Contemplating

Today I am a little better than last time, yay! I think all these new meds help with the association nausea and the dry heaves and the throwing up. This other medicine does seem to help with the hot/cold flashes too. Lots of drugs in me right now, I will know better in three weeks when the chemo is out and the drugs are out and I'm just on the one for the flashes. But I'm a little stronger today. I'll go get my shot in an hour or so and I'll be back in bed. Those shots are just the same as being run over by a bus and then it back up over me.

Thank you for all the opinions, suggestions, and prayers for my decision ahead of me. I really appreciate all the input. Go ahead and give it to me, it doesn't hurt to hear your real opinions, it will ultimately be me that makes the decision, but I like hearing all the different points of views.

What's a Girl to Do?

I finished chemo #4 today and I'm just not feeling that great about it. Physically I feel ok, better than #3 and I'm sitting out on my porch eating and typing. They gave me lots of new drugs today that make the nausea and association nausea much better! To help with my mega hot/cold flashes they have started me on a medication that supposedly helps with that, and I'm so glad because they are BAD.

Here is my decision delimma:

I currently take a regiment called TAC. Humans (at this point) are only allowed x amount of A from TAC. If I had done all 6 treatments A can never be used on me again. It is so toxic that that is life threatening. Meaning at that point the benefits of the chemo are no longer outweighed by the benefits of the A drug. MANY cancers use the A drug, so if I ever needed it again, I'm out of luck.

So she suggested to me to drop the A and just take two more regiments of T and C.

Then have a full course of radiation, which is five weeks.

THen I would have 6 months a MRI and 6 months a Mammogram/sonogram.

I am also currently enrolled in a study that uses a pill similar to Boniva but it's from Europe and it's not approved here yet. (you know that red tape governmentally controlled stuff) anyway the study has a 50% rate of blocking the cancer from returning. I take the pills for three year (paid for by the study) and it also makes the pain less when my bone marrow is rebuilding.

They can give me NO evidence at all between 4 and 6 regiments. She said today that I would have to follow an exercise regime, eating regime, the study, vitamins, and yoga is encouraged. I would have radiation and I would be monitored closely. But that they can not prove a difference between 4 and 6. She says most people don't make it to 6 because the toxicity levels because in the dangerous zone.

So she told me to take three weeks to decide if I want to do the T and C. (T and C are NO walk in the park).

Again, no proof it improves odds of cancer reoccurrence.

What's a girl to do?????

Chemo #4

The Dr. didn't confirm it, but said most likely tomorrow will be my last chemo treatment. I sure hope so!! Because I have no plans to show up for any more! I was whining about my treatment last night and here's what William had to say "Mom, just deal with it, one more treatment and you get to live a long life." See, no sympathy here! I understand that people don't really know what to say but I want to whine a little bit. So I'll whine on my blog.

Whaaaaaa I don't want to go tomorrow!!

#1 was tough, just knocked me out

#2 was pretty easy, up and around quickly

#3 was TERRIBLE and I was so very very sick

#4 I just want to skip

Supporters tell me it's going to be like #2, and that's what I'm going with, just to get me in the door. Just yesterday was the first day I actually drove by the building without gagging. It's the strangest thing, the word chemo makes me gag. Typing it is easier!

I haven't put up any Christmas decorations yet either. Christmas was very nice this year. We had no company at all, family being considerate of our situation and letting us have a quiet year, eerily quiet. (secret- we prefer company!) We have had no urgency at all, which is probably why all my decorations are on my dining room table and not in their boxes. I look forward to next year, crazy busy times and lots of company! :)

I received a very special card yesterday from a dear friend and in it was a donation to the American cancer society, that made me smile so big, thank you C!!!!! Those are the sweetest and really give me so much support. You have no idea how much support it takes to get me into the building tomorrow. I save it, I have a "support account" inside me that records all cards, emails, texts, and calls and that's what gets me through the door, THANK YOU!!!!

I do have some side effects kicking in, it's my two temperatures, freezing and burning. It's making sleeping very difficult, I wake up so many times a night in a sweat and then freezing, over and over and over again. It's making me look really bad, dark circles under my eyes. My eyes are acting strange. I've lost some eye lashes, but my eyes are twitching LOTS and I'm having a hard time seeing, this is lots of fun.

You know what's weird, no matter what I do today, tomorrow will come.........:(

Only Me

Guess what, I'm allergic to my wigs. Yup, you read me right, I'm allergic to my wigs. HUGE gigantic red welts all over my bald round head on Sunday. I had tried it on Saturday night and since it's cool here (remember I live in South Florida, the tropics) so I thought I would see what it felt like, so I wore it for about an hour and it was driving me crazy. I finally took it off and I looked like a light bulb with the chicken pox. I also have a huge scratch on the side of my head, not sure where that came from.

Last week we had two feet of water in several hours. We were stranded in our house and Whitney was stranded in his car, long story short I finally was able to get to him about 2am. However, on the way my car was swallowed by water and I lost the steering and was floating down the street. At this point I looked up at the sky and said out loud, "God, please stop, I can't take anymore, I need you to guide me through this water, to Whitney and back home safely without any drama."

I didn't say it in a small voice either and my window was down (stuck down) what I didn't know was there was two people standing in their yard (waist high) listening to me AND in my nervousness to get to Whitney at 1:30am, I forgot my hat, so my bald head was with me.

They started clapping and cheering "You can do it". It was at this point I just had to laugh and low and behold my car got it's steering back and an hour later we were at home AND my car still works.

See, so when my head broke out in it's huge rash, I knew I had used my "red phone line" to God and I would have to deal with this on my own.

I just sat on my bed and debated what to do. I had a session meeting before church at 9am, and I knew I would see the pastor, so I went to church in my Santa hat. I did ask before going to service if he thought I was being disrespectful and he said no. So I sat in church in my Santa hat. I will have to say it was a little uncomfortable. Then I remembered at Easter that used to the big deal, wearing a hat. That made me feel better for about 5 minutes. But I got through it and everyone was highly complimentary and sweet.

What do I do after Christmas, will I be the lost elf?

I got another beret that's hot pink with sequins on it, I wore it yesterday and got lots of compliments, got home and took it off and had a hot pink head, all the dye in the hat had rubbed off onto my very very white head.

I thought William summed it up well, "Only you Mom, only you!"

Naughty or Nice?

Yesterday was the day, I made the turn, I'm back to feeling as normal as I feel with all this fun. I think though, sometimes it would be better if I just stayed at home. Being positive and smiling and listening and answering is exhausting sometimes! It takes a lot of energy to keep ECT at bay. It's causing me to find more silver lining.

I think the general public is rather annoying anyway, but you can't really just say what you want or how you really feel because then you aren't socially acceptable and it usually has some sort of lingering effect. If you could just say what's really on your mind and people just hear it and not react personally, then (I think) conflict would be solved all around the world! But we're just not there yet in our social society. I have noticed a trend in that direction in the newer sit coms and I love it, hoping it catches on.

So what's the silver lining? I get to be socially awkward and everybody just has to put up with it! :)

Can't Trick Chemo

Yesterday I did something I have never done in 15 years of staying at home. I took a day and did what I wanted to do (between 11-1:30) and read a magazine, took a bath, watched some DVR'ed events and basically just relaxed. I was thinking if I relaxed I would trick my body into feeling better.

Didn't work, still hanging out in bed this morning. I am thinking that tomorrow I am going to be regular and then stay that way until 12/29. That doesn't mean I get to just hang out here today! William needs his wrestling clothes brought to him at 12:30, the grocery store is calling my name, Nick needs to be picked up, William needs a ride home, Nick needs a ride to swimming and William has three midterms tomorrow and Nick has one. Dinner will be another need and then it starts all over again until Friday.

It's ok, distractions are good, it "makes" me better.

Strange Trip it Is!

Thought I had it under control. I thought it took three days to lay and be zombieish and then a day to get my baring and then the next day I'm somewhat back to normal. Not the case this time. I am still not feeling well. I have had a lot more vomiting than in the past which is rather annoying because I'd rather have my toe nail extracted then throw up. I have this dry heave thing. It really disturbs my body too, it makes it really tense and then it takes me a while to unwind after this. NOT FUN, just saying.

I'm so very glad I did everything I really had to do last week. I do think it's better that my next and LAST treatment will be right after Christmas where I am sure I will have rested a bit more than last go around. I just have to get through this week (finals and project and parties and meetings) and then I'm in the clear for a while.

Then I guess we're going to have to address radiation. Sigh, more doctors, more schedulers, more appointments, more bad stuff in my body, I need to set my goals on May, where things will be done, I look forward to being done..........

Chemoville

How was chemo #3? It was awful and hit harder than any of them have hit so far. I was sick, very sick and no meds seemed to help. It completely sucked. But I'm on the upswing. Today I have been awake since 11:30 am and not laid back down, not thrown up, not had chills/sweats, and my body stopped hurting. I'm to the fun stage now of no taste (even water is gross) and shaky and moody.

I am wondering if I wore myself out before the treatment. I always feel so good right before the dreaded injections, maybe I should rest more. At least the next one is after Christmas and before New Year's. That's ok, not a big NYE fan anyway!

