mentally dismiss it.

SO when a friend told me at 35 that insane meant "doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result" that really blew my mind.  And I don't mean in a good way.  I was very happy in my naive "crazy" world not really understanding what it meant.  Now I had an actual definition and now I had some habits myself that landed in that "insane" category.

Take for example when I am having a rough time with something.  Whether that something is breaking my nail or having cancer, my mind and body always react the same way.  I must (I mean must) mentally go to the worst case scenario and play it through my entire mind, sometimes for days and sometimes with various "worst" scenarios.  Giving my nail as an example, when I see it's broken I immediately go to " is it going to be broken all the way down to my skin (worst case) or can I file it slightly "off" and save that side or will I cut it even with the break or can I just put some super glue on it.  So in a matter of seconds I have sized up the "worst case" down to the best case and then make a decision based on all of this information.  That doesn't mean I take a long time to make decisions or get results (once I reach the full disclosure stage) , it actually means quite the opposite, I've already sized up the worst so I move forward quickly.  I will say that 90% of my decisions are good ones and that means 10% are not.  Good enough for an A, so I'll stick with my patterns.  

During this time of information gathering and decision making, my body becomes a bit tense and I'm not hungry at all, and it takes me a while to physically get past this.  I have found that a nice warm hot shower usually does the trick.  And I think that's ok, although my family claims I am single handedly emptying out the Everglades.  I however, don't feel this is the case as we don't even have sprinklers, so an extra shower a day won't drain the Everglades and leave my Grandchildren without any water.

While I'm in the shower, I mentally try to imagine that all my worries, anxieties, frustrations and fears will lather up with the soap and rinse right off.  It was so pleasant, until tonight, when I realized that my shower was nothing more than an insane act.  While the shower was a temporary diversion, all the very same fears, worries, anxieties and frustrations (albeit were lessened) came back when the warmth of the water left my skin.  

I realized that I was officially insane.  I also realized if I could solve anxiety, frustrations and fear, I would be single handedly the richest woman on the planet, probably universe.  A reason faith is so powerful.  It's at times like these last couple of months, years, that I am so very grateful for a thing called faith, it's probably what keeps you from being completely insane.  Now that's crazy, good crazy!!

P.S. Please don't give me the actual definition of crazy!!!  

Where Have I Been......

I have been crazy busy the last couple of weeks, had some company and just getting back into the mainstream of life. I seem to have a little bit more energy than I did last week. I am doing a mandatory workout for two months, and that is much harder than I thought it would be. I have always worked out or exercised and always a little sore, but this is taking me much longer than anticipated for recovering time, so I'm taking it more easy. My Mom was here for a week and we got in the ocean a few times, need to make more time for that! I always feel better after that!

Next week I have a mammogram, I am a little nervous about that for sure!!!

Cancer was nice, in a crazy messed up way, it made me slow down and appreciate things that I had long since stopped appreciating and it seems like that crazy spiral is going right back into just that.....a crazy spiral.

Update on the tat.....it's coming OFF.....yup you read right, my TATTOO is COMING OFF!!! Who does that?? Donita does that....I'm that freak %.....it's CRAZY!!!!

Chemicals still around

I think that my chemicals are still around a bit. I am having some trouble with my lasik and with my general body, just really tired. I guess if I did some research I would find out exactly what was going on with my body, but you know what, I don't really want to know. I don't want to be "looking" for anything.

My hip has really been bothering me lately, and of course, all I can think about is my cancer metastasizing in my bones. That's why I'm not looking up any information on what's going on with the chemicals exiting the building.

Yesterday I was chatting with a dear friend who is 10 years out of cancer (YAY!!)) and now only goes once a year, he still worries about it coming back, so I know I am not alone with this thought process. He reminded me that I should be tired and it made me realize that I should be nicer to myself.

I have been frustrated with my energy level, it doesn't seem to be where I want it to be. I was given a rx to our hospital's gym, I went last night for the first orientation, have two more orientations before I start. A exercise orientation and a nutritional orientation. I hope they get me highly educated before I start (note the sarcasm....probably related to insurance or something like that) THEN I can start with the workouts and gaining back some strength.

I have lost weight, but I feel like I've lost strength and muscle too, and all that is frustrating because right before I was diagnosed I was doing so well with my trainer. I am one of the few who actually lost weight with breast cancer, most people gain weight, which really stinks!!!

Giant Chick!!!

Not in the girl sense, but actually in the bird sense, a chick...you know a small chicken. That's what I look like, a giant chick! I think newborns look this way too, it's a layer of really small fine hair everywhere and it's blonde and I seriously look like a giant baby chick.

Just thought I would share with you my new mental image of myself! :)

Wish I hadn't read it

This has, indeed, been a strange week. Have you ever read something you really wish you hadn't read??
I had my radiology appointment this week and she released me. Kinda strange, she said I had no side effects at all, therefore I am released. Yup, just done. I am very happy I am just "done" but a little leery also. Probably would have had a much happier experience had I not had my ipod go out while waiting for her. Since I didn't have that to play with any longer, I then had to read what was available to me.
I read the "stages of cancer" pamphlet that she had on the counter. I was pretty familiar with the stages and the information until I got to the last page, it was on "continuing on with life after cancer".
The paper said "cancer is a chronic disease, it never goes away, it just goes into remission."
That is the sentence I wish I had never read.....made me sad.....it just made it all "real" again.

Sad Day

Today two of my dear friends lost a parent. Having lost a parent myself, I understand what they are going through. What makes me really sad, is they both passed away from brain cancer. But they didn't have brain cancer forever, they were both okay a short time ago.

One friend, his Mom had breast cancer years ago, it was treated, and it came back. It came back many years later in her lungs and spread to her brain, too quickly and aggressive to treat.

My other friend, her Dad had bladder cancer years ago and he's been cancer free for years. Last week, he went to the hospital because he was a bit disoriented.....he had three large tumors in his brain, inoperable and quite an aggressive cancer. They think it started in his lung as well, and from what my friend said, he had a scan not too long ago (of his lung) and it was clear.

And today, they have both passed and cause of death will be cancer. I'm so sad for my friends......and I'm MAD that cancer has claimed two more lives.

Please get your scans...keep up with yourself medically.

