Just sitting here

I am sitting on my front porch doing nothing, absolutely nothing. I know, lazy right?? The ocean breeze is in full swing and the wind as a cool touch to it, it's so nice. No bugs, huge draw. I'd like to tell you I've been solving world problems, not the case, literally nothing. I think it's because I'm so freaking worn out, even if I wanted to move, not going to happen.

Why you ask?? Remember yesterday I mentioned a trainer. I am actually in a class, a cross fix class with my favorite trainer in the world, Shondelle. This week was my first week with all five days, I've been doing three days and I have only been back about five weeks. HUGE difference between my rehabilitation gym and this gym. BUT, it makes a world of difference. Every morning I willingly get up and get my ass kicked my Shondelle and then I get up and do it again the next day. My body is cumulatively hurting, Monday it was just a little, Tuesday some more and Wednesday I'm just sitting. On Monday the pain wasn't until Tuesday morning, on Tuesday it started Tuesday night and today, it started when I left class. Man. Then I head over to yoga for an hour of stretching, that feels good.

I know I have to do this, EVERY single doctor I go to tells me that IF I WOULD JUST LOOSE WEIGHT ALL would be good. My dura would not produce as much extra fluid as it does because being fat makes you produce extra. My cholesterol would go down if I lost weight, one doctor spent 20 minutes telling me what a fool I was for not having a weight loss plan. WTF, really like I don't know I was fat? Yelling at me won't improve that, I don't respond to threats or belittling.

What really gets my goat is that I didn't just pork out and eat out and have dessert and just sit around reading my novels and having my bonbons. Nope, I barely ate at all, because I was still feeling the effects of chemo and radiation but my body was packing on those pounds. I know some people I saw last summer were like "holy crap-she's HUGE" but knew I was fighting enough to not say anything (to my face). I was embarrassed too because I wanted to celebrate being a survivor but I just looked like a glutton. AND let's face it, we all judge by appearance.

Just being bald told me that, people were SO NICE to me. I mean people who you know are complete assholes were nice (except one in particular). At first that sympathy made me mad, then I thought, "you know what-take it and enjoy it".

It's funny because when people see me, they literally do not know it's me. I could go streaking in Publix and no one would know it was me. My hair is so different, my body is different, my appearance is different, my attitude is different, and that has been a little bit fun, messing with people. If I don't feel like talking, I can just stand there and no one speaks to me. I could be a spy, maybe I'll do that, that would provide good writing material.

I feel like I have this weird menopause crystal ball, remember I went through chemically induced menopause. I was so excited that I would be "ahead" of the curve on that and be done with menopause. Silly me, of course I am not done, I get to do it again!! At this point, I could get pregnant again, my numbers are all back to normal. So typical for me, I do everything twice. Except marriage, I seem to have gotten that right the first time. I do know exactly what will happen though, so I guess that's better.......sort of.

Highlight of the day: had to get some new exercise shirts 1) they were on sale!! 2) guess what size, not my usual 2xl, or xl, OR L , BUT A MEDUIM!!!!