Someone asked me "how would you sum up Chemo". It SUCKS, that's how I would sum it up, yea you can do it and yea you survive but it just takes these HUGE chunks of reality out of your life and it is miserable. Ok, I'll try and stop whining now..........

The house is ready, bring on Christmas, today we're going to make my favorite gingerbread houses with the boys. We've done this for a while now and it's fun and it makes me smile. It's windy and rainy and humid outside, so staying inside is easy. I look foward to next week where I start to re-enter life and the world.

Thank you for checking on me and emailing me and sending me cards and funny things, even if I don't respond BELIEVE me I'm very of them!!!

Feelings About Test Resuls

I didn't hit on this earlier, but I am so so so relieved that my test results came back the way they did.....so very glad that I don't have that monkey on my back. I feel so grateful for all the prayers that I am receiving and know that that is what is really helped me this whole time.

Today's treatment was ok, they gave me one new medicine for reacting to smells. I think that's funny (not funny at the time, I was wayyyyyyy too sensitive to smells and it was making me so uky) but it's funny they actually make a pill for that. So while I'm not for drug makers running and lobbying at the detriment of the medical industry, I find it great that they make a pill for smells and block their ability to make you nauseas. That rocks.

I am always good this night, well not great, I have heart racing and nauseas and my joints ache and a massive headache but I'm not weak. I didn't finish my treatment until 4:35, but they are going to let me get my shot tomorrow at 4:45, since I had that one crash when I had to wait a day.

Sleepy, going to rest, so glad I'm down one more!!!

Genetic Testing Results

I am gene negative!! As a friend wrote, "I don't know what that means but it sounds great!" It is!!

It means that I don't carry the mutated gene that passes cancer from one family member to another. It also means I don't need to get a mastectomy or hysterectomy and they will start screening me right now for colon cancer and the insurance company will cover it. It also means that the baseline for our blood related family for mammograms will be 31 and the insurance will cover it also! (of course, this is how it relates to the current healthcare system we have).

It means that my boys are NOT at a higher risk of prostate cancer!!!!

WOW, what a relief!!!

We also chatted about the 4 vs 6 treatment plan and my Dr. is 90% on board. She wants to chat with another oncologist to make sure that is the best treatment I could get (assuming I don't do 6, they want me to do 6). Another relief.

About to start the drugs. I am trying today to have the mind set that it's ok I'm having all this in me, so that the drugs work faster, do a good job, and get out of me as soon as possible. So that's what I'm telling my mind to tell my body. I'll let you know if it works!!!

Chemo #3

Today's the day, #3. I meet with the Dr first, I am hoping they have my genetic testing results. Although I found out recently that those results can be "inconclusive" what does that mean?? I mean I know what the word means, I just didn't know that was an option for the results. That would be frustrating.

I did some things different this time, I've had a enormous breakfast (and when I get there I get to weigh-honestly for the first time in my life I don't really care what I weigh-my window of opportunity for eating is pretty small so when I can eat, I eat!) and I'm down anyway. And my appointment is a little later this go around,so I've had coffee and started laundry. I keep thinking if I do normal things my body will feel normal. I am hoping that this time I will only feel bad until Thursday. I felt better on Friday last time, that was a day sooner than the time before, so I think I can reasonably set that goal. The bad thing about the time push back is that I might not be able to get my shot on Wednesday. I sure hope so, poor Whitney has jury duty. He postponed it last time I had chemo and honestly the Broward County Justice office (I'm sure that's not the right name, but just go with me) doesn't care I have it again, he has to go this time.

All Those Who Have Been There for Me

It's so crazy, twice now I've dropped off people at the airport and had to pull over I was crying so hard. Everyone tells me, "Donita you are so strong" not feeling that strong today. When I dropped off my bff last time she was here I just bawled. Same thing today, dropped off Catherine (sil) and just had to pull over. I am not usually so emotional (family may disagree here) but I'm not, I can usually distract myself from crying so hard I have to pull over. I guess in a way cancer is providing me with the ability to grow my in strength and character, it's just such a painful growth.

Catherine didn't come because I physically wasn't ok, I couldn't be alone and Whitney was on his annual hunting trip back to Texas. I couldn't take that away from him, this year has been crazy with changes and my having cancer wasn't going to ruin his trip. I just knew I couldn't be alone and Catherine said she would come. We had a grand time, saw lots of the boys life and had some special moments that will be a smile in my memory for a while.

It's interesting those that step forward. Sometimes it's the person I don't hardly know at all that picks up my child and hauls him half way across Florida to a water polo tournament or a person who drives twice as far to bring home my child or the person who cooks repetitively for my family or the person who just calls on a regular basis to check on me and then there are those great cards. Then there are those who have known me so long that I believe it's too painful for them to believe that I am suffering with this pink path and can't bring themselves to know the current me. That's ok, I understand that, illnesses are very hard for people and I am grateful for their friendships and know that when this is all over, they will be there for me then. There are so many stages where I need so many people and I am so blessed that they have all been there for me.

I saw a man with no legs in a wheel chair when I was driving home from the airport and I thought "I hope he has someone that does something for him on a regular basis and someone there for him when he's down" I could be worse off, just the small things, like good insurance.

Tomorrow is treatment #3, which I am dreading. Trying not too, but I am. Talked myself out of a few panic attacks the last 24 hours (much thanks to Catherine and great distractions and knowing that if I did freak out she would be there to calm me down) and I'm trying to just breathe. I believe there are stages to just getting ready to take the chemo. I think you are 1) denial 2) anger 3) resentment 4)acceptance. I am currently just short of acceptance, but I'll be there before tomorrow morning.

Hat update: I have received positive feedback from the Santa hat all weekend. No crazies or rude comments, just positive reinforcement that I am indeed "in the Christmas spirit"!!! Maybe postal druggie doesn't care for Christmas!!

Here We Go Again

I've had company the last weekend, she's done a wonderful job of distracting me that I have chemo on Tuesday. I just don't want to go, I don't want to go at all. I will try not to whine, but the good weeks are good and it's tough to want to sign up for this again.

My taste buds are still annoyingly not working, but hey......

Still wearing the Santa Hat and now I just get TONS of comments, it's funny/sweet/interesting and hey, it's a head piece. I'm thinking about going nude, I tried to wear the wig, it just itches like crazy!!!

Loved my company, glad to see my husband again tomorrow and very grateful that I have someone who took days off work, left their own family, took time out of their holiday season and boarded a plane to come and babysit me for the weekend. I love my family, all of them!!!!

Been Thinking

I've been trying to figure out why I'm so bugged by the fudge. I thought I would dig deep into my thoughts (and you know, that was a short trip, my brain is rather shallow these days) and I think I may have figured it out.

When you're faced with enormous obstacles in your life, one tends to just swallow hard and do what your supposed to do. Sure you might have a mad day or a sad day or a "why me" day, but over all you suck it up and do it. If that means losing body parts or having surgery or bad bad mean chemicals or having numerous tests or whatever, you just do it.

I think what makes the fudge so difficult is that is the tiny things that really (after time) seem to get to you. The tiny things seem so much harder to overcome. And I know that people who aren't going through this don't always understand because it seems logical that all of the tiny stuff will eventually be able to come back to you whereas body parts don't, and one should be able to move past it easily.

I think it's because the big stuff requires so much of your positive "I can do this" attitude and you really get "up" for it but the small stuff hits you out of the blue with no warning and it just seems so much harder to overcome. There doesn't seem to be an end in sight with the small stuff either, and again with the big stuff you have more of a "schedule" to rely on, small things are simply just little surprises (not good surprises) all the time.

There becomes a mountain of surprises and one day you just can't do it anymore, it's the surprise that crumbled the mountain, you know the straw that broke the camels back, it just becomes harder and harder to keep that smile going.

Don't worry I can still "do it" I'm just getting close to being pushed past the point of no return........

This Might Actually Break Me

I think I've been a relatively good sport about:

1) random rude comments

2) strange stares

3) being scared about living a long life

4) going back for surgery after the first one didn't quite cut it

5) port problems

6) port problems

7) stupid Dr schedulers

8) losing my hair

9) spending a TON of money on cancer

10) chemo

11) upcoming radiation

12) not getting to go to football games

13) not getting to go to swim meets

14) no nail polish

15) missing family parties

16) not seeing my family

17) having three new scars

18) being very nauseas

19) being prodded and prodded

but the one thing that might actually break me............... I have no taste buds right now and I can't taste my Grandmother's Christmas fudge that I made, who can celebrate Christmas without being able to taste the fudge?? :(

Santa Hat

I've been sporting a Santa hat lately. Not one of my $100+ wigs or my 300 hats, but a Santa hat. I've always worn one, you know, I'm just a little fun sometimes. :) I'm wearing my hat because to me mostly everyone knows I'm in chemo and my hair is gone, so it seems silly to wear my wig around people who already know I'm bald. I feel like a bad magician.

Yesterday I went to the post office (I know, the post office again) and I am standing in line with the rest of Hollywood and this lady walks up to me, stares and me and walks off. I am getting used to the staring part, so I didn't think much about it. Then as I am one away from being called, she walked up to me and said "I think you look ridiculous in that hat." Oh dear, ECT is now unleashed..........