Spring Time

I like springtime, I like what it offers, new beginnings. Sometimes I have so much to say I can't get it out, but today all I have to say is I like spring and I like new beginnings and I am very glad that I am alive with my spring chicken hair. It's going to be a while before I get back on my blog, have company coming for the holiday...that's exciting. It's nice to be worried about getting all the cooking, cleaning, table setting done for Easter.......instead of when my next chemo is and how I will be feeling.

Just happy holiday wishes to all.........be safe and be with those you love!!!

People Say the Darnest Things

"I love your haircut" strange lady at Walmart.

"Thank you?" Donita

"How do you get it so short?" strange lady at Walmart.

"I had cancer, this is from chemo, I didn't "cut" it." ECT.

"Did it kill you?" strange lady at Walmart.

o_O

18 Days

I have 18 days of spring breaks ahead of me. I will be so happy when my children get on the same schedule, because one of them is always in school, which means no sleeping in for me. I am a little off the hook lately with my "outings" in the evenings. I guess I stayed away from so many people for so long and so many people took care of me that I have a much larger "friend base" than I did before I got sick, so I'm enjoying time with all those people.

It was actually a blessing that I got sick. I have made so many more friends than I would have otherwise and it has made me really appreciate Florida. If you talked to me prior to this date, you know what a hard move it was for me. Texas has some imaginary string that attaches itself around you and when you move it is constantly tugging on you. I would have never cut that string had I not gotten sick and HAD to rely on people in Florida. Seriously, this is the best place ever.

For example, this morning I had chocolate chip pancakes with my dear sweet friend in a local bagel place, she referred to it as a "breakfast Cheers" which it so was, I love those places. Then I headed down to the beach and walked, and when I was done soaked my toe in the ocean. My tat has no scabs or anything, looks good, but I've been soaking it every day in the ocean. Soaking your body in the ocean every day is awesome, it's so therapeutic to these bones. On a negative note, some of my bones have really been hurting lately. I think this is a side effect from the chemo and radiation, my hip and my knee HURT, but the salt water really helps it. The wind was blowing and the beach was gorgeous, blue water, just so pretty....it's hard not to be happy.

(If you're a girl you will really appreciate this) I was soaking my toe watching one of the....what's the word.....HOT.......lifeguards swim in the water with my ipod in my ear kinda tapping my toe (if you will) to this beat just staring, probably (realistically) drooling when all of a sudden I realized he was swimming straight for me. It was like Baywatch or something, he got out of the water, walked straight towards me and said "Do you have cancer?" I just nodded my head (I was afraid if I talked it would really be a dream) and he grabbed my hand and kissed it and called me "cancer princess" and said his Mom had cancer and she was "clear" for 15 years now and he wanted me to know that "I was an awesome fighter". I just smiled and I think I said thank you and he swam off.

Love Florida........

Odd...to me

I have been told numerous times since I "freed" my head how beautiful I am. I know, that sounds so crazy conceded, but I don't mean it that way. What I mean is, we as a society, spend so much money on our hair. Crazy amounts of money. And these people are saying to me I'm beautiful with no hair......you can see where this doesn't make any sense.

I get that people are trying to be nice to me and may not literally mean beautiful but figuratively and supportively mean it. And that's great, because as a baldie that's what I love hearing, it makes me smile every time. It does bring up your spirits.

I am so hesitant to now spend lots of money on my hair, but we all know I am seriously going to forget this when it's time to go get those highlights. I just thought it was an interesting observation, I get way more compliments bald than with the $200 haircut/highlights/products......

My favorite part of the obviousness of having cancer is the stories random people tell me. They usually start like this "My Mom died from breast cancer.........." which makes me a little sad in the beginning, but their story usually ends with "......I am praying for you". Happened at the McDonald's drive through, the lady was handing me my iced mocha (has something crazy addictive in it -beware) and she said, "are you just done with your treatments (that's when I know immediately that they have been directly affected-they know the lingo) my Mom died from breast cancer....(she knew I had breast cancer because I have a shirt on that says Dig Pink....fight for a cute) and I'm fighting for you all the way and I'm praying for your family." I said "I'm done" and she said "Honey, you still need those prayers so I'm a prayin".

See, that's just nice. Nicer than the guy at Publix the other day who wanted to "kick my bald ass." :)

How Time Flies!!

I can't believe it's been over a week since I wrote on my cancer blog. Maybe it's because I'm pretending that this chapter in my life is over. I know it's not gone, but the unfun part is over, of that I am convinced. I know this because last week I jumped into "precancer" life with both feet. Took off my hat, drank alcohol, went out, danced, got a tattoo, so I'm good. Yes, got a tattoo. If you know me well or long, you know I was adamantly opposed to tattoos. Judgmental, I know, but come on I'm from Texas and they pride themselves on being judgmental and cocky. It's ok, I'm trying to learn from my mistakes. But I totally "get it" now as it relates to tattoos. I wouldn't get one just to get it, but I LOVE it and every day it reminds me to love with a little bit more compassion and kindness. To be a little less uptight and a little bit more fun. To go and sit at the beach and skip the ironing. See, these are things I would not have done in the past. I am very good at my job, I am on top of all things at home at all times, but now I don't worry about it being perfect. I worry more about whether or not my children are getting a good education and are learning to laugh at the small things, I want everyone I know to have to skip the "lesson" with this and just let me tell you. You don't need to go through all this that I went through, so love more laugh more and just be happy!! (wait isn't that a song??) It sounds so sappy, but it's so true. The tattoo was a chapter ending for me or maybe it was a chapter beginning, depending on if you're half empty or half full and I've always been half full, so it's a chapter beginning.

Head Debut

It's official, I debuted my head this weekend!! This weekend has been crazy fun and so nice to be back to normal, regular routine.....regular life.

We started by having a swim meet and a water polo day Saturday, poor Nick swam in 4 events (including the im-which he rocked) and then played FOUR water polo games. This was the first time in a very very long time that I did my volunteer job (I run the computer) in a long time and it felt great. It felt great to get so many hugs and loves. I sat at the water polo games out in the sun with no hat (need to get those free highlights) and just watched the games. Didn't feel bad or hot or self conscious or anything, I just felt regular.

It wasn't a weekend without long stares and lots of double takes, but people can't help it, it's not their fault. They actually feel a little bad when they figure out I'm bald from something "bad".

