It's been a while

I haven't written in a long time and I thought I would do a follow up on some of the things that were happening when I was going through my cancer journey. Actually, that is a concept I need to correct, I am NOT done going through the journey. Yes, the cancer is gone and the treatments are done, but I am far from being done with this journey.

I think most people mean well, they don't realize that because you have treatment, that doesn't mean you are "done". I have found with my own personal journey that most (not all) people who check on me, etc feel that we are "done". Nope, it's a daily struggle to get up and finish.

I stubble every day with the way having gone through cancer has left me. I'm a different person. I'm no longer the "walk all over me" person that I had become. Nope, cancer took a lot of things from me, but it gave me a MUCH needed backbone. I've had to make some really hard decisions the last couple of months that have required some really intense thinking and action on my part. I'm glad, I needed the growth. Would have preferred a different way, but this is the way I got!

One thing that I don't think many people consider is the journey when your done. No longer are doctor visits or emails with updates necessary, so I can jump right back in where I left off, right??

No, not right. I am JUST NOW feeling even close to the same level of energy I had before I was diagnosed. I started not feeling right about a 9-12 months before the actual diagnosis. Just in the last few weeks have I felt back to myself and that includes a visit to the ER and an overnight stay in the hospital last week.

They thought I was having a stroke. I get I'm chubby, seriously, and I am doing everything I can to combat that but my hormones aren't working with me. Hormones, another casualty with my breast cancer, I have no idea who they are anymore. Complete transformation and we're still at the introduction stage with each other!

It's just not as easy as "the cancer is gone" because it leaves a huge footprint in your life whether everyone wants to accept it or not. One thing that was awesome was the great support I had.

It was interesting, people I've had relationships with my entire life or most of my life would have been who I thought would have been there for me most. But I found that wasn't always the case. I get that this is my battle and my battle alone and I don't want to judge people for how they act when someone they love is diagnosed with cancer, but I will say that I was surprised by some of the people's reaction to MY sickness. It was like they wanted to own it and tell me how I should feel and act and how it affected THEM. No offense, but I don't give a rats ass how it affected THEM.

It was sad to me and unfortunately I had to make some decisions that were right for me, and that means I had to change some of my relationships. Which is hardly what you want to do when you've been in a full blown battle for over a year.

I will say the people who were there for me were absolutely outstanding and I couldn't have done it without them. My sons and husband were incredible, they were strong and kind and just perfect, I couldn't ask for a better family, I'm so very blessed.

Remember my HORRIBLE TERRIBLE LIAR cousin? He's still around (remember we're only related by marriage-unfortunately) I have a permanent restraining order against him in the state of Florida, but he's still stealing from people and he's still lying and he's still conning. Makes me sick. I am again reminded how his mother and step father (my blood uncle) knew about his horrible past and still didn't say a word to me (they knew I was sick)......wow.........sure says a lot about their values. And I would imagine that Ron isn't done, I bet he hits up as much family as possible. The good thing is there is a lot of information out there on him on the internet, so maybe it will save one person from his web of deception, lies and abuse.

I think that was part of my problem with recovery. Cancer is a HUGE battle (that's why they use the word battle) and then I had the thief come and steal from me, I think I just felt extra vulnerable and that really makes me mad. I needed that energy for recovery not another battle (I have to say it again, they KNEW and let him do it again). He threatened me and stole from me and threatened my children, all while going through treatment. There is a special place for him in hell.

I'm better now, one day at a time. But recovery is slow and it's daily and it's hard. Why do I tell you this, not to feel sorry for me but to give you insight. Not everyone responds this way, but it's pretty common to be diagnosed with post traumatic stress syndrome after having cancer. I'm not diagnosed, but I guarantee you I sit right on that fence every day and every day I make the choice to stay on the better side of the fence.

There's my update, maybe I'll start writing again........it's a great outlet!!