Buried Treasure

I sit to write and I can't log on to my blog, it's been 20 minutes and I'm starting to forget what I'm writing about!!  I hope everyone had a great Memorial day weekend, we had a GREAT time!  We spent three out of four days at the beach, some with just family and then a day with friends and the day we didn't go to the beach we had "date day/night" and it was so much fun!!

Last week I was still feeling physically a little down, still feeling like I was dragging and I was talking to our roofer.  He spends a lot of time with us lately, so we were chatting about my not feeling that energetic.  He told me to go to whole foods and try "Buried Treasure" it is liquid minerals.  So we went to whole foods and got some buried treasure.  Hands down the worst stuff I have ever put into my mouth, but I think it actually helps.  The next morning I found myself thinking about it and when to have it.  

That is actually a huge statement for me, because I have to actually think about taking my pills every day, I mean really think about it.  

I've been working out every day again, and that seems to help too, when I'm not all sore from that!!!  I feel complainy, I don't like to feel that way either.

I just wanted to pass along the "buried treasure" because I had never thought of replacing my minerals, but it makes perfect sense, I'm pretty sure chemo really knocks everything out of your body!!!

I guess my life is pretty easy compared with those who are at war for our country right now, many prayers for our soldiers, active and retired, hope you all had a good Memorial Day!

Highlights.....

Wow, every time I try and blog I get kicked off and that just makes it TOUGH to write a lot!  I am thinking about having another blog too, on parenting.....enough said.

I'm still very good, happy, content, which is a strange feeling.  I feel like I was fired from a job, the cancer job.  Because having it was like a full time horrible job.  I am slowly getting back into the routine of things.  I work out everyday and man am I weak.  I forget that chemo really wears you out.

Wait forgot, like I have a reference to that!! Not really.  I watched my Dad go through cancer from 600 miles away, so I knew it wore you out, but had no idea how much it wears you out and how "lingering" the effects are...BUT I am doing so much better.

Enjoying lunching and walking and the beach and my crazy kids schedule and family and the list goes on and on.

However, I will be VERY glad when this stage of my curly hair goes away.  I have a Donita Fro right now, and I will concede that it's not the best look, but hey it's hair.  I'm playing with it since it looks like crap regardless of what I do with it.  Highlight........there are natural highlights.....:) that's fun!!

Good Morning

and I mean good morning.  Today is the first morning in a few weeks that I did not wake up with a knot in my stomach, it's such a nice feeling.  It's also a nice feeling that everyone who needs to know, now knows. Cancer is rough, it's such a roller coaster of emotions.....was chatting with a friend of mine the other day who has cancer (had) also and these scares are tough on us.  She's done the same thing, not tell everyone until she knows because WE'RE in charge of this, not anyone else!

It's like my damn hair (what will I write about when it's normal) it is curly and just sticks out everywhere.  Where it's not curly, it's straight like a boys crew cut, there a good mix.  Boy crew cut stick out and ringlet curls........wth......why does this always happen to me?  I mousse it and (of course) only the hair that behaves does what it is supposed to ( you know me, that % is about half....with ALL of my body....half is good and the other half says....go to hell).

Just like the tattoo, I only have half a tattoo now.  Did I pay for half a tattoo, no of course not, I paid for the entire tattoo but now a permanent fixture on my body only exists in half. It was $127 plus $20 tip and it is smaller than a dime with two colors.  I'm in no hurry to get it fixed because it hurt the first time and knowing me, it will hurt more the second time.  Or I'll have some special "toe disorder" that's never been heard of before and have very little documentation on it, so no wikepedia to check it on.....yup that's my life.

I bet I could give FML(website-if you don't know what it stands for..you don't need to know!!) a run for their money......:)

FINALLY

The Dr. just called, everything is FINE, there is a cyst but it is benign and it just needs to be watched and rechecked next year!

Wow, so long waiting, I'm so relieved, but still once bit twice shy..........

Thank you for all the prayers and emails and if I didn't tell you until right now, it's because I love you too much to mess up a trip or you've got things going on in your life

Breast MRI

Went this morning for the breast MRI on the left side.  I was good last night, didn't freak out or require any special medications....just hoping it's all ok.

Since I've been blogging via sending myself emails so people who don't know can enjoy what they are doing.....they have all been posted today.....but written along the way.  I will hit publish when I have the results......which I pray is by the end of the week!!