Went out to dinner Saturday night in Boca with some dear friends who held our hands so tightly during my pink path, and for that I will be ever grateful. We had a fabulous steak dinner and several bottles of wine. Yes, you read that right, wine. Not only wine, I actually had my first official seven and seven after about seven months of no alcohol at all. I'm not a huge drinker, but it was so much fun to cut up and just have some drinks.

Sunday (which came really early after such a fabulous dinner and losing an hour of sleep) we headed to downtown Hollywood for the St. Patrick's Day Parade and Will's school's principal was the parade's Grand Marshall. It was such a fun parade, we really love Hollywood. Saw lots of people I hadn't seen in such a long time. And I didn't wear my hat. This was my favorite comment, " oh, you DID loose your hair, we were wondering." ....................

Headed down to the market on the beach (Josh's) and then had an ice cream twist and sat on the beach and watched the seagulls fight over a piece of pizza. It was a lot of fun and I am so excited to be back in our regular routine of busy weekends and social events. A little secret, I'm whipped. I could easily snuggle into bed and be done for the night, but I have do that annoying parenting thing, it's always around!!

Tomorrow I'm going to talk about Sesame Street....................

Good Mood

I'm in such a good mood today, even though the weather is horrible, it's not bothering me at all! I guess since my horrible awful stomach virus went away and I have so much more energy!!

I am not even letting a peeling breast and underarm bother me. And I can promise you I haven't experienced that before, and don't want to experience it again. It's quite uncomfortable and unfortunately I can't just "let it be". I have to put this oil in it FOUR times a day. That's absolutely restricting as far as social events go, let's just say I wash a lot of undergarments. That's another thing that will be awesome, to resume regular undergarments, these "cancer" bras are annoying and not very helpful. If you don't have cancer you probably don't want to know that, but lots of people read this who do have cancer and they get it.

I was thinking this morning I want to do something with my slightly used cancer items. I haven't googled it, so it probably exists, but I was thinking about a local "cancer consignment", you know slightly used items for those who can't afford the wigs, hats, hair pieces, special shirts, etc. Or if they just don't want to spend all the money, cancer is expensive.

But I have no idea how to go about it. If you have any ideas, or suggestions, please message me or email me (DonitaWheeler@aol.com) or become my facebook friend (Donita Bath Wheeler), maybe it already exists and I can just make a huge donation and if it doesn't exist I would love to start one.

Oh guess what.........I saw the psychic in Publix the other day, she was down one aisle and I was down another and Nick was with me, we hauled it and escaped her......but I bet my Mom is right....I bet I see her again!!!

It's A Little Surreal

I had my last radiation treatment today, all done. There's no more cancer...there is no more treatments....there is no more chemicals going into my body. I feel so weird.

When I went to camp in 9th grade in Colorado, I got off the plane and burst into tears. My parents thought that I had had a terrible time, but that wasn't the case at all, I had a complete and total blast, but the overwhelming feeling of all the emotions of the week at camp hit me all at once, at the end.

That's how I do things, I don't cry when it happens and I don't react really, but when it's all over, that's when I fall apart. I am great in emergency situations, calm and level headed. I can handle bad news really well and I can go through whatever I need to go through to get the job done.

My graduation from radiation is a little clouded today because I have a wicked stomach virus. It's like the eyebrows/lashes, I go 7 months without any sickness and the day I graduate from all treatment I get a horrible (I mean BAADD) stomach virus. I couldn't hug anybody at radiation and I can't go for a fun lunch today. But that's ok, I'll make up for it!!!

I still have lots of doctors appointments next week, so I'll still be writing!! Thank you for always being there for me!!

A Little Sad

I have been pretty upbeat, only sad once in a while. I'm sad today, my eyebrows ALL fell out this morning and my eye lashes just have a few hanging on. I know beauty is only skin deep, but I sure feel sucker punched........

Only Four Left!!

I went today to the doctor check up and she said I needed to start icing my area 3-4 times a day.........more fun. You know what, I only have four left, so whatever she says I will do! After my trauma on Tuesday, I will just do whatever it takes to be DONE!!! My hand is really sore, they put my iv in on my pointer finger...painful!

Florida has been COLD, let me repeat, COLD. Seriously, not joking, COLD. I thought about complaining and then I thought, you know I could be doing all of this in 88* plus 88% humidity, so I think I'll keep quiet. It's so much better for the area to not sweat, apparently that can cause some problems, so I guess I will just be grateful it's cold.

My hair is baby fuzzy hair. It's almost like this......

No Kidney Stones

I went and had my radiation this morning and the radiologist wrote me a script to get an xray to rule out kidney stones. Because last night at 2:36 am I woke up and thought someone was repeatedly stabbing me in the back, it was horrible, I was up for hours. Finally feel back asleep at 5:50am only to be back awake at 6, oi!!

I went and had the xray done and it showed no kidney stones, but the radiologist wanted me to go to the ER to see what it was, they wanted to rule out any metastasizing of my spine. That was a scary thought, we went straight away. Checked in the ER at 9:30ish and they immediately set me up with an IV and some really good drugs that took all the pain away. Then I went and had a CT scan and then I waited and waited and waited and waited.

FINALLY, they came back and said I had no cancer in my spine, I had no kidney stones, I had a really bad muscle spasm and gave me more really good drugs. While that's all well and good that I have the drugs to help me out, I can't take them, they are all "do not drive" drugs. So hopefully I can take them at night and slowly this horrible pain will go away!!

Thank you so much for all your prayers and calls (messages, texts, emails) this was a scary day for me, I was terrified when I thought I might have cancer in my back, so very grateful that I don't!!!!

Going to the ER

Can't take it anymore, headed to the ER, will write when I know..........prayers!!!

I'm Dying

I either have a kidney stone or I've got a back that is in a permanent stage of Charlie horse and I'm in some serious pain. Thank goodness I have some left over pain pills from the surgeries, but I am telling you this is flipping PAINFUL.

I'll let you know when I know what it is!!

Lost a Bet

Lost a bet, must post picture of me in my current "condition"..............however, the "better" should have been more specific, I was just told I couldn't wear a hat.........

I Was Thinking

I was outside thinking about some of my dear sweet friends and family, I was watering a withering (mad that it's cold) plant and I was thinking that it just perks up after I water it. That's like me, a phone call or a text or a email or a wave perks me up. I just have cancer, I have insurance and I have great doctors, so my trial in life isn't really that rough, my cancer is gone, I'm in the final stages. And as many thousands of people have told me, "it's just hair, it will come back."

