How Things Change

I just have so many thoughts swimming around in my mind I can't even really know where to start. I think at the end of the day they are about cancer, in some form or fashion.

I went to see William's award ceremony for his honor roll and I am just so proud of him I want to burst. He plays two sports and is #9 in his class. He doesn't get home until 6-7pm and then cracks open the books and studies until bed time and smiles the whole time. He's such a delight, he's always been such a happy person, as a baby those dimples were always showing. He's so flexible and every day when he gets in the car he says "Mom, how was your day?" I think that's huge, he's a teenager! So I was just beaming with pride, sitting in the Catholic church (he goes to a small Catholic private school), listening to all the achievements of those wonderful children.

I was also a little proud of myself for just hoping in the car and not thinking twice about how I looked, threw on the hat (and of course my matching outfit-come on-I haven't changed that much) and went to the sanctuary. I was sitting there just beaming when I got a tap on the shoulder (and let me disclaim I have NO idea who this person was-NEVER seen them before) and asked to take my hat off inside the building.

It was such a moment of sheer terror for me. Here I was in front of the ENTIRE high school where my son attends and this person wanted me to take my hat off, I just sat frozen not knowing what to do. So the person asks me again, "hat off in the building" and I just smiled and lifted my hat off enough to show that I was bald, not disrespectful, and then put it back on my head. I sunk so low in my seat. I was hoping that no one had seen that, especially William.

I have to give the school credit. I could walk into the school bald and shiny and it is such a loving school that only a few would make fun or me or say something to William.

The reason I sunk so low in my seat was because it just takes one second to remember that I'm going through all of this, one second to be knocked out of emotional control. In two seconds I went from being the most proud Mom in there to the most humiliated Mom and I had no control over it.

Then, it was like William knew, they called his name and he didn't go up for his pin. He'd already been up there for his certificate. I thought "oh no, he knows". Of course, he had no idea, typical teenager spaced it and just didn't hear his name.

I got in the car and was ok, I wasn't emotional or anything. I remembered my dear sweet friend was having her last chemo treatment today and I drive by that building on the way to the high school, so I headed her way, I wanted to surprise her and go in and be with her. I got all the way to the parking lot and I couldn't go in.

I don't know why I couldn't go in, I just sat in the car and cried. I've been having association nausea and the first time I drove by the building I did ok, but not this time, I thought I was going to loose it in the parking lot and that is NOT helpful to those inside the building. They do NOT want to see someone puking on the parking lot, so I left.

Then I thought of my Dad. He had cancer, he had cancer the year Nick was born and he went on to live another 13 years without cancer. All of a sudden I wanted to speak to him, I wanted to tell him so many things about me, about William, about Nick, about Whit, about Florida, about so many things. He would be so proud of William and I know he would be proud of me and how I have handled everything. It made me so very sad.

How things change, I knew I hadn't blogged in a few days (because those who read it a lot told me, you haven't blogged in a few days :)) and this morning in the shower (that's where I do my greatest thinking-keep a sharpee right there to write on the shower door when those ideas pop into my head) and I was thinking I was going to write about how grateful I was. My morning was a good morning and I was feeling up and chipper.

Maybe tomorrow.............