It wasn't too bad, just the usual feeling of claustrophobic and freaking out something is wrong again.

I did get a letter last week from the breast center saying they thought it was a benign cyst, please be right!!!

Got it Scheduled

They called and it's all final, they have me for May 17 and I have all of the appropriate numbers and fees needed to complete this task.  At this point I have told the people who are 1) in town 2) can handle it....so if I haven't told you and you are reading this for the first time...I'm sorry I was trying to be considerate of what was going on in your life.

Thank goodness my family is going to be around me this weekend, my Aunt and Uncle are coming and they are so fun and relaxing.

It's been two days and I haven't called the Dr. to follow up, why haven't I called the Dr., it's because I'm freaking out and I don't want to know the answer, at ALL.  But I think I will call today and see what's going on. I'm very scared and don't want this to be anything.....please.....dear God...are you listening?

Why...

My mammogram showed a spot on my left side that they believe is a cyst.  Finally when they called me in there, they took two hours to do my mammogram and ultrasound and then they called the Dr. in to tell me they can't located the spot on my ultrasound, but they can find it on the mammogram, so I need to either have a PET scan or another breast MRI.  I am to call my Dr. tomorrow.

Actually, the guy said, give me a few days and then call your oncologist.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME, a few days??

Waiting for Mammogram and Ultrasound

While sitting here on the waiting room my heart went out and entered a 5k and forgot to tell me....I'M FREAKING OUT I wish I was really rich I would buy more mammogram machines because sitting here waiting for a machine is rough. You think you've made progress you think you've moved forward but that isn't the case at all, I feel like this nightmare is starting all over again.

First Mammogram since the cancer.....

I'm sitting here waiting for my first mammo since all of this fun. I've had some procedures that they had to do for this and that. But sitting here is rough, and I just changed waiting rooms bc the gals were in there talking about their friend who just died from bc. Holy smokes I'm freaking out bad enough I can't sit and listen to that. Last might I had a panic attack,I was so disappointed with myself. This mammogram is on the left side ( cancer on right) and I thought it would be no big deal....WRONG....this is a huge deal. I am really freaking out, I can't do this again, I can't do chemo or anything again. I can't handle anything being wrong, what if it is, what will I do?

Sigh....

Sometimes you watch people you love go through things and wonder why....why are they going through this....they aren't a bad person, they aren't a law breaker, why is karma treating this way.  Is it possible it is just a facade, that the person isn't who they represent themselves to be?

I feel like I'm that person that just has to get repeatedly slapped in the face to "get it".  Most people take a slap and walk away with the information that represented that slap.  Not me, it takes me numerous times to "get it".  However, I am not willing to compromise what's inside my heart to "get it" faster.  I guess the end of this story is I will just be the repeatedly slapped person.

I currently have about five people in my life who are giving me the slapping treatment and I am slow.....but I'm getting it.  I am now wondering what's going on with these people.  Incidentally, these are people who I'm not allowed to "pull my cancer card" with (complete side note, I love it (sarcasm inserted here) when people who DON'T have cancer get to tell me the rules for those who actually possess a cancer card....anywho) them either.

I feel like I may have lost you, I am just frustrated with some current relationships in my life that seem to have a common theme and I'm trying to vent my frustrations without being specific.....another tough thing to do.

It's not only people who are giving me these issues, it's my body as well.  Radiation is slow in showing its damage because I felt just fine right after it, but my body doesn't seem to be agreeing lately and that has me off kilter.  You just want to feel better and you want to feel better fast, and my body is NOT cooperating.

It goes back to last post about only being sure about just that, you can't be sure about anything.  I have to say I hate leaving the land of blissful ignorance...it was so much easier....and this related to health, family and friends.......I'd like to change my name to Wendy and never grow up.

One thing for sure.....be careful what you wish for.....

So I know one thing for sure, that one thing is nothing is for sure!!  I have been so wacky crazy lately and every time I sit down to blog my darn blogging thing messes up and I end up very frustrated so I just walk away......but we've had visitors, wisdom teeth, birthdays, school projects, new jobs, sports, all sorts of crazy things that have kept me from blogging lately.

When describing myself, I would usually not use the words, petite, tiny, curly brown hair......but as cancer does with everything, it completely changes not only your emotional world, your physical world, but your stable world as well.  Things as you know it just vanish, like the cancer itself, taking your secure world with it.