"Would you rather stare at my big bald chemo head" ECT says smiling.

"NEXT, shouts out the postal worker"

I walk up to go get in line and leave the lady with her mouth hanging open. She then follows me to my line and says....

"You know, they make wigs for that" mean old witch says.

"I know, I own two of them, but this is the holiday season and it's supposed to be filled with joy and I find joy in my hat, last time I checked there was no city ordinance against wearing Santa hats in public in Hollywood, FL, so I plan on continuing to wear my hat with or without your blessings, and may your holiday season be filled with love and joy." ECT responds.

Then I go about doing what I went to the post office to do and she just stands there. Finally, a man behind her says "hey, leave her alone, she looks awesome in her Santa hat and I bet it made everyone in here smile." The audience gives a collective nod.

End of the day.....

mean lady O

bald chemo Santa wearing hat chick 1

:) people are crazy!!! Sometimes good crazy, sometimes just crazy!

Happy Thanksgiving

Wow, what a year for thanks. I am not thrilled with this year's health outcome for me, but it does have some silver linings, for which I am grateful.

I have found how many friends I have and how wonderful they have treated me this year.

I know (aside from this removed cancer) I am very healthy-I've had every test run.

I know I have a wonderful family that is extremely supportive and unconditionally loves me.

I know I have an extended family that is as supportive and wonderful as anyone could ask for.

I an grateful for the pink path introducing me to some of the most wonderful people on the planet that I otherwise would have never known.

I'm grateful for my church, they have such wonderful prayers and have wrapped their arms around me.

I am so very blessed...........Happy Thanksgiving to all!

Surprise!

I was having such a quick recovery. I was up and around much quicker and better than last time and actually very proud of myself.

Then all of a sudden in it's "been hit by a bus" way it hit me again tonight. The nauseas and the stomach burning and the achy body, it's all back. I know (since I try and learn from the past) that this will pass in a day or two and in a day or two I will be 94% fine until my next chemo (still-at this point-not committing too-ok really- we know I am bluffing-but if I say that I feel like I have some control over this entire situation that I never have any control over-but I'm not frustrated with that at all :)) and enjoy the holidays like everyone else.

However tonight not feeling that groovy. I always take feeling bad so personally, like if I had done abc and not def then I would be fine tonight, I absolutely will not let this cancer or the chemo have any possession over me at all, so silly, maybe if I could just let go and let the chemo run it's course and understand that the cancer is gone, then I would feel better right now.

See, always making excuses for feeling bad, I just need to say "to heck with it, I just feel bad", there I feel better. (I do recognize the giant circle here-help stop me- I've fallen and I can't get up.....)

Looking forward to more progression in the "feeling good" category tomorrow. I almost forgot, ECT cut loose today. I was standing in line at the post office (along with everyone in the city of Hollywood) and I was about 20 people back in line and there were about 20 people in back of me. I had two large sacks of boxes to mail and I was sliding them on the floor. The lady standing behind me in line asked me.....

"Can I go ahead of you, I just have one box"

I just stood there for what seemed five minutes (must have been ECT arriving) I was like "really?"

ECT responded, "I don't know, it depends on when I get up there. You know the person in front of me only has one item and the three people behind you only have one item, this isn't like the grocery story, you aren't behind me in the same check out, you will go to the next available teller, and if I let you go, when does it end?"

She didn't speak to me again. I was really irritated, why do people feel like their time is more valuable than my time? In a grocery store, I get that, but this is a post office. And to top it off, when I was done mailing my $103 worth of boxes, she was STILL at her check out person-arugeing with them.............

The Boxes I Can Control

I am doing much better this Saturday morning than I did "last" Saturday morning. I am stronger and able to keep more down and other than staying away from germs am doing my normal stuff.

I will have to say there is such am emotional side to all of this, as I watched William, Whitney, and Nick drive off this morning, I was sad. William's team won (YAY LIONS!!) their first round in the District 2B (Florida) football playoffs last night and I was there in spirit through texts and friends. Nick has a seed meet today to post times for the swim championship meet weekend after next. I wasn't there to cheer for any of it. I get it too, I get that parents can't possibly make everything......... but that's my job............and this isn't by choice. It's my job to get them where they belong and to drive them to do their best. I am taking some well documented time off but it still makes me very sad to miss these things. Everyone tells me "this time is for you" "you can't do everything" but at the end of the day, NO ONE asked me if I WANTED to do any of this and the end result is it makes me sad.

It's hard enough to stay "up" for all of this pink path stuff. It's hard enough to smile and say "I feel good, thanks for asking" or "Honey, I am there in spirit, I am cheering for you" or "no, I don't want to have any company or go anywhere for the holidays" with a smile and just being grateful for a second chance at life. There is so much responsibility that goes with being "sick".

It wedges its way into your entire life and rearranges all the things that you already know and know how to do, it presents an entire new way of life, while all coming at the speed of light with little time to adjust or respond, and it's all without choice. I think that's what is hard to grasp for me, right now, and to ice the cake, you have to do it in a completely weakened emotional and physical state.

I know this sounds ridiculous, but today I'm getting out the Christmas boxes, they make me smile and unlike missing play off games and swim meets and gathering of friends and family get togethers, I can control the boxes.

Throws of Chemo

I understand being in the throws of chemo is tough, but let me just say, it's tough. I am sad today and I'm sure it's just my hormones moving around changing lanes and becoming complete new hormones (guess my old ones weren't good enough) but I'm sad that I'm stuck on the couch or in the bed. No yesterday I wasn't as bad as the first time, but I wasn't much better, I could walk alone and that was my biggest accomplishment. Last week I was all but normal having a large time and enjoying my friends and family. This week I've been hit by a bus and I'm back on the couch/bed doing nothing and I hate it.

I hate that I know I'm going to be hit by a bus two more times and know what to expect. I am doing things better and I'm not as nauseas and I'm not as weak but I'm still very uncomfortable and mad. These are the days that I question everything I've ever eaten, drank, where I've lived and wonder what did this to me.

I have such a wonderful support group and I couldn't do it without every single one of you, but I'm still mad and I'm mad mad mad that I'm a breast cancer patient soon to be survivor, so I think I'll go take a nap and see if I can use my energy a little bit better towards myself instead of my anger.

Rough Day

Very weak, been asleep since yesterday, only up to go to the restroom and drink water. A little better than last time, having someone type for me.........

Praying for more strength tomorrow......

Shot Day

I'm not 100% but I'm doing ok. I am sleepy, nauseas, weak, horrible metallic taste in my mouth, having a hard time eating or drinking but forcing myself on both of those, and have a headache. They were supposed to give me the steroid that has less of a headache then the one they gave me the first time and I will give them some credit it was less of a headache but I've still got one.

Went and got my shower and shot, so I'm probably done for the day back in the bed or on the couch. I hope tomorrow isn't that bad, although it's supposed to be my "worst" day and last time proved that to be true.

Have I mentioned that I loathe chemo and I'm a little irritated today that I even have to do this. I get it, but that doesn't make it any better. I know I'm down and I'm ok with being down because this completely bites and let me repeat, I get it.

Still no results on the gene test, that makes me nervous, and they ignored me again yesterday when I brought up the four instead of six treatments but I feel victorious because they can't make me come!!!

Time to go back to resting and thank you for all the encouraging words, you can't tell from today's entry, but they really keep me up and going.

Chemo #2 Part two

I am home, got home at 2:30pm and my sweet friend stayed with me and brought me home. Whitney had to do the parental duties and my sweet Mom had to go home.

I'm in bed, just watching tv and resting. Nauseas and tired, bit of a headache, but feel ok. I get my shot tomorrow at 2:30, I think that's good, I'm hoping to NOT crash this time.

Thank you for all the love and support and emails and texts and love notes and packages in the mail. I'll tell you again and again, they REALLY help! :)

Chemo #2 Part one

Here I sit in my most favorite Memorial Regional East breast center. I have (guess....... come on) 1) given blood (although I was told not to give blood anymore through my arm but only through my port-they don't want to access my port unless my blood count clears to begin chemo-they can only do that through my arm.......can you see this ridiculous circle? And when I try and tell the tech that the ladies in the back said.........the ladies in the back have no memory of that.......but whatever it's already done) 2) weighed (huge surprise, I'm down a few ;p) 3) given a history of all meds taken the last 24 hours and reviewed my name, birthday, and patient #.........whew.......I passed!

I am now sitting waiting for my doctor or more realistically nurse practitioner to come speak to me. ECT is already in trouble, I am doing a study and I am not taking the pills exactly as prescribed, you know I've forgotten TWICE and accidentally only took one pill the first two days instead of two pills. I didn't take it the first two days because I thought I had swallowed gasoline and the pills just made me feel worse, but the second I felt like I could keep them down I did. The problem is I have to take these pills first thing in the morning with nothing in my stomach and no food or drink or laying down for 45 minutes. That makes it tough, no coffee no food for 45 minutes, so on the weekends it's really tough to do since we have family breakfasts and enjoy coffee on the front porch and sometimes I lay back down. Again, it's a study and this "study employee" (that's really her job to oversee all the studies, etc available to us) is really not happy with me and I now have to keep a "pill log". Can't I just subtract from the number of pills they gave me from the days? Let me clarify this, I think it's an awesome opportunity and a wonderful job she has, she just doesn't have to be so mean, I'm doing the best I can do right now!

