It's my second favorite time of day, I love watching the sun come up and he newness of the day. I'm far enough along in my treatment and journey that cancer isn't the first thing I think of every morning anymore and for that I am ever grateful. My most favorite time of day is the sunset, the colors are unreal, it's a palette of pastels that never gets old, and I love reflecting on all we accomplished that day.
I never have really gone down the "why me" path, I figured you can't unspill milk. But I will concede that just when I think I have things under control and I'm the one running the victory lap, some of the very smallest things (measured by those who are NOT going through cancer treatment) happens.
When I knew I was going to have the chemo that makes you lose your hair I was mad, no two ways about it, and you all know what a LONG journey that has been for me, but I'm dealing and if I don't say so myself, feel like I'm dealing pretty well. I knew my breaking point would be my eye lashes. I've always had long full eyelashes and I've always been proud of them. I get asked all the times if I have on "falsies" and get asked if I've had implants and nope, they are all mine. I remember in 8th grade my friend made so much fun of me because I stood in the mirror with a straight pin (every morning-still do) and would separate each lash so my mascara didn't look clumpy. My hair on my head was over processed and needed a new color and texture anyway, so while it's been hard to be bald, I'm looking forward to "virgin" hair; however, I have repeated begged God to please not take my eyelashes.
My prayers were answered, for the most part, and most of my eyelashes and eyebrows have stayed intact. Those false eyelashes I got "just incase" have stayed in their package. Having those hairs seemed to really keep my self esteem and smiling going. Until this week (same week some "friends" show their real colors) and now most of my eye brows are gone (although I already have new ones coming in) and half of my eye lashes on my bottom left eye fell out last night. I just feel so defeated, in so many areas.
On the one hand, I have William making me roll with laughter last night with his stories from his trip. And I am so proud of Nick I could burst, his water polo is just outstanding. Whitney has been the best husband in the world with all of this thrown at him too ( in all fairness he didn't ask for a sick, bald, moody, weepy -at times- dependent wife). Lucky is even better how with his daily diabetic shots and Buddy hasn't eaten anything crazy this week. Our family is very happy and strong and enjoying life.
And on the other hand I feel so sad that the eye lashes fell out. Why now, why on the road to being strong and being normal. I'm probably only a month away from taking off my hat and re-emerging into the world and BOOM out they come.
I guess in the large reflection of things, this is just life. Just when things get easy or settled, you are thrown some other obstacle.
It's the same with relationships, you think at 42 you have some things mastered, you think that you should be able to talk (real) to people you have relationships with and be honest with your feelings but nope that's not the case either. (As you can tell I am still greatly annoyed with the "friends") I find this so ridiculously frustrating. I am the kind of person that just says it like it is, let's not sugar coat it or dance around it, let's just talk about it. Because for the 20 minutes that you are uncomfortable with the conversation (or maybe people just don't like facing reality and dealing with situations) you save years of frustration just being honest and up front. I despise liars or as they often think of themselves "omitters".
I think my "friend" and my eye lashes are the same frustration. You can't control either one and you are trying your hardest to be accommodating and treat them right. I faithfully put in my "revitalash" (cancer potion for eyelashes), don't rub my eyes and don't wear makeup unless going out. I faithfully answer the phone when friends call, do anything I can do to help them out, and listen to all they have to say. I'm sad that both have turned on me, the eye lashes fell out and the friend only responds when they need something, won't even give a chance to explain my feelings and I think that is just wrong all the way around.
I guess when the human race masters this, we will be war and conflict free.
(Side note) I've gotten a few messages, texts, phone calls since posting this about my "friends" and believe me, if you are calling, texting, messaging me, it's not you! The "friends" don't bother with any of that, it would be way too considerate on their part! And they know who they are, no questions.
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