I was just in Publix getting a birthday cake for my awesome husband (today's his birthday) and (I no longer make the Boston Creme Pie since all these delicious bakeries, I can't buy the ingredients that cheap and the homemade is only marginally better...they are pro's at the bakery) a man came up to me and said........

"You're hair is so cute".  Funny older man
"Thanks"  Donita
"Did you do it because it's so hot here?" Funny (maybe) older man
"Nope it's this way from chemo"  ECT
"OOOHHH, well Honey, let me tell you a thing or two....I know very few women who can pull of that hair and I stand by  my original comment, you're hair is cute!"  FUNNY older man

I really loved this man, he was quite genuine with his response, which made it even better.  It was funny timing because I had been into Sally's Beauty this morning getting Nick special swimming shampoo and I was seeing my hair in a mirror and thought, holy cow this needs some help.

So I talked to the lady and I got mouse for..........wait..................wait................here it is.............CURLY hair.  And my hair is curly very very very curly and brown (with blonde highlights).  Words I'd never use to describe myself....tiny, petite, curly brown hair........I see that secure world floating away....(however, I would actually place money on me never being petite or tiny :)_)

But, strangely enough, I like the curly brown (with blonde highlights) hair.  I've always wished for curly hair, and that very sentence brings forth another observation.


"Be careful what you wish for..."  and I did wish for curly hair all the time.  Now I have it, only took cancer to get it.  o_O

Probably be a while before I'm on again...I'm working on a story to tell you, but it's not quite done yet.  We have more company this week (LOVE my Aunt and Uncle and can't WAIT to see them) so it will have to be next week.

So my ending comment is:

Ignorance is bliss and be careful what you wish for.....

I'm Insane!!!

I had never really given much thought to what insane meant.  For 30ish years of my life I just thought it meant crazy.  I mean it made sense....

"she took coke"....that's crazy

"he hit another car"......that's crazy

"he married her"........that's crazy

"she tried to kill him".......that's really crazy

it makes sense, if you don't think about it too long (which is why you're labeling it crazy to begin with)  we label it  and mentally dismiss it.

SO when a friend told me at 35 that insane meant "doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result" that really blew my mind.  And I don't mean in a good way.  I was very happy in my naive "crazy" world not really understanding what it meant.  Now I had an actual definition and now I had some habits myself that landed in that "insane" category.

Take for example when I am having a rough time with something.  Whether that something is breaking my nail or having cancer, my mind and body always react the same way.  I must (I mean must) mentally go to the worst case scenario and play it through my entire mind, sometimes for days and sometimes with various "worst" scenarios.  Giving my nail as an example, when I see it's broken I immediately go to " is it going to be broken all the way down to my skin (worst case) or can I file it slightly "off" and save that side or will I cut it even with the break or can I just put some super glue on it.  So in a matter of seconds I have sized up the "worst case" down to the best case and then make a decision based on all of this information.  That doesn't mean I take a long time to make decisions or get results (once I reach the full disclosure stage) , it actually means quite the opposite, I've already sized up the worst so I move forward quickly.  I will say that 90% of my decisions are good ones and that means 10% are not.  Good enough for an A, so I'll stick with my patterns.  

During this time of information gathering and decision making, my body becomes a bit tense and I'm not hungry at all, and it takes me a while to physically get past this.  I have found that a nice warm hot shower usually does the trick.  And I think that's ok, although my family claims I am single handedly emptying out the Everglades.  I however, don't feel this is the case as we don't even have sprinklers, so an extra shower a day won't drain the Everglades and leave my Grandchildren without any water.

While I'm in the shower, I mentally try to imagine that all my worries, anxieties, frustrations and fears will lather up with the soap and rinse right off.  It was so pleasant, until tonight, when I realized that my shower was nothing more than an insane act.  While the shower was a temporary diversion, all the very same fears, worries, anxieties and frustrations (albeit were lessened) came back when the warmth of the water left my skin.  

I realized that I was officially insane.  I also realized if I could solve anxiety, frustrations and fear, I would be single handedly the richest woman on the planet, probably universe.  A reason faith is so powerful.  It's at times like these last couple of months, years, that I am so very grateful for a thing called faith, it's probably what keeps you from being completely insane.  Now that's crazy, good crazy!!

P.S. Please don't give me the actual definition of crazy!!!