I have some people in my life right now who are going through so much worse than cancer. Somethings you can't solve with insurance or good doctors or anything. It makes me sad for them, I wish I had the simple answers for them that the doctors had for me. I'm so lucky to be me, I have such a good life. I wish I could take away all the pain for those I love and make their lives happy too. I've said it before and I mean it, I would gladly go through this all over again if it would guarantee that no one I know would have to go through it.

Know that if you're going through something rough right now that I am here for you, 1000% of the time........If you know me, you know I can be extra lovey dovey sometimes, and my moon must be in an extra lovey dovey place because I just feel love, all the time, (except from the DMV) ((hugs))!!

Happy Weekend!! xoxox

I Could Be Bad

I am feeling the urge to have a "bad" streak. Let me explain, for the most part (Mom may not agree) I've been "good" and done mostly everything I've supposed in life, never really stepped too far down the "bad" path. I'm a good Mom, wife, daughter, friend, cousin, niece, daughter-in-law, etc. I do what I'm supposed to.....because I'm supposed too. I've followed all the "cancer rules" and done everything I'm supposed to with all of that......but I'm feeling the urge to do something naughty.

Probably the same as male's "mid-life crisis" with their cars and girlfriends, I just am feeling the urge to go away and get a tattoo or dance all night or have a few extra mind altering products (I haven't drank in forever) and just cut loose.

I know I'm not alone with these feelings, I see lots of cancer patients feel this way at some point in time and I would imagine that someone like me (who does what they are supposed too ALL the time) feels this way once in a while.

I don't want to do anything life altering or illegal, I just want to cut it up. See, if I was a male, I could gather my friends and go out on the town and it would be fine. But that doesn't work for females quite the same, especially 42 yo stay at home, church going, Mom-wife gals.

I don't need a bunch of phone calls telling me not to do anything stupid, because I won't do anything at all, I am just feeling the desire to do something I'm not supposed too do............ still thinking about that tattoo! ;P

Almost forgot, the radiologist came in today with a camera and started taking photos of my....come on guess.......my breasts. I was like "hey, don't you have enough photos of that?" She said my Dr. was so impressed with my skin at this point in radiation that she wanted to take photos to show other Dr's............seriously who HASN'T seen those photos yet??

Down to 9!

Had my Dr's weekly check up today and she just couldn't believe I only had 9 more treatments left, yay!! She gave me a new cream to use, since I am starting to get a little red and extra tan, but other than that I am still doing very well.

My friend recently mentioned the word jelly beans and I haven't had much of an appetite lately, but those jelly beans sure hit the spot. I am sure it's not a healthy diet, one that consists of mainly jelly beans, but I'm loving them! Thanks, K! It stopped me from having to see a nutritionist because I didn't lose more than 3 lbs. this week, if I'd not see the post, not been reminded I love jelly beans and not eaten (a LOT) of them this week, I'd be having to go meet with a nutritionalist psychologist and I just don't have the patience for that, really, I'll eat again!! Friends just helping me out all over the place.

It's funny where life leads you, places you never expect, not just physical places (who knew.....FLORIDA....really??) but mental places as well. I get my strength from my friends and family, you all are the best. It's funny how your heart evolves given different circumstances in life. I feel sad for those people who aren't given different experiences to allow their heart to be hurt and to grow and to love and to be broken and to handle the unexpected.

I've grown lately due to many unexpected circumstances and although it hasn't been an easy road, I'm very glad that I was able to experience all of these different paths.

I don't know who's putting what in my coffee, but I seem to be on a "happy" path lately, I think it's because I have special people in my life whom I just adore.

Here's another funny thing that I am sure I will catch a few comments about, I was thinking this morning about getting a real tattoo, a pink ribbon in my wrist (on the inside) just to remind me to remember all I've learned, to stay in this frame of mind.

Fun Times

William and I are discussing high school and then that took me immediately into college, such good times. It really wasn't that long ago, was it?? I am, in a way, so jealous of the boys....they have so much fun ahead of them. I wish I could extend the fun times in their lives so they have fun and not grow up too fast.

Then you just grow up and get serious and then sometimes you get sick and that just sucks. What doesn't suck is that you have so many friends and family that stand behind you and really take your hand and get you through the tough times in life.

Having good memories helps, I am in a good place, a happy place and even though I still have 11 radiations left, I (oddly enough) enjoy seeing my radiation crowd every morning and I will miss my new friends when it's all done. I have a special place in my heart for the radiation crowd, we're all a part of the same team, all fighting together. It's like a AA meeting or something, we all walk in and everyone says "hello" in unison. Cheer those who need cheering, console those who aren't coming along as well, congratulate those who are "done", and cry with those are aren't feeling well. I love them.

Giving a little shout out to my friend with whom I chatted extendedly with today..........love you, you make me smile, I'm so happy your in my life!!!!

How Fast Things Change

This morning is the exact opposite of yesterday morning, stormy windy and rainy. Oh well, just like life, changes happen so fast. For example, on Friday I had most of my eyelashes and eyebrows, now on Monday I only have about half of each......:(

That aside, I had a large weekend, full of fun. First time since 1994 I have been completely alone one evening, sort of, still had the pets. Anyway, I had so many fun dates this weekend! I was not home longer than to brush my teeth and go to bed or get up and get dressed. Probably a good thing for the gloomy weather this morning to catch up on all that fun.

One of my most fun dates was with a friend of mine and we went to have lunch at the Greek restaurant in downtown Hollywood. We were sitting outside having a lovely meal, meaningful conversation, laughing, enjoying. I looked to my immediate west and there was a woman sitting there with sunglasses on by herself having what appeared to be water, she was facing me. My friend had their back to most of the table, able to see the street and I was facing the sidewalk. I watched a couple with a very young child sit down, two African American men sit down, a table with what appeared to be a husband, wife and her mother, and then this woman by herself with the water. I didn't pay much attention to anyone, I was enjoying being with my friend. I glanced at the woman a few times, probably because I thought she was homeless.

That's not an uncommon thing here, I don't really pay much attention to it anymore, but she was just staring. I'm used to it, I get it all the time, large bald lady gets stared at a lot. About the third time I glance at her, she takes down her sunglasses and gives me "the eye" and I was giggling but I couldn't really tell my friend what was going on nor did I want to interrupt the conversation. Then the lady disappeared.