Talked to the nurse practitioner and off I go to Chemoville. Guess what, no blood return on the port, sigh. But since I had a port-o-gram (I think that's a funny name, grams are usually associated -in my mind-with good news not port working news) they are using my port anyway. I guess the port-o-gram says, it works use it. Getting the "A" right now of the TAC and it's the red one that never loses it's color, even processed. I am drinking my new kick butt water, Evolv, and just said goodbye to my Mom. That was less than fun, I'll miss her she's been a huge help. We cooked so much and ran all those errands and she drove the boys everywhere. It's gotta be really hard on her being so far away. I am waiting for my sweet friend J to come and join me for a little bit and just got off the phone with my TX three who are having a fun weekend together in Austin, I think I'll plan on joining them next year!

Starting the "C" of TAC, at least we're moving forward!

Chemo Eve

I have been staring at my pills that I have to take for about 3 hours, we are having a "Mexican Stand off" there stands the pills and here I sit. They are still in the container..........I will take them........probably...........most likely..........

Why you ask, it's because I know that taking the pills just starts the cycle all over again and unfortunately it's not like childbirth and I have time to forget, I have a very fresh memory of what's going to happen this week and I recall how badly it completely sucks.

I really hope they tell me if I have the gene tomorrow, because if I don't, then I will be half way done tomorrow and I'm really hoping for that outcome!

Here's what I look like bald

Chemo Day #2 Eve

ECT is really in a quandary today, she is wanting to pack a bag and get on the nearest plane going anywhere but to the Breast Cancer Center tomorrow. I mean she knows that the cancer is gone and it's just preventative at this point, she's a risk taker and a gambler, why not just take the "wait and see approach?"

Good thing Donita is her other half and is the responsible one that goes to all the appointments and doesn't flea the county when it's chemo time. I don't want to do this either, at all, and have done a good job of distracting myself but I would really like to crawl up in the bed and just pull the covers over my head for the next couple of days.

Sigh, hopefully I'm half way done tomorrow!

Game Time Fun

Spent the day at the Dolphins game with NO HAIR!! I took about five hours yesterday to decide what I was going to do and finally decided to wear my bandana with my cowgirl hat that my sweet friends in Texas sent to me. I was worried, but no one seemed to notice and if they did notice they didn't make any faces or stare at me. That was a little reassuring.

And how crazy is this, I had a complete bald spot and there are tiny hairs growing back, like razor stubble, it's crazy! It's making me think I'm losing my mind. Except I go back on Tuesday for more chemo, so I think it will probably fall out again.....wonder how long this goes on?

I guess each of these baby steps are what's required through these different chemo steps. I am being positive, or at least trying to be as positive as possible, but I am NOT excited about my next chemo on Tuesday. At least I know my third week is a good week, that's something to look forward too!

She's's a Flasher!

ECT has been poking her head around. If you've forgotten who ECT is, she's my Evil Cancer Twin and she is really being naughty lately. Her newest thing is to flash people. People have been asking me "how's your hair", well, my hair no longer has any feelings, since it's gone on a vacation.

While Donita goes to say "I am fine, thank you for asking" ECT jumps right in the middle of things and leaps straight to the flashing. It's really funny to see people's face, you know, it's like a terrible accident. You don't mean to look or really want to look, but you sure are curious. So when someone asks me about my hair ECT just flashes them the bald head.

Doesn't matter where we are, in a restaurant parking lot, at the swimming pool, at the ocean, in the store, she just whips off that wig and hat and shows the old science experiment to anyone who will look.

Sure hope it's just a "phase!" And if you live around me, beware, you might get that flash!!

More Success

Wow, it's really my "week" I successfully went down to the beach with a hair piece on and the wind blowing and it was FINE!!!! William's school had a walk-a-thon and I had on my hair piece with a neon lime green (really, can you image that me in a green or blue or pink hat?) with sparkles on it. William's school is Catholic and they are divided into houses and one of the houses walked by and their color is green. I was sitting on the broadwalk on the beach and they yelled out "Let's give it up for the lady in the green hat" and they all started clapping and being silly. It made me laugh so loud, kids (people in general) are so sweet to us baldies. And yes, they know I'm Will's Mom and they know I have cancer and they probably figured out I'm bald. But it made my day more than those sweet high schoolers will ever know!

Who said high schoolers were the devil??? :)

And I keep seeing people and no one freaks out when they see me, that makes me feel good too!

Science Experiment

My head looks like a science experiment. I have a section of complete baldness, a section of shaved and a section of sparsely growing (looks like corn) and then some crazy fuzzy hair that just sticks out. Honestly, I have to giggle when I see it, it's ridiculous.

I usually wear a little cap that's skin colored around the house to avoid the family stares and the fact that you can see in my windows at night (would really scare the neighbors) but had it off a minute ago and William came around the corner, looked at me and just kept going right around the corner. It was funny, I guess I'll keep the cap on in mixed company.

I have to compliment my husband, he's so wonderful. When he looks at me I usually don't have on the hid-a-cap and he doesn't blink an eye, he doesn't look away, he just kisses my head and tells me I'm beautiful. Isn't that sweet, he's the best.

I wish I had more guts to take a picture of this science experiment and I'm not joking, I just look at my head and smile, it's truly one of the most ridiculous things I've ever seen and it's on my head.

My Mom is very proud of the fact that I have a perfectly round head and small flat ears. No Mickey Mouse for me. She said she turned me every 20 minutes so I would have a perfectly round head unlike my Dad who had flat head in the back (apparently my Grandmother was not aware of the 20 minute flip rule). Wasn't that nice of her, to have the foresight to make sure my head was perfectly round incase my hair ever fell out?

I did it!!!

This morning I woke up to less hair, but anticipated it so I slept with a cap on. I stood over the bathroom sink and just kept pulling (not really pulling since it just glides out) until I had another small animal in the sink. I thought at this rate it would take me a week to fully shed, so I went and got the shaver. I shaved a small section in the front and it was surprisingly painful and stubby. So I put away the shaver and got out the scissors and cut it as close to my head as possible and chopped away until it was all in the sink. Again, did this tear free, which I was proud of myself.

Then I got out one of my hair pieces and my cute black "French" hat and wore it all day long. NO ONE knew it wasn't my hair. It was crazy and it was ok, I made it out in public with my hair piece and no one stared at me or made fun of me.

I finally did it, months of anticipation, and I made it through with no tears and no embarrassment. Another "first" on the pink path completed, I can breathe a little easier now!

Shower Surprise

I thought I'd better wash away my blues and take a shower. Turned out to be way more than I bargained for.........apparently my hair is ready to come out. I was washing it and when I went to rinse it large pieces came out in my hand. I thought I'd just be done with it, so I got a comb and started combing through my hair. Done with it doesn't even come close, it just kept coming and coming and coming, like the Energizer bunny.

It was weird, I thought I would cry and be hysterical, but I wasn't, I didn't even cry-not one tear. I just kept running the comb through my hair pulling out large sections. I think this could have gone on forever, my hands were pruney. I decided that was enough for one day and once I cleaned up all the hair all around the shower, I was glad I had stopped. How much hair does a human have exactly?

I'm prepared (as my dear friends would say) I've got the wigs, hats and all ready to go and huge chunks of missing hair on my head. I posted earlier I wasn't sure about shaving my head, I guess I'll wait and see if this happens every time I wash my hair. At this rate I should only be washing my hair about three more times.

I feel a little sorry for my housekeeper I see lots of vacuuming and sweeping in her future. A little relieved I am not sobbing on the bed. I finally thought I would compare it to having a husband travel. You know they will be gone for a while and you function fully without them, and then they return.

Not happy about soon to be baldness, but accepting it...................

Monday Blues

I am sure that my hormones are messing with me, but I am just not in a good mood today. The wind is blowing 100 mph and it's yucky to be outside and I'm just tired. I can't seem to shake the tiredness. ALL I've done today is watch tv, pick up Nick, and sleep.

And watch my hair come out. I can't decide whether or not I should just shave it or let it come out and just see what's left........of course, a small furry animal falls out about once an hour..........so I'd better hurry up and make up my mind!

Hair Dilemma!

I can't seem to get past the hair. I haven no idea why it isn't logical at all. I understand it will grow back and be "better than the past" "wish I'd had this hair for years" "am so thankful it's only hair" but I'm still not okay with it. It doesn't really matter, just like all of this cancer stuff, it doesn't really matter what I want or how I feel, it does whatever it wants. My hair is starting to fall out, not in handfuls, but enough for me to say "my hair is starting to fall out". It makes me so very sad.

Everyone has tried to make me ok with this, and I recognize and appreciate it, but I am simply not ok. I don't want to be bald and I don't want to wait 2-3 years for my hair to look like it never went through chemo, even though this cancer bully will do what it wants.

