All Those Who Have Been There for Me

It's so crazy, twice now I've dropped off people at the airport and had to pull over I was crying so hard. Everyone tells me, "Donita you are so strong" not feeling that strong today. When I dropped off my bff last time she was here I just bawled. Same thing today, dropped off Catherine (sil) and just had to pull over. I am not usually so emotional (family may disagree here) but I'm not, I can usually distract myself from crying so hard I have to pull over. I guess in a way cancer is providing me with the ability to grow my in strength and character, it's just such a painful growth.

Catherine didn't come because I physically wasn't ok, I couldn't be alone and Whitney was on his annual hunting trip back to Texas. I couldn't take that away from him, this year has been crazy with changes and my having cancer wasn't going to ruin his trip. I just knew I couldn't be alone and Catherine said she would come. We had a grand time, saw lots of the boys life and had some special moments that will be a smile in my memory for a while.

It's interesting those that step forward. Sometimes it's the person I don't hardly know at all that picks up my child and hauls him half way across Florida to a water polo tournament or a person who drives twice as far to bring home my child or the person who cooks repetitively for my family or the person who just calls on a regular basis to check on me and then there are those great cards. Then there are those who have known me so long that I believe it's too painful for them to believe that I am suffering with this pink path and can't bring themselves to know the current me. That's ok, I understand that, illnesses are very hard for people and I am grateful for their friendships and know that when this is all over, they will be there for me then. There are so many stages where I need so many people and I am so blessed that they have all been there for me.

I saw a man with no legs in a wheel chair when I was driving home from the airport and I thought "I hope he has someone that does something for him on a regular basis and someone there for him when he's down" I could be worse off, just the small things, like good insurance.

Tomorrow is treatment #3, which I am dreading. Trying not too, but I am. Talked myself out of a few panic attacks the last 24 hours (much thanks to Catherine and great distractions and knowing that if I did freak out she would be there to calm me down) and I'm trying to just breathe. I believe there are stages to just getting ready to take the chemo. I think you are 1) denial 2) anger 3) resentment 4)acceptance. I am currently just short of acceptance, but I'll be there before tomorrow morning.

Hat update: I have received positive feedback from the Santa hat all weekend. No crazies or rude comments, just positive reinforcement that I am indeed "in the Christmas spirit"!!! Maybe postal druggie doesn't care for Christmas!!