We were enjoying our meal, and I looked up and she was standing at the table! She's not small either, and here's what she said.

"I'm a psychic and God has sent me to lead you down the path that has been chosen for you."

I responded with , "Ok, that sounds great, I'm eating lunch right now, but when I'm done I'll come find you and we'll chat." And she stands there for a minute.

"You are really on the wrong path, you need to be helped, you're going to be a gloriously successful and God wants me to help you."

"Ok, thanks, I'll look for you when I'm done."

And she walks off, downtown Hollywood has lots of restaurants and shops, so I figured she walked off to get more food or something. We go on with our lovely lunch and are at the end, having a cappuccino and chatting. There is only us and the table with the two African American men left. A pigeon comes and lands almost on me, and hops on top of the table by the men. I tried to shoo it away but it wouldn't leave so I said to the men, "hey, can you get that bird off the table" and they kinda look surprised at me and one of the guys says, "you know black birds, they are slow".

Then my friend turns to them and says to the man "you look like Tom Joyner" and he responds, "that's because I am". It was at this point my friend got very excited and discussed that we were both from Dallas and apparently he is from Dallas too. My friend is in the music business and I guess Tom is a VERY famous African American DJ. Of course, I have no clue who he is.

We have a large discussion with them and discuss Dallas and weather and radio and such, again I have no idea who these men are and am not star struck at all. We were done with the conversations, hellos, introductions, etc. and I focused back on our table and turn around and Psychic is BACK. Just standing at the table, she scared the crap out of me.

"I'm waiting to speak to you." Crazy Psychic woman

"I'm at lunch with my friend, and their time is valuable, so I'm not going to cut into this lunch with a psychic reading, but if you have a card I will take that and give you a call later." Creeped out Donita

She searches her purse for FOREVER and comes up with no card. She says, "do you have a pen" as she grabs a receipt to write on. I had her a pen and paper and she writes Miriam psychic and her number. Then she leaves and tells me one more time I am not doing what I am supposed to be doing and crosses the street and gets into a VERY nice Lincoln continental. I almost died, here I thought she was homeless and nope, she was in a really nice car and she left.

I told my friend I should probably throw away my pen, she probably cursed it or something and wow, can she not come up with a more obvious choice? I mean it's so incredibly obvious something is going on with me, I'm bald with half of my eye lashes and eye brows and it doesn't take a genius to figure out something is going on with me!!! Seriously, stuff like this happens to me ALL the time.

We got up to leave, my friend went to the restroom and Tom had two more buddies join him at his table (who were also from Dallas) and they asked me to join them, but I graciously declined. (still have no idea who they are). I think my friend was shocked I didn't want to join them, but I still didn't know exactly who he was and I was pretty sure that unless he turned out to be Samuel L. Jackson or someone like that, that it wasn't going to be ok for me to have drinks with my friend, me and four men from Dallas I didn't know!

I did figure out that the Bentley parked next to us was his car and when we got in the car my friend was so funny.

...Donita, you have no idea how famous that guy is nor how much money he has, etc.

....Ok, so now I know, Tom Joyner is a famous African American DJ from Chicago that used to fly from Dallas to Chicago every day to do his show in two cities. He's now syndicated and I heard him this morning.

I was telling Whitney this morning about running into Tom and asking him to shoo away a bird and his response was "that's like asking Bono to go get you a beer".

Oh well, if I run into him again, I won't ask him to shoo away a bird!!!

Down to 12 radiations!!!!

Beautiful Morning

It is one of those incredible South Florida morning's slight breeze, water calm and glistening, boats out on the water, birds chirping, 68*, just beautiful. I'm sitting out on the front porch looking at the breathtaking blue skies and having a delicious cup of coffee.

It's my second favorite time of day, I love watching the sun come up and he newness of the day. I'm far enough along in my treatment and journey that cancer isn't the first thing I think of every morning anymore and for that I am ever grateful. My most favorite time of day is the sunset, the colors are unreal, it's a palette of pastels that never gets old, and I love reflecting on all we accomplished that day.

I never have really gone down the "why me" path, I figured you can't unspill milk. But I will concede that just when I think I have things under control and I'm the one running the victory lap, some of the very smallest things (measured by those who are NOT going through cancer treatment) happens.

When I knew I was going to have the chemo that makes you lose your hair I was mad, no two ways about it, and you all know what a LONG journey that has been for me, but I'm dealing and if I don't say so myself, feel like I'm dealing pretty well. I knew my breaking point would be my eye lashes. I've always had long full eyelashes and I've always been proud of them. I get asked all the times if I have on "falsies" and get asked if I've had implants and nope, they are all mine. I remember in 8th grade my friend made so much fun of me because I stood in the mirror with a straight pin (every morning-still do) and would separate each lash so my mascara didn't look clumpy. My hair on my head was over processed and needed a new color and texture anyway, so while it's been hard to be bald, I'm looking forward to "virgin" hair; however, I have repeated begged God to please not take my eyelashes.

My prayers were answered, for the most part, and most of my eyelashes and eyebrows have stayed intact. Those false eyelashes I got "just incase" have stayed in their package. Having those hairs seemed to really keep my self esteem and smiling going. Until this week (same week some "friends" show their real colors) and now most of my eye brows are gone (although I already have new ones coming in) and half of my eye lashes on my bottom left eye fell out last night. I just feel so defeated, in so many areas.

On the one hand, I have William making me roll with laughter last night with his stories from his trip. And I am so proud of Nick I could burst, his water polo is just outstanding. Whitney has been the best husband in the world with all of this thrown at him too ( in all fairness he didn't ask for a sick, bald, moody, weepy -at times- dependent wife). Lucky is even better how with his daily diabetic shots and Buddy hasn't eaten anything crazy this week. Our family is very happy and strong and enjoying life.

And on the other hand I feel so sad that the eye lashes fell out. Why now, why on the road to being strong and being normal. I'm probably only a month away from taking off my hat and re-emerging into the world and BOOM out they come.

I guess in the large reflection of things, this is just life. Just when things get easy or settled, you are thrown some other obstacle.

