She was wonderful, actually her entire staff was wonderful and I even met Sourpuss and she was very kind and sweet. Didn't hold a grudge at all, so that was nice.
We got there and about the time we got the laptops all set up and ready to go, they called us back. Did the regular stuff, get weighed, take blood pressure, temperature, wait for the Dr. She was actually in there really quickly and stayed for the next 1 1/2 hrs.
We went through the different offices that are housed in the breast center building, went over all of the different trials being offered. Then we got into the nitty gritty and discussed the different options available to me. My option is a TAC. Those are the initials of the drugs they will use. Then I will have six injections through a port in my skin and then the injections will be every three weeks. After each chemo I go the next day for a white cell booster. She said my hair will fall out almost immediately and they will monitor my feet and hands for tingling. That's really all she talked about today as far as side effects.
I have a "chemo" appointment where Whitney and I go and they go through all the side effects and eating regimen to prepare for when the chemo starts. During the visit I felt fine, understood everything and loved the fateful choice of Dr. Oncologist. I was fine the entire time, even when they took 27 viles of blood. Ok, maybe it was really six, but it felt like 27!!
And then I got home, and my heart just fell. I think I thought it was possible I could skip the chemo, that today there was a slight chance that I would get there and the Dr. would say, "we found out last night that your kind of cancer doesn't need chemo anymore and that you are the freaky .001%" but it didn't happen, those words didn't come out of her mouth. I heard all the words that came out, and they were big long complicated words with tails, tails like "this might happen or it might not happen" and those words made my stomach knot up in a big ball and stay that way.
I smile sometimes, but I'm really not ok, I am not always sure I can do this walk. I want to trade in my pink path shoes and go back to my white tennis shoes that I've always worn. I want it to go back the way it was before I found the pink path. But I know that won't happen and I know it's my turn to put on the pink shoes and walk the path that has been laid before me, but I don't want to. I will do whatever it takes to be in this world a very long time and I will do it with a strong badge of courage, and God, my family and my dear friends by my side. But since it's something I don't want to do, I imagine ECT will be popping up more often than not!!
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