I have a wonderful array of hats and wigs and scarfs and I understand that I will be socially acceptable (and pitied) for the condition of my hairless head and with all this understanding, I am still naively hanging on to the .01% chance that my hair won't fall out. Am I an ever dying optimist or what??

I was wondering, does the cancer card get you the "skip a birthday and do it next year" option??

Happy Friday

I am glad to report that today has been rather uneventful. I continue to seek and find what foods I can actually eat. That's a challenge. It feels like I ate gasoline so much that it's not worth the food. However, I am staying hydrated (with awesome new water-thanks D!!!!) and as long as I'm hydrated life seems pretty reasonable.

Walked on the beach for the first time in two weeks, that was absolutely delightful! I am a little tired this afternoon, getting ready to watch some funny movies with my Mom.

Excited about this weekend, get to have a birthday lunch with my awesome friends and dinner with my family!! I think, you know, life is easier with Mom!!! :)

Mom's Here!!

I am so glad that my Mom is here!! I can relax just a little, you know life is always better when your sick and your Mom is with you. Pretty rough couple of days, I am fully functioning, just feel really yucky. I have new medication, I think it works, I guess it works, I am not sure I don't have anything to compare this too!

Every day i s a new adventure, adventure being a loose term, since I wouldn't call this fun.

First Appointment Post Chemo

Happy Story first: yesterday the mailman brought me four boxes, not all that surprising I have a birthday this week (sigh), two were from my favorite in-laws, one from my college friends, and one from Kansas. I know no one in Kansas (ok one person wasn't them!) My awesome college friends sent me some really cool new hats, a cowboy hat, a pink hat and a fun black hat. LOVE them all!! Sad I have to have them, but love them. The one from Kansas had a teddy bear and a letter and some vitamins. Background information, my brother is a Red Raider (I'm an Aggie) and he posted about me having chemo on the red raider board and there was a lot of wonderfully sweet responses. He sent me the link and I told them thank you for being so sweet to a sad little Aggie (TAMU beat TT for the first time in 16 years-they really really don't like the Aggies) and I reminded them that it was nice to see TAMU win and they were still nice!! Anyway, the box was from one of the posters on the TT board that had a note about how cancer was beatable and how he had done it (twice) and how I could "Beat the helloutta cancer" (which is a TAMU thing, really sweet of a Raider to use, you have to be from TX to get the rivalry there) and probably one of the sweetest letters I have ever read. I was dissolved into tears in the living room with a bear in my lap. Canceronians are really very sweet people, I feel so blessed to have so many arms around me. Wanted to share that there are the sweetest people out there in the world.

As far as today goes, all morning long I have been mega nausea, which is puzzling me. I did realize last night that I am probably going to be a roller coaster of emotions, ready to ride??

Anyway, I drove William to school and I pass the breast cancer place every time I go to his school. Getting the picture, I pass it at least 2-4 times a day. Now when I go by it, I get a weird feeling. Not great for me. I am sitting in the building feeling really bad right this second. I think I'm afraid of this place, natural conditioning. One of my fellow canceronians was telling me that it would be hard to willingly drive yourself to chemo after a while, I totally get that! As I sit in the waiting room (my friend C will appreciate this based on her fb post today) there were various stages of cancer around and then just the Hollywood factor was there too (think Austin weird) and it is just a strange looking bunch of people. Some have hair, some don't, some look bald and are wearing an outfit like Jimmy Connor (headband and all) and some look just sick. I kinda want to leave.

I left off when they called me in, I was so relieved when they said no labs today, YAY!!! I tried to tell her about only 4 cycles instead of 6, she just kinda of ignored me! Can't make me go after four.........just saying! I sat with another canceronian (my sweet friend S) and it actually was good for me. I know that sounds a little selfish because I was there for her, she was getting chemo, but it was good to be in the room and feel somewhat ok.

Also, side note, just because something happened to me DOES NOT mean the same will happen to you (if your in treatment).

The Dr. gave me a new nausea medication and I had a delightful lunch with my sweet friend and I ATE which was good! I do feel better not completely good but better. I have some funny thoughts (I crack myself up) and I was debating about whether or not to share. But hey, it's my blog, if you don't want to know, don't read!!!

Anyway, you know how sometimes you use the restroom and you wonder what in the world is that? I mean you've never eaten anything that remotely resembles it and you are pretty sure you aren't growing anything inside of yourself, it's really quite puzzling. Usually blow it off and resume normal activities. However, this has happened to me every day for the last 5-6 days. My imagination is really overactive and I feel like the chemo is literally eating parts of my body and spitting them out. It doesn't hurt and I'm not uncomfortable, I just have some really strange stuff exiting the building. Creeping me out, just a bit.

On that note, have a sunny day!!!

Singing Praises

Wow, am I one happy chemo chick!! I have a healthy non mump boy and a body that is working with me today. I am fine, like I've never been fine. Ok, well I feel like I'm about 10 weeks pregnant, a little sleepy and nausea but compared to last week I'm AWESOME!!!

I have made the decision (unless I'm gene positive) for certain that I will only do the four treatments instead of six. There's apparently no reason to do six and I'm having radiation, so WHY??

I am just so happy to be normal. No one is here, I'm preparing dinner, folding glorious laundry, paying awesome bills and just gloating over my view of this giant yacht and the beautiful Atlantic InterCoastal waterways and when I go upstairs, I see the beautiful Atlantic Ocean. I love the ocean. I love Florida. I love the people here, they are awesome. Of course, my Texas peeps are the most awesomeist, really I am just happy to have so many wonderful friends and family all around the USA and the world!!

My Mom comes tomorrow which means we'll get all the ducks in a row for a good while and it will be good to hug my Mom. Something about being sick, I just want Whitney and my Mom and of course the boys and my mil too, she's great!

I just can't tell you how great it feels to be typing and talking and walking and eating. I have decided that apparently I abused my body as much as anyone needs to in my teens/twenties, so I am taking this opportunity to make it up to myself. I am eating quite healthy and wise (preparing those genes for next go around) and resting and exercising with caution. I will NOT be down like I was last time, that was really scary.

Also, I've gotten many responses that many people's chemo is NOT cumulative, so the worst is behind me. That's what I've decided.

It's good to be back to be positive and ready to fight.

It's a Much Better Day

Today was a much better day!! Slept a ton (forgot to set clocks back!!) and then got up super early and spent some time just reflecting and praying and enjoying the atmosphere. We went to our organic market and I got hot, so we jumped in the ocean, in our CLOTHES!!! It was so fun and a much needed relaxation that always rejuvenates me. We did some changing of the decorations and napped and had a very healthy lovely dinner. I barely have a taste left in my mouth and food tastes great!

I have decided that unless my gene testing comes back positive, that I am going to talk to the oncologist about only doing 4 treatments instead of 6. It is my understanding that they can't prove any positive difference (negative either) between doing 4 and 6 and I'm thinking I'm good with 4 and radiation. Geez, the cancer is gone, this is preventative, I think 4 is good. I just hope Dr. Oncologist agrees with me!! It doesn't change the dose or anything, it's just more preventative.

I have a Dr's appointment on Tuesday, we'll chat then!!

Nick as his Dr's appointment tomorrow for mump, pray he's released and back to his middle school haven, I think he actually missed school after being quarantined for a week!!

I'm glad to be back, still require a few extra rests, but SO SO SO much better!!

First Flirt with Chemo Response

Wow, is about all I can come up with. I mean wow, if your in treatment now and don't want to know, stop reading!!!

Thursday morning we got up to go get my white blood count shot and I was well on my way to a collapse. I was so weak, so nausea, so white.......... so bad. I barely made it home from the shot and I could not WALK, I mean I couldn't do anything. Thank goodness for the bestest man on the planet, Whitney, he had to be me and him that day. I remember coming home and barely making it into bed and then I remember Friday and that's about it. I know I couldn't feed myself or hold anything and I was so very sick. Cold-hot-cold-hot crying sleeping for 48 hrs straight.

It really scared me, I'm tough to keep down, I mean surgery and I'm going that day, babies-that day, nothing keeps me down. I met my match.

Next time I will get my shot sooner, so I shouldn't "crash" quite as bad. They say it's cumulative, which I don't mind telling you scares the bejesus out of me. I couldn't feed myself or walk how much worse can it get? I know, a little drama queen here, but never have I been that way ever!!

Ok, so that's where I've been, in bed, not watching tv or sneaking in facebook, just trying to make it. This morning I got up at 7:30am and had a regular breakfast, did three loads of laundry, watered the flowers and guess where I am..............back in bed. :(

I have no taste buds, they seem to have already left, I can only tell the difference between hot and cold and my hair is leaving rather quickly. Eating lots of ice and not brushing my hair.

This is a path for sure, I guess it will take me and my family a while to navigate down it, I tell you one thing, I pray that they find a cure and that no one has to suffer, NO ONE should have to feel this way, ever.

I really can feel your prayers and love and thoughts wrapped around me. Whitney needs them too, so do the boys, I think that it scared everyone pretty bad.................strong Mom..... DOWN!

Port Fixed!

They took me in, put the needle in the port, injected the dye and I'm good to go. Just kidding, it wasn't that easy!

