Tough Day

I am officially starting to freak out. I was so proud of myself, I haven't had a xanax in weeks, and today I actually walked up stairs and got them out again, put one in my palm, and then put it in my pill case in my purse. I felt better once I knew it was there. Still in the pill case, but it has been a hard day.

Let me back up. A few weeks ago at my "chemo class" I got a stack of papers to "read" at my leisure. I did not read them until this morning. They were full of all the fun I'm about to have and let me just say I freaked out. It's hard to freak out when your alone, it doesn't last long. I'm a talked (or typer) and I like to talk it out, that makes me feel better. Couldn't do that, I was alone. It was also an early release day and I had to have my emotions together by 11:30am so I really couldn't just fall off the deep end like I wanted too.

Then I spent an hour organizing all the medication I have to take and the days and the amounts and holy SHIT it's way too much to think about in one sitting.

I picked up Nick (youngest) and we had a fabulous sushi lunch and lots of smiles. Then it was time to come home and get ready for the rest of the day.

My oldest son plays on the high school football team and one of the kids who plays, his Mom died in her sleep on Saturday night after the game. Poof and she was gone. It's a terribly sad story and it made me so sad. Tonight the entire team went to the funeral and some of the Mom's waiting on the boys went out to eat. I couldn't go to the funeral, I couldn't handle it.

I never took the xanax because my sweet friends raised my mood to a much higher level. I think reading all those papers and having a Mom just die was a little much for me today. I'm getting scared and my stomach is starting to hurt, but tomorrow I'll get up and go on about life and it just means I'm one day closer to starting the chemo but the most important thing is I'm one day closer to ending the chemo.