It's the same with relationships, you think at 42 you have some things mastered, you think that you should be able to talk (real) to people you have relationships with and be honest with your feelings but nope that's not the case either. (As you can tell I am still greatly annoyed with the "friends") I find this so ridiculously frustrating. I am the kind of person that just says it like it is, let's not sugar coat it or dance around it, let's just talk about it. Because for the 20 minutes that you are uncomfortable with the conversation (or maybe people just don't like facing reality and dealing with situations) you save years of frustration just being honest and up front. I despise liars or as they often think of themselves "omitters".

I think my "friend" and my eye lashes are the same frustration. You can't control either one and you are trying your hardest to be accommodating and treat them right. I faithfully put in my "revitalash" (cancer potion for eyelashes), don't rub my eyes and don't wear makeup unless going out. I faithfully answer the phone when friends call, do anything I can do to help them out, and listen to all they have to say. I'm sad that both have turned on me, the eye lashes fell out and the friend only responds when they need something, won't even give a chance to explain my feelings and I think that is just wrong all the way around.

I guess when the human race masters this, we will be war and conflict free.

(Side note) I've gotten a few messages, texts, phone calls since posting this about my "friends" and believe me, if you are calling, texting, messaging me, it's not you! The "friends" don't bother with any of that, it would be way too considerate on their part! And they know who they are, no questions.

Interesting Thoughts

I am very happy to announce that my family is all back in the states, it's nice to have William home, although I know he had a fabulous time in Europe for his 16th birthday, makes me wish I was 16 again.......he's got so many wonderful memories. Nick is having a great weekend in Orlando at water polo, playing well, one game away from Junior Olympics qualifying. For the first time since 1994 I spent one night ALONE in the house, with just me the cat and the dog, it was funny, I was asleep with no problems and slept for a LONG time!!

I went to a party for Will's school last night and had such a nice time, I love his school and I love the people who hang out at the school. They are so loving and kind, I had several people come up to me and tell me that they have been praying for me this entire battle and two of them I just knew by faces not names, and I just thought it was the sweetest thing in the world that they were praying for me. I was showing the girls my bald head (I try not to take my hat off in mixed company) and one of the men walked in and he was so sweet, said the nicest things.

Today went to run some errands and ran into several friends who were also so kind and sweet. I guess if there was some good things to come out of all this, it is how many people have been sweet to me (minus strangers in post offices and churches) and I am just floored by how many people are on my side and fighting with me against this disease.

That's the good end of things, then there are those in my life who know I am going through all this craziness and they don't really seem to care, and these are people who should be kind and patient with me. I rarely pull my "cancer" card, but you know, if a friend of mine was going through this, I certainly wouldn't pick this time to talk behind their back or to hold a grudge or to flat out just ignore them, especially if I had done something to help them in their lives. I just don't get that kind of behavior at all. It's happened to me twice this week, and of course I was hurt by these actions. I consider myself a good friend, I'll do anything for you and give you anything, but I kinda expect you to be (at minimum) polite to me.

So my interesting conclusion for the day is....complete strangers are praying for me and two "friends" are just being selfish and ugly, maybe it's time to switch out the strangers and "friends"!

Half Way Mark

I am officially half way done with radiation today. Went for my weekly doctor visit and she said I am doing "remarkably well". She said this week I may start turning red and if that happens to go to her first and she would let me take some days off. Don't want any days off, just want to be done. I am starting to get darkening in the areas of the radiation. My shoulder is hurting, but she says that is just the way I lay on the table every day.

I personally think it hurts because it's way too COLD here in not warm Florida. I mean to tell you, I love the 80's, you can have this 40-50-60 degree weather! My shoulder used to bother me in Dallas with large temperature gaps, and I haven't missed that in Hollywood, next week it will be warmer again. I need a good shoulder rub.

I got a small one in the office because they have a free massage therapist that roams around, love that. Except 15 min. isn't enough!

I have been experiencing some interesting feelings, but according to my "cancer" sources they are normal. I just feel so lucky to stop and smell the flowers, to enjoy a friend's story, to catch up with someone I haven't seen in a long time, to go the speed limit. But my general population of family and friends aren't there with me. They are still running at that 1000mph speed and not feeling the love of everything like I am. When I try to tell them to "slow down" and enjoy life, I get that "yea, you're sick and not normal like us" look.

Do me a favor and do something that you want to do today, just for yourself and do it with joy.

13 Down

Seems that my breast is agitated today with the radiation. Probably because she bragged on it so much yesterday! Tomorrow marks my half way mark, I'm so glad!!

I have my appointment tomorrow for blood work and "how are you doing" once a week check in, that will be easy. Haven't been as diligent putting on the aloe vera these last two days, maybe that's why it's red, I guess I'd best stay on top of that!!

I'm sitting at home waiting on the DISH man to bring us a HDTV receiver for our new HDTV flat screen. We've finally moved into this century and are seeing what all the fuss is about, it's a nice tv, just in time for the Olympics.

I always wonder why they give you a 5 hour window. I don't know much that takes five hours, and who has five hours? I do (only because) I picked up Nick early because he wasn't feeling well, but they have you at such a mercy, what's your choice??

Kinda like cancer, where's the choice???

12 down!!

Been productive today, which I haven't been in a while, I love that good productive feeling!!

I went to the oncologist today and she said I was "doing great!" I'm so excited and it felt good to hear. It was funny, remember we know each other from my dentist and she said she was at the dentist's office last week and they were talking about me and my good attitude. She told him (dentist) that she never saw me "not" smiling. I'm pretty sure I had some "not" smiling days, glad she didn't see me those days!

We went on to have my exam (what would a day be like where I didn't whip out my breast for ALL in the room to see.......... it will be such an adjustment to not show it on a continual basis, maybe I'll look into job vacancies at all these gentlemen's clubs.......) and as she was checking out the breasts, she was amazed I had no signs of radiation. She kept asking me if I was going to radiation and I kept saying yes. She grabs TWO other nurses and the other Dr. in the practice to come in and look at my breast, to show off how well I was doing with radiation.

I love praise, I respond well to praise, but I'm so TIRED of everyone seeing my breasts. Although I did get tickled and I think I turned a little pink (I don't turn red, just pink). Seriously, I'm going for a new career path.

After having such a glowing report, I did get some not so good news today, there's a chance that this chemical post menopause that I'm in may subside and then RETURN again when I'm older, wth, really??

Then I headed back over to the hospital to sit with my friend who had a biopsy today. It really made me flashback on my situation and have some nervous feelings. I would gladly do this cancer thing all over again if I could take it away from all of my family and friends whom I love dearly. I don't want anyone I know to ever have to do it, EVER.

