Control Freak

All of my friends are control freaks, wait you're not supposed to write" all". Most of my friends are control freaks (not excluding family here) and we all joke and laugh about it. There is a hierarchy among control freaks also, and I will say with some pride that whenever a stronger control freak is my presence, I might balk and argue a bit, but usually I give into the stronger control freak. ECT usually pacifies this for me to some stranger in a parking lot. :) but really I don't mind compromising and reaching middle ground. I HATE conflict and avoid it like crazy, I even do things I hate to avoid it. BUT I will stand up for myself and get in someone's face if I have to, or have that uncomfortable conversation if necessary.

These next thoughts are going to worry people. Please don't freak out on me, just let me feel how I feel for a little while, it's how I "deal." (See me being a control freak).

I am so pissed off right now, I am so mad. I can't believe I have to have surgery again. I am very excited about the lymph nodes, but I am so very sad that I have to go to sleep again and wake up that "crazy" amnesia wake up. Actually, I'm just really mad I have cancer. I am not genetically disposed so WHY the hell do I have it? WHY every time I have something done is it not just quite right, what did I do to the universe that it is always the x% for me, ME I'm that crazy ass % that they hire lawyers for and it is really really FRUSTRATING. It makes me so very very very sad.

I have no control over this, with the supposed exception of my mental state, which I'm not sure I have control over either. I love my life, I have time for me and I spend the rest of the time enjoying my family. I can't pick up Will today because I can't drive, I can't drive because I have a huge scar under my arm, I have a huge scar under my arm because I have this uncontrollable unfair cancer. Cancer did not ask me, "hey you want to spend Will's sophomore year and Nick's 8th grade year getting all your sweet wonderful friends to pick them up and drop them off. I know you've done it their entire life and that's you job, but I'm reassigning you, you have a new job and it's CANCER. And for a bonus I'm going to throw in a bald head, days you can't move and a calendar full of days at the hospital."

I guess I can understand now how all the people that have been laid off or reassigned within the company, that's how I feel. What a FRUSTRATING feeling. I'm so sorry for everyone who's laid off, that now makes me even more sad. I didn't think I could get more sad.

I have a Dr's appointment today, so I have to get up and go get ready, I can't sit here crying anymore. Because why, oh that's right, I don't have any CONTROL over anything anymore. I am seeing it in little things around the house, the tiniest little thing becomes a huge issue. I understand, everyone just wants it back the way it was, we really had a tidy sweet fun loving atmosphere and now everyone in our house is so uptight and I know they are worried and I don't know how to fix that, I try and put on a happy face, but there are just some days I don't have a happy face in my possession.

I know all of this will pass, I just don't want any scars from it. I am sure this hopelessness feeling of my life spiraling out of control is just a temporary feeling from the momentary set back of another surgery. I just don't know how many more setbacks I have in me. But I bet I have a chance to test that out, given my luck with everything!