They did put the needle in and I forgot the numbing cream (very sad face-makes a huge difference to me) but I'm tough so it wasn't too bad. Then they flushed it with saline (don't care for the taste at all-screams hospital) and then heprin (sp?) and then they wheeled me into the OR that they did the procedure in and I got to wait a little while.

It was actually a very good thing that I had to wait, I took a much needed nap. Then they put the radioactive dye (side note-I have had SO much of this radioactive dye in the last five years, I bet when a hurricane comes I can light up our house, our own personal generator) and then they took a lot of pictures.

They let me see the pictures, which was actually a very good thing because my imagination as to what and where my port and all the wires were was waaayyyy off what was actually going on inside. That made me feel TONS better, should have asked the first time. Of course, I was half out of it.

They think what happened was my tube that connects to the port in my vein has gone up against the side of my vein and my body doesn't quite know what to do with it, so it is growing around it causing fibrous tissue to form around it and that's the clot that was in the way yesterday. So hopefully now with a good flushing and liquid plumber I will be good to go next time. I was so grateful no new port or anything.

At home, about to get Nick going on his mump homework and probably nap, I'm feeling a little glassy eyed!

Port Overhaul-waiting room

Here I am in my most favorite place of late, the hospital waiting room. They actually (no kidding) know my name by heart, they say "good morning Caledonia" -that's my real name-incase you didn't know that-Caledonia is how the hospital, doctors, any medical personnel know me! Donita is a nick name, I am the 6 or 7th Caledonia in our family. My grandmother went by Caledonia my Mom by Donia and I am Donita-little Donia in Spanish-I was born in Bolivia, South America. My 2nd cousin goes by Callie (I think I would have preferred that but my Mom didn't like Aunt Callie so it was a no go!) It means "old Scotland" so yes, I am somewhat Scottish. My first language was Spanish and of course English, I've lost a lot of the Spanish. I did well with it through high school growing up in El Paso, TX and then didn't need it much in College Station, TX or Dallas, TX but I'm happy to say that now I'm in South Florida I use it quite a bit and it's coming back!!! I have no Latin back ground, my parents are from the states. Ok, enough with the history lesson.

This is what happens when I have too much time in the waiting room! :) Although I was very excited when I got here and my favorite chair was empty waiting for me.

I'm urked I am even in the hospital waiting room. I didn't sleep well last night, but that's not surprising, they loaded me up with steroids yesterday. I would say I was restless and today I am a very rosy color. I feel mostly ok, I feel like I'm first trimester pregnant, a little queasy and shaky but I've already had some laughs this morning.

Poor Nick was like "am I going to be alone all day today too?" Mump boy isn't enjoying being sick and alone and quarantined to his room. Who knew he would ever tire of XBox?

Back to the port, I was thinking last night, that I am just the "2nd" patient. Most procedures I've ever had I've had to had "tweaked" again. Sometimes the machine just breaks and I have to do it twice. Why would this be any different? Usually it's just twice and I always cost them more. :) Isn't that evil that I have a sense of satisfaction that they have to pay for their mistake, that's definitely ECT, not sweet Caledonia! :)

I think they are going to open the top incision and run some dye through it. Yesterday at the end of my chemo the port finally opened up, but as the nurse explained to me, if the port is not in correctly and those chemicals were just floating around my body I'd have about an hour left on earth. Ok, let's fix the port and use my hand for chemo. They can't always use my hand because I have weak veins (found that out two years ago when my dura exploded) and they collapse easily. I drank lots of water this morning so my veins would cooperate. They can only use my left arm to do anything in because my right arm is missing some lymph nodes so they can't use that arm, ever. I drank water all day Monday and Tuesday morning for the vein thing and my veins were still difficult yesterday. Probably has something to do with my blood pressure averaging 96/68. Yesterday she got it in and the blood was taking it's sweet time flowing, she was getting so frustrated. This was in the lab where I donated 5-6 viles to my collection. I personally think my blood is very happy where it is and doesn't want to leave.

Dye and check it out. They will probably say, "we got blood immediately" go home, but I am going to make them really check it out, I don't want any chemo drugs "floating around" my body, that makes me very nervous.

More to come.........I'll stop babbling!

Chemo #1 Post #2

Port is jammed and they can't get me in for a catheter replacing, I will have to go tomorrow to do that. They are going to give me the chemo the traditional way in my arm. We haven't started yet, it's 12:18pm, so I'm going to be here a while.

Nervous, po'ed, you already know how much I HATE this port and the flipping thing doesn't work, I'm so FRUSTRATED, but I'm smiling that gigantic Garfield smile!!!

I was beating Whit at gin until just now, I have to go beat him again! :)

PRAYERS PRAYERS PRAYERS

Updated 12:55

We're doing the tummy and nausea medication first, that has 15 min left on it and then they start the A of the TAC and then the T/C.

Chemo #1 Post #1

Here we are, Nick is taken care of because he's at home, and we don't need to worry about him. So maybe him having the mumps is going to be very helpful. No need to worry about picking him up, practice, etc. Just need to worry about him wearing his mask and walking around with his can of lysol. He's quite the germ-a-phobe and he's less than thrilled to be stuck in his room for a week. It was cute, he was off last Friday and he said "I wish I had another week off." I told you, see you better be careful what you wish for, your stuck in your room until Monday! My sweet friend John got William this morning so we didn't have to "waste" 30 minutes between school and chemo.

We got here on time, which if you know us is a feat, and came in paid and then while I was setting up the computer got up a CHAIR MASSAGE!!!! It was awesome, no thinking for me, just had a massage. And wouldn't you know, when she was done it was time for me to come back. They do the usual weighing, blood pressure (actually in the 100's today, must be alive) and temp. Now we sit and wait for a chat (probably talk about mumps, etc) and then I give some more of my blood. I think I'm going to start charging them for my blood. I have to take a pill and then we start the drip.

I went and gave six vials of blood, for the genetic testing and the study I'm also enrolled in for bone density. That was less than fun, but at least I didn't pass out. I am back in the chemo room. Sat and visited with my chemo friend (she's here too) filled out more paper work and now we're waiting for my port to share blood. Apparently I'm a little dehydrated (I don't know HOW I drank an entire lake of water yesterday because I anticipated this I am always dehydrated). Can't get my port to give blood, must be a clot. :) It's me.

She is now going to give me activase, it's like liquid plumber for people. :)

Add an extra half hour to the day.......

Chemo Eve Day Morning

I thought today I would be walking and getting my nails taken off (the gel on top of my nails) but NO, it's 8:15am and I'm at the dentist office. Nick has a cheek the size of a squirrel storing 100 nuts for winter. Poor baby, he looks like a lopsided chipmunk. I thought it was incredibly sweet of him to be the designated "take Mom's mind off having chemo tomorrow" candidate for the family.

We had a great weekend, game for Will on Friday, swim meet all day Saturday, dinner with girlfriends on Saturday night, Sunday the organic market and the beginning of Nick's huge face and then the Dolphins game. I personally really enjoyed the game because 1) it was my first dolphins game and we were on the 50th yard line in awesome seats 2) we were playing the Saints and my two favorite teams growing up were the Dolphins and the Saints so I was happy with the outcome, regardless of who won.

The dentist said that it's not his tooth, so we're now at the pediatrician's office waiting for him to be checked out. We have an appointment with the ENT at 11:30 also. Something I love about South Florida, you can get into ANY doctor at ANY time, it's awesome. It's 9:08 am and we've already covered two doctors (with no appointments).

I really only had a few minutes over the last couple of days to worry about tomorrow. Last night I started "thinking" and had that elephant sitting on my chest again. I don't even know what word would cover how I feel right now. Scared doesn't quite cover it, nervous doesn't quite cover it, anxious doesn't quite cover it, I don't know. Maybe scaxious that's how I feel.

All I know is I have my first chemotherapy for breast cancer tomorrow. Maybe I don't know how to feel because I haven't done it before. Like child birth, you just sort of figure it out while it's going on. You are prepared, you have all the physical equipment and you have the mental stories and suggestions, however I am thinking it parallels anything you have done for the first time. You know that incredibly uncomfortable feeling you have in the pit of your stomach that your not sure what to do with. You do anything and everything you can think of to make it go away and when it doesn't you just find distractions. That's where I am right now.

It's a good thing (don't get me wrong I would never want my children to hurt I am sad for Nick and I hope they figure this thing out quickly) that I am sitting here waiting to find out what's wrong with Nick instead of pacing around the house doing all the things that need to be done "before chemo".

Nick just told me he was afraid he had "caught Mom's breast cancer" in his cheek. :( Poor baby, that makes me so very sad, he never says anything about me, but obviously he is scared. I have reassured him and the dentist reassured him that this is not possible. I guess everyone in the house is putting on their brave face. I sure hope that this pink path provides the boys with some positive experience that they can use to grown and be a better person.

UPDATE: Nick has the mumps.....................

Weekend Thoughts

If I ignore the upcoming week and just play all weekend, then it will not happen, right????

Of course, I know this isn't true. Just having a relaxing weekend with lots of sports and spending it with family and dear friends.