You may have noticed that ECT has been very quiet lately, I have her locked in a closet with a heavy pad lock on it. :) She had to be put away last week when she went nuts on a man in front of her at Walmart. Walmart just brings out the worst in people, they even have a website devoted to it!

I almost forgot, I was getting on the elevator this morning after radiation to go be with my dear friend and when I got on I got on with a nurse who looked familiar, but I couldn't place her. She said "Caledonia Wheeler", do you remember me? (I hate it when people do that to you!) Anyway, I did remember she was the nurse who removed my port. I said "Yes, you're the port remover!" She just laughed and she said "You're absolutely right, I recognized you from your EYES (isn't that crazy) she said I've never seen eyes likes yours." I thought that was very sweet and she's the third person this month to say that to me!

There ARE sweet people in Hollywood!!

You know all those hat crazies?? This guy so made up for them!

I went to pick up my cat after his being watched for the day, he had his first insulin shot. We were in the waiting room of the vet's office and a man and his wife walked in the door. I noticed she had on a pink breast cancer shirt with the ribbon in rhinestones.

The man asked me if I walked on the beach in the mornings and I said yes. He said "I recognize you and I wanted to tell you I'm sorry about your cancer. We had a daughter who was 42 (hummm, very close to home) and she died of breast cancer a year ago. We've been watching you walk (the man and his wife-nothing weird) and we knew you before your hair fell out, we just knew it was breast cancer and we've been praying for you."

I just stood there for a few second recovering and while I was recovering, they both gave me a HUGE hug and said they had to run.

It was such a nice ending to such a crappy week! The crappy week isn't health related, it's my real life, not my cancer life! How dare that real life!!

Down to 19

That's kind of fun, out of the 20's!

Don't have time for cancer this week, too much going on in my real life. William left today on his trip to Europe and my baby turns 16 over there, I'm SO excited for him and SO jealous!!!

My cat is a diabetic now, so tomorrow I go and learn how to administer all his shots, etc. Yay, just what I thought would be fun, a cat with diabetes.

Buddy (the dog) at my meat loaf I made for dinner this week, must need some protein after eating the bag of chocolate mint kisses a few weeks ago.

I feel a trip to the beach in my immediate future!!

#23

Definitely the radiation that is making me loose my appetite. I was great on Sunday, will remember to eat more on Sundays! It hit me about thirty minutes after radiation, that just yucky feeling. But that's ok, like I said, it's not a bad thing for me to have less calories!

A little tender today too, but not that bad. Hot flashes still in full swing (sigh) and not sleeping that much, of course never been much of a sleeper.

I was able to enjoy two parties yesterday and not be self conscious of my head gear, given my new revelation on Friday. That was fun, things are good.

#24

Oh my goodness, one week down and no gigantic mishaps, yay!

I'm fine, just not eating much, but that's ok I have a little extra padding! It's funny, I have been told over and over and over again that I look the same even though I'm bald. Almost every single friend has said to me "get over it" (which by the way is NOT a good thing to say if you have hair and the person you are telling to get over it doesn't) and I just wouldn't get over it.

But I think I'm finally over it. I don't know why I associate being "whole" with having hair, it really is the most ridiculous thought out there, but when you have been through loosing your hair and the traumatic effects of being forced bald, your self confidence goes out the window with the hair.

I had two people confirm this for me yesterday, they confirmed that I was indeed-with or without hair-the same person I have always been, and I want to thank both of them for being "straight" with me.

It is terribly hard to stop feeling sorry for your bald head, but one person in particular really let me have it today on that subject and it was such a relief to finally after all of this time, be able to let that go and accept that I am-indeed-the same person (and this is the crazy part of it) with OR without my hair.

Isn't that the definition of a real friend, to love you just as you are, to always see that person as the most in all of their qualities??

#25

Today was the "big" day. Every Thursday they do films and I have an appointment with the Dr. and then I have to give blood. I give so much blood I can actually watch them put the needle in my arm now and take the blood with no problems! I had to go across the street to the chemo building to give the blood and I almost puked, but I didn't, I was so proud!

Everything was fine, I am doing "great" for my four treatments. She showed me the rx and where it was going, etc. it's all good. The waiting room is funny, it's the same people every day and now everyone chats. There are two males with prostate cancer and three females with breast cancer. I just found out one of ladies in the waiting room teaches at William's school, but in the elementary level. His high school is next door to the elementary/middle school (Catholic) school and she teaches third grade, we exchanged "hot flash" stories. By the way, really getting on my nerves those flashes!

My dear friend who was with me when I got the phone call had her mammogram and ultrasound this morning and I could tell she was a little nervous and since I have a "roam the hospital with no questions" bracelet I wear, I headed upstairs after my radiation to go give her a hug.

While I was sitting waiting for her I started chatting (imagine that, me chatty??) with a lady who was going through chemo and we had seen each other around. Anyway, she was in much worse shape with me, made me sad and happy. Does that sound bad, I wish I could take away everything she's going through, but it also made me realize that I could have had it much worse, I guess really it made me feel sad and blessed-not happy. This poor woman just talked and talked and talked (I know, can you believe, someone out chatted me??) and I could tell she just needed to vent. So it was a good thing I wait about 30 minutes for my friend, obviously this lady needed me. I wouldn't be surprised for her to find us one morning on the beach, she knows we walk and she said she would look for us, I'm sure she will I think she's very lonely.

Anyway, while we were chatting the ultrasound tech who originally "found" my tumor came up to me and said "Caledonia (for those of you who don't know-that's my legal and insurance name) it's SO GOOD to see you (big hug) I think about you all the time, I could never forget those blue eyes staring at me when I found your tumor, and how's your Mom (she came for some of the biopsies), I am so happy to see you, you look great, I always pray for you."

Now how sweet was that?? Makes up for all the hat freaks in Hollywood!

#26

It is a bit ridiculous how easy this has been (so far). I drop off Will, get my coffee, park and walk in, get my ticket stamped (for parking) scan my radiation id, I barely sit down and they are ready for me. I change into my robe, they arrange me on the table (more teaching students there today, all male) I do the radiation for about 3 minutes and I get off the table, change back into my clothes, go back to the car, and I'm done. I get there a little after eight and I am done by about 8:24 every morning.

