Much has changed in 10 years, some expected, some a great surprise, some very sad, some very happy. Had you told me ten years ago I would be living in Hollywood, Fl and I was bald from chemo, I would have told you you are one crazy son of a gun. I'd never even been to Florida, why in the world would I live there? I certainly wouldn't get any cancer at 41, no one in my family has breast cancer................but guess what............I live in Hollywood, FL and I'm bald as a coot.
I guess what makes my decision so hard is that there is no right answer, if there was, then there would be a cure and we wouldn't have the thousands of Race for the Cure events. But there is no cure, it's methodically guessed and researched what might cure your breast cancer. So when I make my decision, I will never know if my decision is a correct one or not.
I guess this is a time when faith will be put to the ultimate test for me, I will have to have faith that my decision is the right decision and regardless of what happens in 10 years, I have to know that my decision was the right decision at that time.
I have a good faith base, I've always had faith in my life, but WOW, this is really testing me. I don't have anything to go on other than suggestions and possibilities and odds. We've established (if you know me well) that odds play in my court, not always in my favor, but I'm good with the odds. That gives me some sense of security. We're back, we're back at just relying on FAITH.
What makes it hard is I'm a knowledge person, I like to read, study, understand and make an informed decision. I like to have all points of view but I am at the point that I just have to hand this over to a higher source. I have studied, read, asked, done, questioned, cried, and believed.
Wow, getting married, where to go to college, having babies, buying a home, all those decisions are really very easy compared to this one.
I'm finding myself not very "happy" and it's hard to say "happy New Year" and mean it (for me). I mean it for all of my friends/family, but for me, it's just not that happy. I'm not depressed or freaking out, I'm just reflecting. I don't sit and whine that I've had the cancer or wonder "why me" but I'm not as excited as I usually am about the adventures of a new year. Probably because none of the adventures were chosen. Like the adventure of being allergic to the glue in wigs, or breaking out in hats, or being bald, or having chemo, or having radiation, or having cancer, I'm thinking it all pretty much sucks. I'm a little disappointed in myself for not being more positive.
Maybe I'll have my New Year in June when I'm not wearing a head piece, I'm not at the doctors getting some sort of chemicals put in my body, and I'm holding a "your clear right now" piece of paper. I'll have to gamble and have faith that the paper will always say I'm clear.
Then I'll mean it when I say "Happy New Year!"
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