Thank you for all who are distracting me, you're doing a great job!!!

And my beloved Aggies (Texas A&M Aggies) won a football game and they won their football game again the Texas Tech Raiders, which made it an even sweeter win that brightened my weekend for sure THANKS AGGIES!!!!

Meet some new friends tonight and were discussing baldness. She stated that being bald was incredibly sexy. Whahahahaha, that is so sweet, I don't picture it that way, but I thought it was sweet she told me that though.

Another thought, if statistically my having cancer means I have satisfied the statistic for our family, then I will gladly take "one for the team" for all family members!!

TRYING to find the silver lining.

HUGS!!!

Teaser: Monday may not be as pleasant as a post.............stay tuned...............will ECT resurface??

Y-O-U

ECT is in rare form today. I will admit that I don't have the energy to conceal her!

Here's what she's thinking

"You're strong you will be fine" I am large, always been large and somewhat out of place. I grew up in El Paso with midgets and I'm 5'9" so to me "strong" and "large" go hand in hand, so stop telling me I'm large, I already know that!!! I own mirrors!!! Haven't I suffered enough in my lifetime being the El Paso Gigantic Girl?

"Stay positive" You stay positive when you arrive on the worst train wreck ever!

"Do it for your kids" What the heck, carrying them around for 9 months watching my body go into shapes I didn't know was possible and now when I had a terrible disease they get to own that too, parenting is so demanding!!!

"Rest" Did I mention I have two teenage boys????

"Don't let your mind go there" Hummmmm, so I'll think about my scrapbooking instead, go jump in a lake (with alligators).

"Everything will be fine" Did you get a memo from God that I didn't get?

IF you have happened to say these things to me, don't take this personally, I am just venting and it's not a vent towards anyone particular, basically just the Universe!!!!

Tough Day

I am officially starting to freak out. I was so proud of myself, I haven't had a xanax in weeks, and today I actually walked up stairs and got them out again, put one in my palm, and then put it in my pill case in my purse. I felt better once I knew it was there. Still in the pill case, but it has been a hard day.

Let me back up. A few weeks ago at my "chemo class" I got a stack of papers to "read" at my leisure. I did not read them until this morning. They were full of all the fun I'm about to have and let me just say I freaked out. It's hard to freak out when your alone, it doesn't last long. I'm a talked (or typer) and I like to talk it out, that makes me feel better. Couldn't do that, I was alone. It was also an early release day and I had to have my emotions together by 11:30am so I really couldn't just fall off the deep end like I wanted too.

Then I spent an hour organizing all the medication I have to take and the days and the amounts and holy SHIT it's way too much to think about in one sitting.

I picked up Nick (youngest) and we had a fabulous sushi lunch and lots of smiles. Then it was time to come home and get ready for the rest of the day.

My oldest son plays on the high school football team and one of the kids who plays, his Mom died in her sleep on Saturday night after the game. Poof and she was gone. It's a terribly sad story and it made me so sad. Tonight the entire team went to the funeral and some of the Mom's waiting on the boys went out to eat. I couldn't go to the funeral, I couldn't handle it.

I never took the xanax because my sweet friends raised my mood to a much higher level. I think reading all those papers and having a Mom just die was a little much for me today. I'm getting scared and my stomach is starting to hurt, but tomorrow I'll get up and go on about life and it just means I'm one day closer to starting the chemo but the most important thing is I'm one day closer to ending the chemo.

PET Scan

No seeing the sun this morning, I am already at the Dr's office waiting for the PET scan. I did take a valium on the way here (I hate MRI type of tests, stems back to the days that my dura exploded and I had a test a day for 10 days) so to say I'm loaded right now would be an absolutely correct statement. I will have to say, I enjoy a good buzz and a relaxing glass of wine, but at 6:50am I am feeling like this valium trip is a little much for me.

So, they called me in right after that. They gave me a shot what a surprise and then they gave me a bunch of more dye to run through my body. The reason I couldn't have caffeine or sugar before the test was apparently they shoot me full of a type of glucose and then the glucose goes straight for the cancer if there is any and hangs out there. There is a much more medical way to explain that but hey I'm not blogging with Dr's!

Once you have the dye you must sit as always and wait for the dye to get around your body. They put you in a nice comfy chair and put warm blankets on you. Between that and the valium I was out. Slept for about an hour (even with my sweet phone call J :)) and then they woke me up, moved me to a new room and put me on the table. The PET scan isn't nearly as annoying as the MRI, no beeping or anything. I laid there for 21 minutes and whala, I was done! Results should be at the dr's by tomorrow. At this point I don't really care, I really mean it.

I was telling my mother in law that it doesn't really matter for me. Unless they called me and said "no chemo" then it doesn't really change anything. IF there is more cancer, it just means more surgery and more chemo, can't say that really changes how I feel at this point. I am sure it would make me anxious and prolong everything but as Tony says "whata ya gonna do?"

So Beautiful

I sit on my front porch, coffee in hand, with the temperature a pleasant 69* (that always gets a smile) and watching the sun peep out from the clouds over the beach. The sun beams are coming out of the clouds reflecting on the water. It's a magnificent site, reminds you that the Lord is always with you to guide you and watch over you. I can't wait to take Buddy for a walk and get the morning started.

It's even ok that I have to go to the doctor this morning. I just have to go for this freckle on my palm. I know it's not "right" to have a freckle on the inside of your palm, the surgeon saw it on my last surgery and noted it. She had me tell the oncologist immediately (last week) and the nurse called me back to tell me I was not at risk for "afjdaialajtoergajog" (I don't know what the word was, it was a really long medical word that I didn't write down or (gasp) look up). I was glad to know that I am not at risk for something! I knew about the freckle a Dr. spotted it five years ago and I've had it looked at several times. All they ever do is "monitor" it. I did NOT tell the surgeon that I have a new freckle forming on the left palm, I figured I'd tell the Dr today.

Here was my thinking I'm getting a killer chemo, right, so I figure any other possible cancer hanging out in my body would be taken care of, you know like in the mob all the rats are "taken out". But apparently my lack of attending medical school is showing up at this point and IF my freckles are indeed some sort of skin cancer, then the protocol must change.

I'm probably in complete denial, but I think it's just a freckle. Even though you "can't" get freckles on the inside of you palms, I still think it's just a freckle. In the mid 80's tanning beds were a fad (of course, before all the knowledge of how horrible the tanning beds are for you) and I participated in that fad and I left my palms down on the tanning bed thus exposing them to ultraviolet vicious rays that have (in my opinion) caused a freckle.

We'll see if I'm even close! Today will be a better day, I can just feel it!!

Added 10/20 at 6:19 pm

Good news, it's just a few freckles!!!!!!!!!!

Week of Doctors

Today kicked off four appointments week,today was a bone density test and my visit to the Image Recovery Center. It is very nice that they even have an Image Recovery Center, but WOW, it really sinks in when you walk in there. I know that it must seem so redundant to readers that I say sometimes that things happen and the idea I have cancer "sets in" but it's true, because 24 hrs a day 7 days a week, I don't remember I have cancer. And what is even more frustrating is that each blow is as severe in nature, they don't ease in pain (emotional pain) as the previous one.

Sigh........

That's how I feel today on this Monday the seven days before chemo starts............sigh :(

Needing People

I was offered a dinner this morning and my first thought was "oh no, I don't want people to do that for me". Then I wondered why I thought that, is it because I don't want to admit I might need some help or is it because I don't want people to feel sorry for me or is it because I don't want to put people out.

I vote for all three. I don't know why, but part of this whole cancer fiasco is that I want help and need help and love help and then ECT says no help do it yourself. I wonder why..........but don't want to wonder too long because I can't do cancer and a complete personal dissection the same year. I have lots of personality flaws, but my friends/family seem to just love me for who I am and they seem to want to help.

I am just wondering why I am having such a personal struggle with this.......any thoughts.....??

Guess Where I Am??

My home away from home, the hospital. Here for the post port check up. I must have strained it yesterday at some point because my sealant has a blood drop in it. They put a super glue like substance on the incision and I can see through it, it's interesting. I had a dream I ripped it out (but the blood was way before that, I didn't touch it in my sleep!)

I'm in the CCU waiting room and everyone is crying, it's making me sad. Makes me want to have the crazy people back, at least they don't make me sad.

Tomorrow I'm excited because I have an appointment to go to the beach and walk and swim (up to my waist) and have breakfast with my friends, I'm so excited and I miss walking on the beach every day. I walked on Tuesday, but that's not much for this week and next week isn't looking good either. Of course, it's so blooming hot here I am thinking it may be a blessing in disguise. Supposedly on Sunday it will "cool down"

Today I feel ok, not overwhelmed or irritated, I think that this will all work out. I understand that realistically it's going to happen whether or not I am ok with everything, I just think it's easier to do if you're more on the "ok" side. I think this entire thing sucks but I get it, I get that I have to do this and that there will be good days and bad days (funny how that mimics life a bit) and that this new full time job is a temp job and will go back to normal soon. I'm trying really hard to just swallow hard and smile and do it. The nurse told me yesterday that 99% of chemo is my mind set (disregard that they are pumping me full of multiple chemicals-the outcome is all in my mind) so I've decided the side effects I can handle and the side effects I can't, I passed that along to the dear Lord and I even told the universe, so I've done my job it's time to just sit and see what happens.