I am sure it will hit a snag at some point. And just so you know, I plan to count down each day one by one. It is how I do things, I love to have a number to count down. And I especially feel the right to count down the radiation after the chemo (which I don't know if I mentioned or not but I would not wish chemo on my worst enemy), so you can look forward to a day by day count down.

Lots of people ask me if I can feel the radiation. No, I can not. It is a huge machine, I lay on a bed like you would if you were getting a cat scan or a MRI but instead of there being a tube you go into, it is like a mission control spot. Lots of computers and screens, the "arm" that gives the radiation hoovers above me and moves from the left to the right. There are steel grids in the "arm" and it makes different designs. They match the tattoos and all line up for the radiation, the different designs replicate the spot where the tumor was, and then outlying areas.

Headed to walk, hope everyone has a wonderfully blessed and happy day!

#27

I can't believe how fast they are, and how quick it is. I did feel nauseous the entire day yesterday, but I don't know if that was mental or real, you know they tell you OVER and OVER again you will be nauseous, so again....hard to tell.

For the most part I maintain a happy attitude, but sometimes the deep and dark creep into my being and you know, usually when that happens I get a random message from someone who means the world to me saying, "hey I'm praying for you and thinking about you" and that just makes it so much better, thank you!!!

She said to put aloe on the area three times a day, even when it looks like nothing is wrong. So I'm off to cut up my aloe vera plant. Which is actually harder to do than you think. You buy the plant for that reason, to cut up and use, but actually taking a pair of scissors to it is difficult.

I think the highlight of these 28 sessions will be the Cuban coffee I get to get in the mornings, it's so delicious!!!! And cheap, only $1.25 for a LARGE and I mean LARGE. If you're local, go it's at Bravo's on Johnson and they have a little window if you don't want to go into the market.

Off to walk, the beach just makes everything ok, I'm glad it's close by!

First Radiation down 27 left!

I got up, showered, put on nothing (hehe I don't mean clothes, I mean lotions, deodorant, etc!!) and took William to school. Met Whitney at our favorite coffee place (Bravo supermarket has the BEST coffee!) and then headed to the hospital. Got all checked in and of course, forgot my "scan" card that I need everyday to say I'm here. Also forgot my bracelet, do you think I wanted to go??

Anyway, after the lectures of being prepared and needing all these goodies, they took me back. I changed clothes and in came the two girl nurses and (of course, who else would have this happen) a visiting boy nurse "is it ok if he watches?"

I missed the check in of modesty at the door, so I was a little hesitant, but they took that as a yes and DOWN went the robe and exposed again.......really......it's getting old.

It was a little funny because the second I was exposed he looked EVERYWHERE except at me, not like it matters, on the wall is a picture of your breast, a LARGE picture showing the radiation grid.

They all left the room and literally it took maybe 4 minutes. It made lots of noise and was done. I was done in 18 minutes and then the massage lady grabbed me and massaged me for a little bit. That was nice. I hope she's there every day!

My skin is a little itchy and I feel a little nauseous, but that could be it's Monday morning!!

Up to FIVE!!!

I went to the last "fitting" for the radiologist today. I was pretty sure I had missed the hospital and landed at NASA instead, holy moly, this machine is incredible. I seriously thought it was going to open up and start feeding me or something, I have never seen such a thing. Gigantic robot.

I get there and my friend with the large belly comes out to get me in his Hawaiian scrubs (ok, maybe Florida scrubs) and he's his regular chatty self. We do the same routine, I change into my robe and leave it open in the back.

I lay on the table and boom, the robe is off and folded at my waist. I mean really, can't you buy me a drink or something first?? Then he starts chatting about the ProBowl and if I'm going, etc. Dude, really, my breasts are completely exposed and we're talking about football, this has to be part of a bad SNL skit. We finish and he sends me to a waiting room. I still have on the robe (which he so graciously tied for me-in the back) and I have my shirt and bra and hat in my purse. Well, sort of, if you saw my purse you would think it would be large enough to hold all of those things, but not really, all of that is balanced on the top of my purse.

I had no idea the waiting room was co-ed. Yes, I had seen men there and I knew they did all radiation, I just didn't think that far in advance. I walked in the co-ed waiting room and must have been a bit startled because I dropped my purse and onto the floor fell my bra (of course) and shirt and hat. A very nice gentleman picked up my bra and handed it to me, I just about died. They all just looked at me as I turned bright red. How I wish I had a disappearing cloak at that moment in time.

I got all "settled" and in comes a woman in her wheel chair and she says "good morning all" and EVERYONE in the room (except for me) responds with a "good morning". Now I am thinking fabulous, it's a social club and I've made such a grand entrance. Of course, I am used to it, it's how it always works for me. In college I was a pro at tripping on the stairs with all my books in hand, bow in hair, and of course my letters on.....come to think of it I am a SNL skit!

AND to top it off, the men in the room were like my Dad's age and all sorts of backgrounds. I know they didn't care, they may have chuckled, but it sure was embarrassing.

They came to get me quickly (thank goodness)and took me back to this machine. I swear it could put in your make up, do your hair, feed you breakfast, get you dressed, it was like a human. I guess this is good, they don't want the radiation going anywhere it's not supposed too. Then I got in the normal position of waist high robe and hands above my head.

Then the funniest thing happened, I could see my shadow on the wall, like an overhead projector, and I got so tickled. I am not a 16 year old boy so I have no idea why I was so tickled with the shadow of my breast on the wall, but I was hysterical, tears running down my face. They kept asking me if I was ok and I was waaaayyyy to embarrassed to say I'm laughing at the shadow of my breast on the wall. I don't know why it was so funny, probably the icing on the cake for me as far as just being "exposed" goes. I did finally compose myself and they were able to give me my last two tattoos.

The fun begins on Monday at 8:30, and lasts for the next M-F 28 sessions.....

I'm Tough, really.....

Wow, does this port removal hurt. I should have known, Whit asked the Dr. if it would be a "risky" procedure and the Dr's answer was "we just have to separate the tissue from the port." Whit said this morning, he knew at that point I would be in some pain. And he is right, I think I now know what it feels like to have a bullet removed, seriously.

I am better today, very sore and not moving around much, driving with one hand. I feel like I will be regular tomorrow. I have my last "fitting" for the radiation thing (sure there is a better word for it) and I start 2/1 for 28 sessions.

Short update, can't type much, it hurts my arm!