These poor sad people, I hope their day improves!

Too Much Information

Way to much information for my little brain. Thank goodness I had read and had some pre-knowledge. I have so many thoughts floating around my head it's hard to put them in one place. I guess the best news is I have a start date for sure, October 27, 2009 and a potential stop date of February 9, 2009, then radiation begins. In my hand I am actually holding my rx (prescription) for a hair prosthesis, which I am guessing is a medical term for "wig."

That's a little bit funny to me, a prosthesis. I usually don't associate a bunch of synthetic hair all sewn to a form fitting cap a prosthesis, but I understand COMPLETELY why it's called that, of course it's a prosthesis. Along those lines, acrylic nails would be .............nail prosthesis.....hahaha......they may fall off I wonder if I need a rx for that too!

Today's three appointments were 1) genetics counselor 2) chemo class 3) breast surgeon. I'm 2/3 of the way done at this exact moment in time. I felt good about the genetics testing and even better that my insurance company has approved the testing. I want to know if I have the gene I think that will be helpful to my family and extended family. She told me that 10 years down the road if I carry the gene and a child of mine carried the gene, they could do egg selection to a non carrying gene. If I can do that for my kids I'm all for it. I guess they feel like it's a double edged sword. If you carry the gene realistically you are looking at some more possible surgeries. If you don't then she said that people get mad that they don't know why they had cancer. I don't know, I don't think (today) that I will feel this way at all. It's a simple blood test and they will take it right before my first chemo (10/27).

The second appointment was the chemo class. Let me tell you, talk about a fun class and educational, get a lot for your money...........:) It was helpful and they sure laid out everything for you. We went over the pre, during, and post items that will make chemo a breeze.

(Since the port was supposed to be a breeze and it was NOT even close to a breeze-still isn't-I am thinking I am a little leery of this "breeze" word. Don't get me wrong, I'm not going negative attitude on you, I'm just hedging my bets and let me be pleasantly surprised if it is a "breeze")

I had five rx's to fill when I was done and several OTC products to get. I really love the nurse practitioner, (she's a survivor) quite liberal and funny. She said she doesn't have time for pity parties, I made a mental note not to invite her to mine.

Since some of the followers on this blog are actual cancer patients, I will be more specific with details, those of you who aren't interested, skip down a few paragraphs. I got a lidocane cream for the skin for the needle that goes through the skin ( awesome more port fun) to help not make it hurt. I have medications for my stomach-Emend, Decadron, Nexium and copamzine (to prevent vomiting) and I already told you about the rx for the wig. Then the otc products include vitamin B-6, LGlutimine and claritin. Isn't that funny, they have found that when they give me the booster shot (neutropenia) after the chemo that there is bone pain, but the claritin helps to block the pain better than pain medication without inhibiting the chemo. (Need a complain moment-this port is just driving me crazy, it is hurt hurting right now) so I get to clear up my allergies (that I left in Dallas 4 years ago) and have less pain.

Miss No Pity Party did allow me one pajama day, she said usually day 3-4 would be that day and I could hang out that day but that day only! She said to get my butt up and walk around, the more I walk the better things move around.

Highlight, I can eat whatever I want :) of course for the first time in my life I have little appetite.

I am now waiting for my follow up with the breast surgeon. I was supposed to come tomorrow but she had a family emergency, so they moved me to today.

Then Monday I have a bone density test and an appointment at the Image Recovery Center. That's where I fill the rx for the hair prosthesis and they have massages and acupuncture and everything one could possibly need for breast cancer. I am so glad to have found the one stop shopping.

This was a bummer to me, no more cruise massages, or couples massages, no more massages unless they are trained in the lymph node missing massage technique. I can give myself lymphadenopathy (if that is the correct word I am not 100% sure) have a huge arm for the rest of my life. Ok, I admit, not really a choice there, but it made me sad, I really love massages. I guess I'll have facials from now on instead. Although I haven't had many massages since the dura drama a few years ago.

I'm a little nervous, remember the nurse who let me have it regarding using my arm and having swelling, etc. Well, last week they canceled my appointment for the lovely port insertion and it had already been 2 1/2 weeks, so (shhhhh) I took out the stitches myself. I'm anticipating a lecture again. Since that was my Dad's preferred parenting technique, I really don't care for lectures, and I'm getting a little nervous.

I had some really funny stories and for the life of me I can't remember any of them right now. I guess my brain is taking a break after such an intensive morning.

I got called and I did receive quite the lecture about removing the stitches myself. She also spotted a freckle on my palm during surgery. I have been monitoring it for several years now and I have another one forming on my left palm, so she wanted me to let the oncologist know and she wanted me to have a dermatologist check it out. Before you think "that's not good" I already know that, they have been watching it. I looked good when I had the tan from the tanning bed, I am guessing that will come back to haunt me.

I guess I need to go be a Mom, and stop being a patient, so I'm off for the night.

New Job

I have a new job, it's a full time job, something I haven't done in 15 years!! It's cancer and it is a really demanding job! When I have an extra five minutes I'll sit down and tell you about it!

I have so much to catch up on, I feel much better although this port thing still hurts. I have been to many appointments that have some very funny memories associated with them. I can't wait to share them all.

Tomorrow I have three appointments, so maybe I'll take my lap top and in my downtime try and catch you all up! Probably be more around end of the week. I miss blogging, I miss not having a job, I miss my body having no alien objects in it!

BUT my spirit is good and tentatively my first chemo date is set for 10/27. I'll find out tomorrow if that is still the plan.

Port Posting

Here's what I know about my port installation, it HURTS! I can't even believe how much more it hurts that the three surgeries did, WOW! Not to scare anyone, because I think this is rare, all my other port buddies said it was easy. Just me and that luck I have, and I had a reaction to something. I woke up this morning (well that's a loosely used term since I don't think I slept over 45 min. last night) and was itching head to toe and inside as well. Of course, the hospital said if it was them, then it would have happened earlier, so it wasn't them. But it was something that's for sure. I went online and looked up that this had happened to several other people and they said it subsided after a few days. I am all benadryled up now, feeling less itchy. Now I've done forbidden in writing, told you the end of the story first!

Got to the hospital promptly at 6:30am and did all the usual pay, etc. Then headed to the waiting room. Sigh, I don't like waiting rooms. There were two women from New York in there (mind you it's 6:43 am and no coffee-no anything) incessantly talking and talking so loud they were drowning out the tv that was on for the deaf above my head. One woman was talking about her husband and how she wished he'd "hurry the hell back to Iraq" because he was hogging the bed at night. OMG, what a horrible wife, who would say that, I would be thrilled to have my husband in the states and not at war. She was also discussing (with her best friend) the fact that she had been in a wreck and no pain medication worked for her. Now this is just my guess, but maybe the husband takes it to sleep with her :). So she asked another man in the waiting room, I'm guessing he was in his late 50's early 60's if he took any pain medication that worked. He said yes and I quote "try weed." I almost feel out of the chair trying not to laugh. This waiting room was about as big as a lavatory in a plane, it was jammed packed, no seats. I had just gotten the new Dan Brown book and read the same page four times when they got up because "shit, I'm not going to sit here all morning waiting on him (bad sleeper, war fighter) husband, I'm going to get some McDonalds" (there's one in the hospital) and believe me, McDonald's would not do her any favors, none the less I was glad they left. I should write a book on just people in waiting rooms.

Then I went back to the preop and I had 1) my THIRD pregnancy test in 4 weeks (I have my tubes tied) and 2) weight (yay still going down) and 3) lovely gown and awesomely cool RED socks (never had red before). I had (another) physical with some random Dr. I've never seen before and the nurse practitioner went over the paper work for the 1000th time. It amazes me how many times I fill out the same paperwork and they claim to be going green. I did not know this, but if any of you are ever with me and I need my blood pressure or an iv NEVER can I do it in my right arm, found that out. It's because I have some missing lymph nodes and it's dangerous.

From there, they wheel me into the OR and they begin me on this fun juice, but I never go to sleep. It was a little funny to me, to be awake for the entire thing. I think I prefer asleep, not because it was painful or anything, but because it was awkward. By awkward I mean things like they covered my face so I couldn't see anything. I couldn't feel anything (they numbed it and the iv had something in it) but I could feel fluids rolling down my neck, strange. Then I was bright eyed and bushy tailed when it was over, they send me home a little early. Didn't get to go to the breast surgeon appointment, they just canceled it, I go next week. I think I have six doctors appointments next week.

We get home and I can't hit the vicodin fast enough, but they didn't give me more, I had it left over from last time. I'm thinking that is crazy, this seriously hurts so much worse than the surgeries. I have a hard time talking on the phone, anything that holds my a certain way for so long. I feel like I've been in a car accident. Just sore. AND I've figured out I don't sleep after any kind of anesthesia. No sleep last night, so no nothing for me today. No homecoming game or swimming party, just resting. I'm doing ok with the resting because, have I mentioned, it HURTS????